BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Judgemental.

Way too much 💩 has gone down, and when I say way too much. I really mean way to much. Now that I’ve repeated myself, let me start somewhere. 

It’s starts here: confrontations. 

i dont know if i am a confrontational person or not. i dont think i am, but sometimes when u have had enough, u just have. but what if u know u are not wrong in ur assessment and therefore are valid in your arguement about what it is that it is, but somehow the person in the wrong just makes u out to seem like u are the crazy one for even making the assessment??? i know i know im talking in riddles here. but should u just keep quiet and let it fester? So my hubby thinks I should have not been confrontational, there was no need to voice my irritations. And my direct voicing of my irritations lead to an uncomfortable situation for him. So he refuses to speak to me. Yes, I know, what bloody weird a husband I have that almost never takes my part! This part burns the most. I said I can’t take his emotional abuse anymore, the slightest wrong thing I say or do (e.g. Playing a YouTube song he does not like but that I do and he had to repeat himself 2 times for me to change it and I didn’t so he decided to sulk and go to bed and get irritated with me) he screams at or ignores me. When I type it out, and think about it, this man is a terrible person to treat me so bad. And I’m quite the sucker upper as you would have read in previous fight posts, I always apologize and write notes etc. but what got to me was after I shouted and screamed and said how can u get so angry with me all the time at the smallest things and just completely ignore already insecure-hormones-pumped me for days on end, do u know how u are killing me every day??? I’m in a depressive state and we have no money for me to even see a professional! So he says he is also suffering from so much stress and depression. But yet other people: friends and family walk all over u and it’s fine. U accept and I bear the brunt of all your stresses. He says: “well you’re my wife, you can handle it, that’s what u are there for” what an epitome of just plain evil to say that to another human being! Ur own personal punching bag. His dad was abusive physically to his mom, and here’s me dealing with the emotional abuser. Yet still, I wrote a note, a pathetic one about please choose me blah blah blah. Love me. Hug me. Forget being so angry and let us comfort each other coz I am the only one that truly loves u and has ur back. I left for the office with the note in his drawer. Came home, he got his own take out and went to the guest bedroom. Great. Even more great, I will be ovulating in 2 days. We have had no sex. I’m on CD11 today, and this man is ignoring me. 😐. I cannot begin to explain the absolute desperation to want to make peace so that you can have sex so that its not a wasted month, and he knows this and has the trump card (irony word useage on trumps Birthday 😉) and is punishing me. It’s a desperate sad state of affairs to be so absolutely desperate. Desperate. I am typing this and I can’t believe what this has reduced me to. I am a successful educated woman and I am reduced to being so desperate to have sex with my husband so that what if round 4 femara may work. How desperate even typing it.. but it’s true. And how can he put me through this?

So what do u do? I went to church, I avoided church group mid week meetings as during one meeting in may last year the the leaders declared our struggle and desire to have a baby to the entire group. Not cool. Anyway I went today. I don’t know if I expected some miracle coming home, there was nothing of course, hence me sitting in my bed alone typing this crying..,bleh. But of note was a beautiful song that I love with all my heart which we sang. It was wonderful.

Then there were people, new people in the group. But they were old and I was new coz I haven’t been in a year. The last time I went the leaders prayed that I would be carrying my baby next year this time! That was last year May 😐 anyway these new people. So my title says judgemental. I cannot suffer fools. Very rarely do I find that someone is on the same intellectual and style level as me. I know I’m so vain and mean, that’s why I’m not blessed with a baby 😭 but I am who I am and this is anonymous and honest. But the reason I find these people ridiculous is because they try too hard, but it just come across as fake and trying to hard? You are either intelligent and naturally classy and stylish, money or not. Style and class can come from zero money! But yes, i boxified all the newbies. None of them would warrant conversations where I would any way find them worthy to engage. Too much make up and overdone outfits and stupid word usage. No. I left straight after the service. Got home to my empty bed.

And honestly I didn’t go to church for a miracle. My soul is just tired and I was hoping for some peace. I didn’t get it though, actually made me feel kinda more empty, but again I guess I just wanted something other than just praying for a thousand other ways to die without me doing it myself of course coz apart from being desperate, I am a whuss. I’m scared of hell first and foremost. And then I’m scared to OD or slit my wrists and it doesn’t work 😱 or it does and I’m the coward that killed herself when life is a gift from god and there’s so many people that have families and kids and die. I rather a natural car accident smashed by a trucker or a freak armed robbery at the store or I don’t know something that doesn’t involve drama! Bleh.

Story of my infertile life. Bleh.

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

its been a long time

i didnt know what to title this, except, its been a long time. since i wrote anything, or did much really.

i have been consumed with work and the tail ends of the project, putting the reporting together etc.

after the last big fight with hubby, he said, go out, visit your family, dont sit in bed and be miserable. so i did just that. i visited my family and it was good. i wanted to tell them whats really going on with me, but i couldnt. i didnt want to break down like that, it showed weakness and i just couldnt, so the elephant in the room ie. my misery at not yet being a mother was there, just not engaged at. see they know, they just dont ask.

in the last fight with hubby i said some pretty hurtful things, but he needed to know how hurt i was and how i have been wronged and he just kept quiet. maybe he knew i was right. since then we exist. we will never be the same, but its better than were we are. we are stuck. with each other being so unhappy becasue of infertility and with our situation.

in my spare time i google everything. i google for hope. i cannot find a single person with the same diagnostic situation as me. its so frustrating. and i read about people that have the most complicated uteruss’, abnormal tests all round, male issues and the list goes on. heres me, subsequently fixed. a perfectly normal looking uterus (according to my last op), open tubes, no thyroid, AMH, FSH or insulin issues, great CM that doesnt kill sperm, great uterine lining; yes, before the septum uterus, i had PCOS tendacy, but the femara was fixing that, and hubby has great sperm. so what now? immunological issues. i keep asking why why why? what next, what more?

i was invited for a baby shower. for the friend that did the IVF 2 days apart from mine. and hers worked. a whatsapp group was created. i told my husband, and for the first time ever he actually was sensitive to it, and said, say we’re away that day. i thought that was considerate…considering how unsupportive he was in the past concerning, baby related events and our attendance. i replied i would let the organizer know and exited.

shit. life is shitty. i hate that i cant face the world it freakin’ sucks.

oh and i went to church. the day after i got asmiley face opk. maybe it was a desperate attempt to apease god so that i would get my positive pregnancy!!! hahahha really who knows, but it was nice going to church. I met so many people i hadnt seen for so long, and they were so happy to see me, i felt so loved. as they hugged me, i felt loved. it wasnt pity hugs, it was “i missed you my friend” kinda hugs. i felt loved. oh and just great, they had to have baby dedications on that day. hahhahahha just our luck! it wasnt all bad. i didnt want to go to church, because a few people knew i was desperately trying and not coping and i felt embarrased for sharing after the fact, so i didnt want to see these people at church, but life happens, i have made too many mistakes.

ooh and then i contacted a fertility astrologer. yes. i did. a blog i followed emailed me saying google her, so i did. I typed a whole long email, with my actual name etc. so no anonimity and told her all the details and said i dont know where this fits in with christianity. her response was perfect. and i was resolved. all along i thought IVF was unchristian, yet so many people do it. pastors, evangelists, you name it. and its their miracle. the 3 wise men were astrologers. after googling much, theres different takes on everything, so much so as one agrees to say yay or nay based on their own situation. honestly thats what it is. a girl with christian parents who takes their daughter for an abortion and still goes to church and speaks in tongues…what then. I am not comparing astrology to abortion by any means, but you know that girl? that had the abortion? well i know her. and she has beautiful kids now, and is a powerful woman of god. people do shit. if i in any way thought that i was going against god, i would not have contacted the atrologer. anyway the outcome of that was that i need to wait to save money and get my hubby into the right frame to agree with a consult.

i am desperately waiting for the implantation bleeding, so that i can meet friends again who are pregnant and go to the bloody baby shower and overall be happy lol.

but hey, life is such and you just dont know.

 

its about me

I woke this morning wanting to abscond from work. Like when you were in school and didnt want to go and rather bunked class and sat at the park the whole day? well today was that kind of day feeling. i wanted to (by myself – why? becasue i am for the first time ever actually enjoying my own time and my own company) go for breakfast; watch a movie, then have brunch with a delicious glass of chardonnay and enjoy the just me time.

Since sunday, my husband and i have not spoken. I cried brutally on Sunday night. he slept in the guest bedroom. Monday i worked very late so i sent him a text saying i would be home late, he did not reply, and got himself some take out. i ate, showered, removed his pillow from his side of the bed for him to take with to the guest bedroom and i slept. no crying or tears! at around 11pm, he came back to our bedroom. I left for work, no kiss goodbye and that was it. Tuesday night i sent a message saying I would be working late as my presentation was the next day and our team was finalizing the packs. this time he responded with “ok”. i got home, ate, showered slept. I left for the office earlier the next day (yesterday). I got a message saying “saying good luck with your presentation & a kiss emoticon” i replied saying thank you. I left the office at a normal time yesterday, he said he would be late. i cooked, showered and slept. then this morning, i really felt like i needed to ‘fool around’, it had been a week and i think with my presentation going well and all the stress of the weekend, i needed an outlet and i had zero wine at home last night. so this morning we did. and i left still not talking and i dont even feel bad about myself.

I was chatting to a friend and work and i told her that for the first time i dont feel heavy. not speaking to my husband and having to constantly try to please him to make up for my failure to give him a child is exhausting! to constantly worry about him and watch what i say incase i trigger some irritation in him (becasue all too well i can acknowledge how unhappy he is), but to not have to please him is such a weight off me. i dont have to watch my every action or word. I feel great. and i realized that i am his emotional punching bag, becasue all his anger about everything i get. and i dont want it. for once i am able to be selfish. and it feels so good.

i for once can say i really feel great!

but its a bad thing right? because not having to burden myself with trying to make-up to my husband constantly becasue of my infertility and not speaking to him is making me feel great! eeeekkkkk!

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

Called to rest..

Someone from church has passed after a long battle with illness. He was diagnosed just about after we started trying for kids. So about 2 years now. He was a wonderful man, always positive and fun, same goes for his wonderful wife. He is now dead. How cruel. Why let his family go through those tortureous 2 years of hope and failure. It’s so horrible. You see he was getting better, but he had all those treatments to have to go through. And now it was pointless. Why didn’t god just take him sooner, why let him carry on and fight hopelessly, why let his family see that pain and suffering and go through it too. How unfair is that.

My hear is so troubled by life. Peace be to his dear wonderful wife and kids xxx