BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

Dillusional

I’ve read a million (ok maybe closer to like 50+) stories on various ttc forums where women who have had hysteroscopy/laparoscopic surgeries fall pregnant the very next cycle. In January last year after my surgery I was confident that would be me. Before my 34th birthday I would be pregnant. After all my uterus would be fixed, what ever mild endo would be cleared and voila! No. Then February this year after my 35th birthday I had my surgery the hysteroscopy and they cleared some tissue at the cervix, and I was ready to go. I attributed the failed ivf and FET to stress and me being my body reacting badly both times during and before transfer. This month i took the letrozole 5mg and I got the positive clearblue smiley face opk and we timed it right (although we fought like hell, I still boiled it down to we timed it correctly).

I felt pregnant through all our fighting and dealing with seeing the toddler and it’s annoying parents visiting. I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the toddler’s company which was sad (mind you I hated that my husband connected so much which this child that was not ours, it was too painful to hear and watch. honestly it was) because I was so embittered at my situation, I couldn’t connect and the toddler could see, it didn’t really like me and truth be told most babies do like me, but this was probably sensed my embittered non-mom self and didn’t want me to carry it. It was jealousy really, that’s the plain down truth. I know my baby will behave less naughty and thinking back this kid said cute things but I just could not see this, past my own pain for wanting my own cute baby. Anyway back to my one month post op cycle.

So hubby and I are “speaking” and saying “I love u” when we end our calls to each other and kissing goodbye, it’s not the same. We are not the same. This evil disease killed us. But that is our lot in life. So this morning he texts “when is period due” I reply: “Wednesday. And it will arrive, I don’t doubt that. My stress levels were quite high this past month. So if there was a natural possibility it would not have worked I think. From my opinion.” He replied “ok”. Last week through our non-speaking and me feeling great at being selfish and not devouting my every action/word to make up for not giving him a baby, I did feel pregnant. I really don’t know what feeling pregnant feels like, but in my head the twinges were implantation and bouts of nausea and my pants getting tighter were all signs. But the sign that never came which I looked for every cycle for the last 3 years was implantation bleeding. Not a damn spot of it! And no big sore boobs. I had swollen boobs during the ivf and FET when on progesterone but this time nothing. I’m on CD28 and like clockwork my period arrived this evening. It’s not implantation bleeding although I’m still stupidly hopeful. 

But the dillusionment comes in that I somehow thought maybe… it just might work, through the fighting etc. what if? And the pessimist in me is saying but u knew it wouldn’t so what the heck. 

On an even more pathetic note. I still annoint my belly with oil.. my period will still come full on tomorrow. But I utter these words as I mark the cross 3 times with the oil over my womb: “in the name of the father, son and Holy Spirit, bless my womb lord and my babies”

In a previous blog I typed Jesus of u even exist. Yes I do this annoint my womb and say these words, yet I question god? What is the flip wrong with me. Hopeful, patheticfull (yes that should be a real word), dillusional lost woman that is me. Unable to do the thing every woman was created to do.