BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

its been a long time

i didnt know what to title this, except, its been a long time. since i wrote anything, or did much really.

i have been consumed with work and the tail ends of the project, putting the reporting together etc.

after the last big fight with hubby, he said, go out, visit your family, dont sit in bed and be miserable. so i did just that. i visited my family and it was good. i wanted to tell them whats really going on with me, but i couldnt. i didnt want to break down like that, it showed weakness and i just couldnt, so the elephant in the room ie. my misery at not yet being a mother was there, just not engaged at. see they know, they just dont ask.

in the last fight with hubby i said some pretty hurtful things, but he needed to know how hurt i was and how i have been wronged and he just kept quiet. maybe he knew i was right. since then we exist. we will never be the same, but its better than were we are. we are stuck. with each other being so unhappy becasue of infertility and with our situation.

in my spare time i google everything. i google for hope. i cannot find a single person with the same diagnostic situation as me. its so frustrating. and i read about people that have the most complicated uteruss’, abnormal tests all round, male issues and the list goes on. heres me, subsequently fixed. a perfectly normal looking uterus (according to my last op), open tubes, no thyroid, AMH, FSH or insulin issues, great CM that doesnt kill sperm, great uterine lining; yes, before the septum uterus, i had PCOS tendacy, but the femara was fixing that, and hubby has great sperm. so what now? immunological issues. i keep asking why why why? what next, what more?

i was invited for a baby shower. for the friend that did the IVF 2 days apart from mine. and hers worked. a whatsapp group was created. i told my husband, and for the first time ever he actually was sensitive to it, and said, say we’re away that day. i thought that was considerate…considering how unsupportive he was in the past concerning, baby related events and our attendance. i replied i would let the organizer know and exited.

shit. life is shitty. i hate that i cant face the world it freakin’ sucks.

oh and i went to church. the day after i got asmiley face opk. maybe it was a desperate attempt to apease god so that i would get my positive pregnancy!!! hahahha really who knows, but it was nice going to church. I met so many people i hadnt seen for so long, and they were so happy to see me, i felt so loved. as they hugged me, i felt loved. it wasnt pity hugs, it was “i missed you my friend” kinda hugs. i felt loved. oh and just great, they had to have baby dedications on that day. hahhahahha just our luck! it wasnt all bad. i didnt want to go to church, because a few people knew i was desperately trying and not coping and i felt embarrased for sharing after the fact, so i didnt want to see these people at church, but life happens, i have made too many mistakes.

ooh and then i contacted a fertility astrologer. yes. i did. a blog i followed emailed me saying google her, so i did. I typed a whole long email, with my actual name etc. so no anonimity and told her all the details and said i dont know where this fits in with christianity. her response was perfect. and i was resolved. all along i thought IVF was unchristian, yet so many people do it. pastors, evangelists, you name it. and its their miracle. the 3 wise men were astrologers. after googling much, theres different takes on everything, so much so as one agrees to say yay or nay based on their own situation. honestly thats what it is. a girl with christian parents who takes their daughter for an abortion and still goes to church and speaks in tongues…what then. I am not comparing astrology to abortion by any means, but you know that girl? that had the abortion? well i know her. and she has beautiful kids now, and is a powerful woman of god. people do shit. if i in any way thought that i was going against god, i would not have contacted the atrologer. anyway the outcome of that was that i need to wait to save money and get my hubby into the right frame to agree with a consult.

i am desperately waiting for the implantation bleeding, so that i can meet friends again who are pregnant and go to the bloody baby shower and overall be happy lol.

but hey, life is such and you just dont know.

 

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!

when god speaks

im scared about tomorrow. its silly really, but i get scared each time. I was so troubled last night, unable to sleep, just worrying and with a terrible migraine. all the stress about my egg chromosomal issues.

And then today, my 2 great friends from my previous company who I have a whatsapp group with send me a message that we need to start a prayer group and to pray for me and the verse for today is 1 Samuel vs 1-28, which centers around Hannah’s struggle to conceive and she prays to god and he gives her a son, Samuel. How strange that i get this today, when i am so troubled, pending my op tomorrow, which they dont know about. Thats the Lord. If ever in doubt, thats him speaking, never to me, but through someone or something else to me. To say my cries are heard. Its profound. As i type this the negativity in me a.k.a. that pestering devil, says yeah you will read this back next year unpregnant, but screw you satan, i wont entertain that, i will be pregnant and have my children, that I declare in jesus name!

yesterday i was so angry with god, and today he tells me to have faith and believe. Last night, I could not remember the verse, I suck at remembering scriptures. but now i googled it as through my unsettling sleep, thats all i could thing of. Psalm 127.3  Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. I will wait and stand on his word and promise… Amen.

Wasted years

As hubby nostalgically played YouTube videos of songs from way back, when we were young and all “this” was not, he reminisced about what specifically the song reminded him of..commuting to see me somewhere and the song playing..whilst all it did for me listening to it now was depress me, reminding me how old I was, old and childless. Wasted years of nothing to show. 

It’s a month since the failed FET. Maybe that’s riling me all up. I cried. I’ve been good. But today I caved. My op is the day after and I was googling. And that depresses me even more. 

I’m unfixable. All my tests perfect. Except for that darn septum in my uterus which they removed and still no pregnancy. I should have at least been able to have some implantation? Other people with complete septums still have a pregnancy either to deliver a pre-term baby or miscarriage, but yet they are able to fall pregnant. I will never take away the magnitude of a miscarriage because by all means the day I were to find out I was pregnant would be the happiest of my life and if it were to prematurely be taken away from me, I don’t even know how I would deal. But now, today, this time in my life, 3 years of never knowing what being pregnant would be feels like the most worthless thing a woman could ever feel like. Not being able to even fall pregnant. I have never felt more useless and pathetic and incapable and worthless and and and… so what would the 2nd op do? If the first op they took out so much of the septum that my lining looked great, was there still much left and scar tissue that prevented implantation of fertilized embryos? With intralipids and g-csf and meds to increase blood supply to my uterus.. so much to make the uterus great, yet they didn’t stick. What if they find a clean lush uterus? Then it’s my eggs. Eggs with chromosomal issues. Will I then never have a baby??

I just want to die! I thought about it today. That on the operating table I will have faulty anesthesia and just die. I could not go on living like this. I can’t live childless just him and I…

Drama

There is so much crap happening at work. Stupid crap. Crap that I don’t want to involve myself with or care for. But I have to hear about it from the people who are part of this crap. And I mean what the hell, I’ve been through such a shitty period of my life and I still have to tolerate people telling me about their stupid personnel issues???!! I DONT CARE! 

Psychologically, I have dealt with the dreaded 35. I did not cry once! In fact the last time I cried was when I started this blog. Maybe it’s my great dealing mechanism 😊. 

I texted my hubby yesterday saying, it feels so great to not be on any meds or take injections or instrusive scans and drips and just be, and to actually be able to have sex during my “fertile” week according to my app. Yes, there’s no such thing as a fertile week for people like me but I still cling onto hope. It’s the stupid idiot in me that desperately waits for a miracle. It’s terrible what people like us go through. I really don’t know what logic I have derived in my head because let’s just say by some great miracle, sperm meets egg, fertilizes and then I have my hysterscope on the Tuesday next week, how does that work?! 🙈 I never think things through.

We can only do ivf again in June, once we have saved up enough money and have some extra money come in. June will be here before we know it. I mean I have lived my life month by month. Looking today at all my hospital paperwork to the insurance from last years op and how dillusionally hopeful I was that I would be pregnant by March! What an idiot. A year later and my heartbreak and failure has reached an even further high. 

Cheers to wishful thinking

Xxx

valentine’s day

3 years ago, hubby and I sat on the couch, cuddling and sipping our glasses of red wine. i looked at him, sipped my last sip for the night and said “this will be our last valentine’s day drinking wine, next year this time we will probably be pregnant, so we should make the most of this just us v-day!”

oh how wrong i was.

i hate every holiday or special day. because it reminds me of something stupid i said that was assuming that we would not be child-less. i remember christmas day 2015, i knew i was going to have the op to get fixed, and after church as i was busy in the kitchen preparing our famous traditional lunch, i said to hubby, next year how will i manage all this?? i will have the baby to see to, to which he replied, no no, baby and i will be fine, i will manage baby, you cook 🙂 christmas 2016 and baby-less, and failed IUIs and failed IVF later, still baby-less. This was a miserable christmas.

this morning when i got to the office, hubby surprised me by hiding chocolates in my bag. it was so cute. and special. i was so touched. we dont have much money these days after all the medical procedures that insurance does not cover. so the box of chocolates was a real treat! he said well, hes trying to keep the romance alive in any little way..:)

it made my baby-less day less crappy.

Sweet sweet fantasy…

Whilst commuting home from the office, I began to play out the scene of the hospital room. Where I lay on the bed in my own private room, still a bit high from the anesthesia, hubby by my side ooohing and coodling and kissing our beautiful baby boy, admiring his absolute beauty. He looks exactly like hubby, pink fat cheeks, ginger hair and pouty lips. But he has my dimples and toes and fat legs 😄. He is just perfection! We take selfies and friends come to visit and are in awe of his beauty. And then the emotions flood in, and I find myself on the verge of crying because I don’t know what the hospital room will be like, it’s a borrowed memory from when I visited my sister when she had her baby; I don’t know how groggy I would be because I’ve never experienced childbirth, it’s all speculation. Yet it is so clear in my mind. Am I really such a creator of situations? Dillusional? It seems so weird borderline psychotic that I keep imagining this same scene play out. I quickly gather myself and think of something else so I don’t cry!

I have my doctors appointment in 3 days. Answers about my shoddy op and uterus state thereof.

Every thing irritates me.

The neighbors had a baby. Their home was filled with people and cars all the way down. They are new and we haven’t met them. They certainly won’t want to meet us, there’s no way they would have not heard mine and hubbys screaming fights over our miserable infertile states. Doors banging, screams, throwing out words like hate divorce ruined etc etc. you see we are human and this disease that we have has a shit load of side effects apart from the obvious, the main one being ruining your marriage. A lady accidentally popped by our door looking for another house and my irritating husband decides to engage her and say so you’re looking for the house with the baby? The lady after seeing hubby knew she was at the wrong house and was turning away so why the hell did he feel the need to engage and utter those bloody words? !! Baby. He proceeds to tell me they gave birth last week. His friends catch-up this morning clued him in, we didn’t even know they were pregnant. But again his dumb self could not think to avoid words like baby, and pregnant and giving birth. The most obvious words I know nothing about because my worthless woman self can’t even fall pregnant yet. He is such a moron at most times. I am fast thinking he should read this blog to know how insensitive he is sometimes, I know he does not mean it but I mean really? Think a little why don’t you. After all I am border line depression and one little trigger is going to really send me over the edge. Why have I not yet lost it? Well because my new promotion at work prevents. It’s my first big project that I need to see through. I wish it were such that I was pregnant during this, I think I would have been more value add, opposed to now when I want to finish and start a course of antidepressants. Back to my insensitive husband. He decides to carry on the whole day with his friends drinking from the morning to the afternoon. No church. That is not a priority for him. This process has tainted his faith. He kneels down and prays every night and prays before we eat, but that’s because we are Christian and that’s what we do. Call it habitual perhaps. He didn’t feel like waking up early and given that I was awake most of the night I only woke today after 11am. He left his phone with the drinking people or rather forgot it, which I had to fetch and spent the whole afternoon passed out wasted. Men can so easily drown their sorrows in booze. But he becomes such a annoyance when he’s like that. It’s a disgusting state. I think woman are far better drunks!

Few more days to me dreaded birthday. Worst birthday ever. Failed ivf, failed FET. Failure everything.