BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Judgemental.

Way too much 💩 has gone down, and when I say way too much. I really mean way to much. Now that I’ve repeated myself, let me start somewhere. 

It’s starts here: confrontations. 

i dont know if i am a confrontational person or not. i dont think i am, but sometimes when u have had enough, u just have. but what if u know u are not wrong in ur assessment and therefore are valid in your arguement about what it is that it is, but somehow the person in the wrong just makes u out to seem like u are the crazy one for even making the assessment??? i know i know im talking in riddles here. but should u just keep quiet and let it fester? So my hubby thinks I should have not been confrontational, there was no need to voice my irritations. And my direct voicing of my irritations lead to an uncomfortable situation for him. So he refuses to speak to me. Yes, I know, what bloody weird a husband I have that almost never takes my part! This part burns the most. I said I can’t take his emotional abuse anymore, the slightest wrong thing I say or do (e.g. Playing a YouTube song he does not like but that I do and he had to repeat himself 2 times for me to change it and I didn’t so he decided to sulk and go to bed and get irritated with me) he screams at or ignores me. When I type it out, and think about it, this man is a terrible person to treat me so bad. And I’m quite the sucker upper as you would have read in previous fight posts, I always apologize and write notes etc. but what got to me was after I shouted and screamed and said how can u get so angry with me all the time at the smallest things and just completely ignore already insecure-hormones-pumped me for days on end, do u know how u are killing me every day??? I’m in a depressive state and we have no money for me to even see a professional! So he says he is also suffering from so much stress and depression. But yet other people: friends and family walk all over u and it’s fine. U accept and I bear the brunt of all your stresses. He says: “well you’re my wife, you can handle it, that’s what u are there for” what an epitome of just plain evil to say that to another human being! Ur own personal punching bag. His dad was abusive physically to his mom, and here’s me dealing with the emotional abuser. Yet still, I wrote a note, a pathetic one about please choose me blah blah blah. Love me. Hug me. Forget being so angry and let us comfort each other coz I am the only one that truly loves u and has ur back. I left for the office with the note in his drawer. Came home, he got his own take out and went to the guest bedroom. Great. Even more great, I will be ovulating in 2 days. We have had no sex. I’m on CD11 today, and this man is ignoring me. 😐. I cannot begin to explain the absolute desperation to want to make peace so that you can have sex so that its not a wasted month, and he knows this and has the trump card (irony word useage on trumps Birthday 😉) and is punishing me. It’s a desperate sad state of affairs to be so absolutely desperate. Desperate. I am typing this and I can’t believe what this has reduced me to. I am a successful educated woman and I am reduced to being so desperate to have sex with my husband so that what if round 4 femara may work. How desperate even typing it.. but it’s true. And how can he put me through this?

So what do u do? I went to church, I avoided church group mid week meetings as during one meeting in may last year the the leaders declared our struggle and desire to have a baby to the entire group. Not cool. Anyway I went today. I don’t know if I expected some miracle coming home, there was nothing of course, hence me sitting in my bed alone typing this crying..,bleh. But of note was a beautiful song that I love with all my heart which we sang. It was wonderful.

Then there were people, new people in the group. But they were old and I was new coz I haven’t been in a year. The last time I went the leaders prayed that I would be carrying my baby next year this time! That was last year May 😐 anyway these new people. So my title says judgemental. I cannot suffer fools. Very rarely do I find that someone is on the same intellectual and style level as me. I know I’m so vain and mean, that’s why I’m not blessed with a baby 😭 but I am who I am and this is anonymous and honest. But the reason I find these people ridiculous is because they try too hard, but it just come across as fake and trying to hard? You are either intelligent and naturally classy and stylish, money or not. Style and class can come from zero money! But yes, i boxified all the newbies. None of them would warrant conversations where I would any way find them worthy to engage. Too much make up and overdone outfits and stupid word usage. No. I left straight after the service. Got home to my empty bed.

And honestly I didn’t go to church for a miracle. My soul is just tired and I was hoping for some peace. I didn’t get it though, actually made me feel kinda more empty, but again I guess I just wanted something other than just praying for a thousand other ways to die without me doing it myself of course coz apart from being desperate, I am a whuss. I’m scared of hell first and foremost. And then I’m scared to OD or slit my wrists and it doesn’t work 😱 or it does and I’m the coward that killed herself when life is a gift from god and there’s so many people that have families and kids and die. I rather a natural car accident smashed by a trucker or a freak armed robbery at the store or I don’t know something that doesn’t involve drama! Bleh.

Story of my infertile life. Bleh.