BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

its been a long time

i didnt know what to title this, except, its been a long time. since i wrote anything, or did much really.

i have been consumed with work and the tail ends of the project, putting the reporting together etc.

after the last big fight with hubby, he said, go out, visit your family, dont sit in bed and be miserable. so i did just that. i visited my family and it was good. i wanted to tell them whats really going on with me, but i couldnt. i didnt want to break down like that, it showed weakness and i just couldnt, so the elephant in the room ie. my misery at not yet being a mother was there, just not engaged at. see they know, they just dont ask.

in the last fight with hubby i said some pretty hurtful things, but he needed to know how hurt i was and how i have been wronged and he just kept quiet. maybe he knew i was right. since then we exist. we will never be the same, but its better than were we are. we are stuck. with each other being so unhappy becasue of infertility and with our situation.

in my spare time i google everything. i google for hope. i cannot find a single person with the same diagnostic situation as me. its so frustrating. and i read about people that have the most complicated uteruss’, abnormal tests all round, male issues and the list goes on. heres me, subsequently fixed. a perfectly normal looking uterus (according to my last op), open tubes, no thyroid, AMH, FSH or insulin issues, great CM that doesnt kill sperm, great uterine lining; yes, before the septum uterus, i had PCOS tendacy, but the femara was fixing that, and hubby has great sperm. so what now? immunological issues. i keep asking why why why? what next, what more?

i was invited for a baby shower. for the friend that did the IVF 2 days apart from mine. and hers worked. a whatsapp group was created. i told my husband, and for the first time ever he actually was sensitive to it, and said, say we’re away that day. i thought that was considerate…considering how unsupportive he was in the past concerning, baby related events and our attendance. i replied i would let the organizer know and exited.

shit. life is shitty. i hate that i cant face the world it freakin’ sucks.

oh and i went to church. the day after i got asmiley face opk. maybe it was a desperate attempt to apease god so that i would get my positive pregnancy!!! hahahha really who knows, but it was nice going to church. I met so many people i hadnt seen for so long, and they were so happy to see me, i felt so loved. as they hugged me, i felt loved. it wasnt pity hugs, it was “i missed you my friend” kinda hugs. i felt loved. oh and just great, they had to have baby dedications on that day. hahhahahha just our luck! it wasnt all bad. i didnt want to go to church, because a few people knew i was desperately trying and not coping and i felt embarrased for sharing after the fact, so i didnt want to see these people at church, but life happens, i have made too many mistakes.

ooh and then i contacted a fertility astrologer. yes. i did. a blog i followed emailed me saying google her, so i did. I typed a whole long email, with my actual name etc. so no anonimity and told her all the details and said i dont know where this fits in with christianity. her response was perfect. and i was resolved. all along i thought IVF was unchristian, yet so many people do it. pastors, evangelists, you name it. and its their miracle. the 3 wise men were astrologers. after googling much, theres different takes on everything, so much so as one agrees to say yay or nay based on their own situation. honestly thats what it is. a girl with christian parents who takes their daughter for an abortion and still goes to church and speaks in tongues…what then. I am not comparing astrology to abortion by any means, but you know that girl? that had the abortion? well i know her. and she has beautiful kids now, and is a powerful woman of god. people do shit. if i in any way thought that i was going against god, i would not have contacted the atrologer. anyway the outcome of that was that i need to wait to save money and get my hubby into the right frame to agree with a consult.

i am desperately waiting for the implantation bleeding, so that i can meet friends again who are pregnant and go to the bloody baby shower and overall be happy lol.

but hey, life is such and you just dont know.

 

Called to rest..

Someone from church has passed after a long battle with illness. He was diagnosed just about after we started trying for kids. So about 2 years now. He was a wonderful man, always positive and fun, same goes for his wonderful wife. He is now dead. How cruel. Why let his family go through those tortureous 2 years of hope and failure. It’s so horrible. You see he was getting better, but he had all those treatments to have to go through. And now it was pointless. Why didn’t god just take him sooner, why let him carry on and fight hopelessly, why let his family see that pain and suffering and go through it too. How unfair is that.

My hear is so troubled by life. Peace be to his dear wonderful wife and kids xxx