BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

its been a long time

i didnt know what to title this, except, its been a long time. since i wrote anything, or did much really.

i have been consumed with work and the tail ends of the project, putting the reporting together etc.

after the last big fight with hubby, he said, go out, visit your family, dont sit in bed and be miserable. so i did just that. i visited my family and it was good. i wanted to tell them whats really going on with me, but i couldnt. i didnt want to break down like that, it showed weakness and i just couldnt, so the elephant in the room ie. my misery at not yet being a mother was there, just not engaged at. see they know, they just dont ask.

in the last fight with hubby i said some pretty hurtful things, but he needed to know how hurt i was and how i have been wronged and he just kept quiet. maybe he knew i was right. since then we exist. we will never be the same, but its better than were we are. we are stuck. with each other being so unhappy becasue of infertility and with our situation.

in my spare time i google everything. i google for hope. i cannot find a single person with the same diagnostic situation as me. its so frustrating. and i read about people that have the most complicated uteruss’, abnormal tests all round, male issues and the list goes on. heres me, subsequently fixed. a perfectly normal looking uterus (according to my last op), open tubes, no thyroid, AMH, FSH or insulin issues, great CM that doesnt kill sperm, great uterine lining; yes, before the septum uterus, i had PCOS tendacy, but the femara was fixing that, and hubby has great sperm. so what now? immunological issues. i keep asking why why why? what next, what more?

i was invited for a baby shower. for the friend that did the IVF 2 days apart from mine. and hers worked. a whatsapp group was created. i told my husband, and for the first time ever he actually was sensitive to it, and said, say we’re away that day. i thought that was considerate…considering how unsupportive he was in the past concerning, baby related events and our attendance. i replied i would let the organizer know and exited.

shit. life is shitty. i hate that i cant face the world it freakin’ sucks.

oh and i went to church. the day after i got asmiley face opk. maybe it was a desperate attempt to apease god so that i would get my positive pregnancy!!! hahahha really who knows, but it was nice going to church. I met so many people i hadnt seen for so long, and they were so happy to see me, i felt so loved. as they hugged me, i felt loved. it wasnt pity hugs, it was “i missed you my friend” kinda hugs. i felt loved. oh and just great, they had to have baby dedications on that day. hahhahahha just our luck! it wasnt all bad. i didnt want to go to church, because a few people knew i was desperately trying and not coping and i felt embarrased for sharing after the fact, so i didnt want to see these people at church, but life happens, i have made too many mistakes.

ooh and then i contacted a fertility astrologer. yes. i did. a blog i followed emailed me saying google her, so i did. I typed a whole long email, with my actual name etc. so no anonimity and told her all the details and said i dont know where this fits in with christianity. her response was perfect. and i was resolved. all along i thought IVF was unchristian, yet so many people do it. pastors, evangelists, you name it. and its their miracle. the 3 wise men were astrologers. after googling much, theres different takes on everything, so much so as one agrees to say yay or nay based on their own situation. honestly thats what it is. a girl with christian parents who takes their daughter for an abortion and still goes to church and speaks in tongues…what then. I am not comparing astrology to abortion by any means, but you know that girl? that had the abortion? well i know her. and she has beautiful kids now, and is a powerful woman of god. people do shit. if i in any way thought that i was going against god, i would not have contacted the atrologer. anyway the outcome of that was that i need to wait to save money and get my hubby into the right frame to agree with a consult.

i am desperately waiting for the implantation bleeding, so that i can meet friends again who are pregnant and go to the bloody baby shower and overall be happy lol.

but hey, life is such and you just dont know.

 

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!

Day 1 post op

The doctor came into the ward after the op happy that the op was great, he found a perfect looking uterus. Some tissue around cervix but apart from that a great looking uterus ito size, shape, cavity. Hubby and I looked disappointed. And he looked confused at our disappointment. Why were we disappointed? Because we were sure the old fart stuffed up the last time and didn’t get all the septum, hence the failed natural, then iui, then ivf. So what gives?? My embryos were growing so they can’t be bad eggs? Flip this is annoying. And what about the second option RE that said my shape or uterus was too small plus I had anenomyosis?? What then? Are these people just screwing with us? Are we just the people u see in movies who’s life is just shit of of luck??!!!

We can’t afford another ivf now. So we wait and hope a miracle is bestowed upon us from now til mid-year. And then we can actually use the saved money to feed and clothe the baby! For now it’s wait and see. Maybe the tissue at the top of the cervix/bottom of the uterus prevented sperm from traveling all the way up. So now that’s that gone maybe we can fall pregnant naturally? I hope so..

I spoke to a friend from church today and told her of my op, they have also been trying for a while, but she was pregnant and miscarried early on, so she can fall pregnant, but I feel so guilty speaking to her because she has so much faith and there’s bitter old me, always seeing the bad and how my life is shit and she is all about waiting on gods promise, yet I am so angry and bitter. But then it’s a good thing because miserary loves company and the fact that she can say be positive and wait on your promise, helps me to know that I can, I did for so long, what’s a little more longer…

Op day

So the friendly nurse says why are you having another one? Well 1 year post op, 2 IUI’s, 1 failed IVF, 1 failed FET and still not pregnant. There’s the answer. 

She says let’s hope they find nothing there and it all looks good. Hubby and I are sitting here thinking I hope they find the cause to all the failures for all the things we have done. He and I are both so sure the other old fart doc didn’t do a good job with the first op. So we are hopeful he left something behind which answers why we haven’t fallen pregnant. 

It’s such a catch 22. You want there to be nothing wrong, but then u want answers to why the other stuff didn’t work. I don’t want to be in that unexplained infertility group because that is just cruel. It’s a cruel cruel cruel state. At least people like us can find answers because of issues like pcos or endo or uterine abnormalities or thyroid or something that you can operate on or take meds or something. 

Jesus please let me not be in the unexplained infertility group. Lord I beg of you!! And please let there be perfect chromosomal eggs when we do have he money to do ivf again lord. So what am I asking lord? For this op to fix me once and for all and my uterus be lush enough and attractive enough for my babies to stick ❤

Back to waiting, my op is still just under an hour and a half later. They seem to be running delayed. 

Fasted since forever, both hubby and I are starving 😔