sticking it to me

yes, thats how i feel the world is to me. sticking it to me. i actually wanted to write this 2 days ago, but then i thought i was really just being stupid and imagining things, but gosh i dont even know.

two days ago, i saw 2 pregnant woman waiting on the bus to go home. gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous..thats the only way to describe them and then i thought….uuurrrgh god, they look so amazing, but i really really dont want to see that 😦 then i recall a conversation my christian friend and i had via text where she says she remembers how low she felt when she heard of pregnant woman stories and baby stuff and now she just honestly doesnt want to remember coz it was so horrible..which is the pit i am still in bleh. then this morning on my commute to work and i saw a woman who honestly looks so so poor, like she cannot even afford to feed herself and i thought was what a coddled up baby in her arms and instantly said out loud..”seriously, you give her a baby??? geez thanks god” and i saw she had no baby tucked in so i apologized to god..ooops. but my bitterness takes over when i see such things. its not right man, really its not. these people just fall pregnant carelessly and with no means to give the child not only material things but emotional too becasue they work soo hard to afford the little they can and these kids end up on the street doing bad stuff coz the parents have 2 jobs and and and..but who am i to judge? who am i to question? look at us, educated, high-income earners and infertility ruined our marriage, we are unhappy, why on earth would a baby born to us have a happy existance? we have lost whatever love we had. now its just a mission to have a baby to be complete. honestly it is. because he continues to be miserable with babyless me. **sigh** And then to top it off, i spoke to a little administrator lady who was sitting in my office waiting for me to sign off stuff. shes a cute lovely, tiny blonde little thing who was married a year ago. on the 29th may, my friend and i went to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test, and little blondie was hovering around the fertility supplements isle. out the corner of my eye i saw her quickly take a box and rush to the counter. i was a few rows down at the folic acid and calcium supplements section, convinced i was pregnant. today she tells me she is 5 weeks pregnant. i want to literally cry as i type this. how easy for her. i think she is so lovely really, but why not me, why. and why stick these things in my face??? it wasnt her to stick it, but god coz she was obviously on the same cycle as me and stocking up on fertility supplements, and here she is pregnant! she obviously does not know my desperate and great lengths at that, that i have gone through. but still, such sadness for me 😦 and then yesteday i saw that my friend who had the IVF last year same time as me has named her baby (via my stalking social media) i smiled at the name. and it was a genuine smile. but then also sad for me.

my husband’s incentive at work just came through this month in his pay, he sent me his payslip, normally he sends it to me with a smiley face or something (i know coz i searched his past payslips that have the incentives on it), this time nothing. i was so happy that the money has come through for the IVF. and so sad that we have to use it for that. he was just blank about it. i know because he spent the night watching youtube videos and drinking brandy, came to bed at 2am, turned his back to me, and slept..like he does every night.

On a positive, I had some good news re: the business we have, a possible person to buy it over from us..we can get some of our money back! but im not sharing with anyone, just praying. please keep me in your prayers that this buyer comes through..xxx

today and now im very emotional. i feel very alone. and sad, with just everything around me and my home life.

 

what could have been

it was 9 months ago that i had my first ICSI/IVF. i would have given birth anytime now. it sounds so stupid to say “given birth”, as i have absolutely no idea what a positive pregnancy test looks like, a >5 beta result, morning sickness, scans, feeling a growing baby in you, let alone what the birthing process would even be. i think when i say these things out loud (or type it) i feel sorry for myself and it fuels my anger and self loathing and self pity. anyway. on the 20 October 2016 we had trasferred 1 perfect looking morula. my baby. my baby that didnt deem me fit enough to snuggle into me and grow. how time flies. how did i even exist thus far? how did i make it?

my temp is still 36.4 degrees. based on last month’s temping. it should haven beem 36.7 – 37 degrees. i did not release an egg. no hope. i was so desperate today, i phoned a gynae close by to see if he could give me a trigger shot, he said no, go to your clinic. i dont have that personal relationship with my clinic or doctor. they just want the IVF/ICSI all this BS femara inbetween is by the by. for them IVF/ICSI is my only hope. and for me, given the 2x transfer failures, im scared, im really really scared this time. and in all honesty, i want so desperately a miracle from god. to fall pregant naturally. is that toooooooo much to ask? **sigh** i need to realize and accept those words my husband said to me in the drive back from the clinic before our IVF discussion and agreement. “there is no miracle from god, we will never be able to have a baby like normal people, it wont be natural”. It is not the will of God for that over our lives, everything was and is a struggle. i hoped and prayed so much, but that verse (Psalm 127) is not something i can hold on to. i read it to believe, GOD will give us a baby, not IVF, but it was a mistake, a fluke, it was a random bible page turning and my sheer desperation attributed it to a sign from god. It was not a sign; it was nothing. i need to WAKE UP! i need to be REALISTIC. do you even know a part of me is hoping that God sees what I am typing and says, I’m going to prove this one wrong, im going to give her a baby this month! she will conceive naturally as my miracle to her! There, ah-ha! boy o boy would i love for god to do that. but i do that every month. every single month when i wish god proves my negativity wrong, or the prophectic words spoken over my life comes to pass. alas. my first year of TTC and trusting in god’s timing is my reality check! a whole wasted year. trusting. and then problems a plenty.

my friend told me she watched a movie and the jist of it was that god presented a man with both his kids and said chose 1 to go to heaven/be saved; and highlighted both their sins and the man could not chose. so god says how then do you expect me to chose? this was when we question why that person and not me? well, yes i understand, but still doesnt help me feel like a reject bleh. and god is god, he can do ANYTHING! he can give me a baby just like he can give a lady who has had abortions in her teens, or a woman who doesnt really want a baby, or a crack-whore or a non-believer or any-bloody-person for that matter, so why not me? why forsake me? those words i utter every time i break down crying. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me

Did i even mention that i have name all my kids? all strong biblical names with significane to us/me/our faith? is it all just fake then? am i just a fraud?

BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Taking back my reins of faith.

I’m a whole 1 day late with my period. Well I am really not getting this leutal phase length thing. My period since the femara after the 2nd hysteroscopy went from March 28 days with 😊 opk on days 12&13; April 26 days with 😊opk on 12; May well I’m on CD28 with 😊opk on CD13. Anyway a day late is a lifetime! I bought a test on Thursday and how’s bloody this for willpower..my buddy at work has the test in her office. She is keeping it. She came with me for my betas in Dec for my cycle after the failed ivf when my period was 11 days late and in Feb after the failed FET. She said when she has to see me every month that I get my period or after a failed beta, she can’t bear to see the numbness and emptiness in me. I look as if death came, I would go open arms. She began crying as she described how she felt looking at me and how hollow I looked. She said she can’t begin to imagine how helpless my hubby feels because she finds it so hard to see me like this for all this time. Anyway it was kinda sad to see how I have embroiled her into my pit of sadness and failure. Shame and she really is amazing and faithful and so positive and I love it, and I can’t wait to tell her and celebrate and hug and cry and be so happy when I do eventually find out I’m pregnant.. so we resolved we were sure it would be positive but she also didn’t want me to have a sad weekend. You see we always so so positive and keep getting shot down so it’s so hard to be confident and have the bubble burst but anyway we decided if Monday period no show..great sign, if it comes, it comes. I’m now working on a hour by hour passing of seeing no dreaded AF! But the cramps and burning sensation in my uterus are just like the damn bloody period pains. But I am praying and shoo’ing them away! 

I carried a strangers baby today. I couldn’t help myself. It was so lovely and I just wanted to feel what it felt like and touch his fat cheeks and nose and he was staring at me so lovingly as if to say, you would make a really great momma someday, so innocent and lovely. His mom was really lucky. She smiled and proceeded to open her arms to carry him and he didn’t want to let go of me! He held on to me tighter. That definitely reassured me that I am a good person. It’s actually happened so many times, random babies and toddlers in the past 2 years hold out their hands for me to carry them, it’s so strange. I sometimes can’t believe how me the chick who really wasn’t a kid person, just embraces some babies and I love it! But then I felt the tears began to come. I quickly began to flutter my eyelids to suck back in the tears, handed the baby over to the momma and said he’s too gorgeous and the sadness came in, wishing I could have my own beautiful baby to hold. 

Then I came home alone. Hubby was out. I armed myself with my bible, my anointing oil, tissue (for tears), and YouTube Praise & Worship music. 

That’s it god. I want my miracle! I want to be that person that testifys and says, I am living proof of a miracle. The fulfillment of prophecies come to pass. I am her/it/this! Lord I have been patient and I want my soul to be at peace now and the desires of my heart met. I knelt down and started praying. Now I have prayed in tongues previously, I know I have said I have never been filled with the Holy Spirit before..but let me explain..so once during alter call during the evening fasting month service, hubby and I went to the front of the church for prayer to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and my body went all weird and started shaking and I was shivering and these weird words came out my mouth but like u know that moment when u confused and u don’t know if u just saying it or what the heck. Look at the time it felt like nothing I ever felt before, and I cried. Obviously I cried. I’m one of those ridiculous cryers in church when praying or worshipping or anything really, I just cry. It’s so embarrassing. Anyway after that when ever I prayed and tried to speak in tongues it didn’t feel natural, it felt like I was forcing it and then I thought that “first time” was a fluke. But when I spoke I felt the same goosebumps feeling. So now i prayed and spoke in tongues, while the worship songs were in the background and I prayed louder and louder and it felt a good and right and my body became all hot and I felt like I was directly talking to god. But with not my normal please I beg u desperation crying prayer, but rather a look here JC, it was a forceful god I love u I trust u I know u have ur own timing and plans but look how I am hurting, come on now, sort out this situation and heal and restore my soul and heart.

I don’t know what may happen. I may get my period and my heart will be gutted and I get the antidepressants and continue praying and maybe the prophecies were spoken not of god but to ease my pain that the person saw on my face and saying that made me believe and give me hope; and I would continue waiting on god’s timing whilst everyone else (who i concern myself too much with and compare to) go on to have their 2nd or 3rd baby, OR I will be that miracle and testimony. After all what more can I do besides still pray. I fight and shout and get so angry with god, yet time and time I go back to my knees and pray. Psalm 127. The scripture I go back to always. My first sign during the fresh ICSI.. 

But I know i had a one on one heart to heart with god. I needed to find my faith and take back my reigns. I needed to be confident in my presentation to god not a frightened little school girl reading her speech to the class filled with anxiety, but rather the now confident successful woman that I have become who demands the audience I address. So angels and god, you all were my audience. Thank you and good night.

Just hang on.

My period is due in 2-4 days depending on whether I have a 26 or 28 day cycle. I have these intense stabbing pains on my lower left side. I feel my period coming but I am oh so hopeful. I had an temp drop at either 9 or 10 DPO depending on which app it is. And then it shot back up but then today the first read was a dip and then spike. I “chose” to take the 2nd reading as I had the thermometer exposed for a few secs before sticking it under my tongue. So I googled and lo and behold a temp dip is a thing. It’s called implantation dip. But this is my first month charting so what the heck do I know and the temp drop today screwed that theory even though I took the 2nd reading. Now I know why these forums say temping is stressful as shit! But yeah, that spurred on the hope and the whole creating the “pregnancy announcement scene”, the “scans scene”, the “baby shower scene” and so forth all in my head in the true fake production of “myhopeforababy”. It’s really the worst feeling ever to feel. Hope. I rummaged through my desk drawers today and found my prescription for antidepressants. It such a blur really as I can’t even remember even getting one. I got it 2 cycles ago, after my first round of femara. And I did not want to take them because I was hopeful. Round 2 and 3 again hopeful google showed round 2 and round 3 success. This would be my 4th round. My prescription for the femara was 4 months then it’s IVF time. We have 2 more months til we get the funds we need so it will be 2 dead months. I can’t believe the first half of the year has gone by. It was just the other day all my failures happened, so fresh and painful in my head and heart and yet the world and numb me in it has plodded along… I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Yes a miracle would happen in our lives. Yes I was hopeful because that’s what drives us to wake up and face the next day. So back to my prescription antidepressants…I really think I need to get them. I can feel myself losing it already. Sitting in front of the tele I held my head in my hands and the tears began to well up. The tears are coming back now again. I’m not making it anymore. I’m really struggling and I need help. This holding on to hope every month..one more month..one more try…and the repeat disappointment..is deteriorating me. I feel it in my soul. But hope is telling me wait. What if? And I will wait until the dreaded murder and then I will make a conscious decision to either try month 4 and then get the antidepressants or get it by Monday next week…

The hope of an infertile. It’s a shitty bloody production staring us, the least believable actors ever. Full stop.

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

conversations..

So you know the christian friend of mine who is pregnant, well, she has been on my mind for a while. I kept wanting to reach out, i missed her, i missed talking about “our” infertility struggle, i missed her encouraging me and her honesty about how shitty going through this can be and still trying to stay faithful and strong and wrapping your head around god’s plan for us going through it.

And yet i didnt reach out, because she was in a happy phase now, they had come out of their valley. They continued and pressed on in their ministries at church. We didnt, we stopped. For many reasons. And yes, i will be first to admit that it is far too hard to be involved in church ministries when you heart is aching so badly and you get no comfort or joy, not a single sign from god, nothing, nada. I know you are supposed to press on and pray and and and…but imagine seeing all these people, now good, but previously were’nt the ideal christians even whilst in church circles (heck, neither were us, but we tried, and we never got actively involved as leaders until we eased up on partying etc.), but who are now involved in ministries and happily preganant. There are too many pregnant people in the ministries we were involved in, so I just could not, I’m sorry, i could not, especially that these leaders were not the nicest people. I am straight forward, but im not mean. anyway, lost in a tangent. Yes, so they pressed on and were prophecized over and it came to pass, they are pregnant. So I dont even know if im jealous, I dont think i am, but I am asking the question why not me, like with the friend that IVF’d 2 days after me, i was happy for her, but again, why not me.

Anyway, i called my friend, because i wanted to say that i was sorry, sorry that i couldnt bring myself to wish her a happy mothers day, sorry that i wasnt checking if she was ok and how she was feeling, if she wanted to eat something special or how her belly looked and if she gained weight and what sex was the baby and how did it feel seeing the baby’s heartbeat and scans…god how i wish i could have those feelings, and that in itself prevented me from asking her. i was such a bad friend, because i can only imagine how excited i would be if i were her and want to share every little feeling with my friends and i just felt like such an ugly human being, what an awful person to not be there for my friend, and so selfish that i only concerned myself with my pain that i could not ask her basic questions for fear of hurting my own shitty feelings. man o man. I expected her to answer the phone in a cold manner because i wasnt around, but it was the warmest voice, instantly i wanted to cry, my heart was so softened by this sincere voice. she was not angry that i was distant, she was too good a person for that, so she deserved to be pregnant. We chatted, i told her i missed her, and I wish we could exchange baby talk, but i cant relate and that I am not jealous, i just dont know how to react or behave anymore coz im still in my rut of infertility and the unknown. I felt good speaking to her, i still question why not me, but im glad she got her rainbow…

on another note, has anyone heard of cassava for fertility? or twins? yeah i know, im struggling to get pregnant with one, im querying 2 hahhahahha! im a mental case, but heck, i would try anything. Anyways, i got the vegetable, boiled it and ate it.


my husband is now a year older and not a dad. He told me its so weird when your friends call you to wish you and their kids wish u too. But it was sad as he said it.

another lady at work is TTC her second kid. She is soooo frustrated that its been 7 months and no baby, but she looks pregnant to me, she says she will test, she knows ive been trying so she says she cannot begin to fathom my frustration at 3 years and theres her 7 months. but life is such.

And then otherwise, I don’t think I’m that stressed. In feb in desperately wanted to be pregnant after my op and before we had the family vacay so we could announce our news. Fail. March came, hubby and I were miserable and fighting. Fail. April we still just fought early on as a follow through from the previous month and I desperately wanted to be pregnant as per my “prophecies” about May month, I wanted to go to the baby shower pregnant at least even if only by 4 weeks, and birthday prezzie surprise for hubby (yes I even planned on ordering a “dad’s little kid” or something to that effect romper, coz I was so sure, second month femara and and. And. Fail. This month, well it’s still May! Whooo hooo, still prophecy month, but other than that nada to pressurize the need to be pregnant except for my own desire. I already know hope would be futile. So I’m plodding along and expecting another failed month…

 

Happy not-a-mother’s day

We decided to go for breakfast today. The restaurant manager proceeds to hand me a Mother’s Day gift. I promptly replied “No no, I’m not a mother”. He proceeded to tell me, it was a gift, give it to your mom or friend or anybody or just keep it for you being you. He left the table and my husband says..but babe you are a mom… I held my face in my hand and teared. It was a soft teary cry and I quickly got my tissues out my bag and wiped my face but it was that uncontrollable sad tears that slipped through. My husband held my hand and said he loves me and who knows next year this time things may be different, we will be running around changing diapers and and and…, I said we say thy every year. Anyway he says I am a mother because of our little fur baby, but since trying to have a human baby. I felt quite pathetic every time I called myself a mom. I’m in no way taking away anything from fur baby mommas, because I am one, but it doesn’t feel the same when you desperately want a little 1/2 you 1/2 hubby.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are mothers. You are so blessed!!! 

To those who are not, my heart, my prayers and my hugs go out to you on this day xxx

Yesterday 

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if they’re here to stay..

Yesterday I “came out” to my family. My mother and sister. I cried. It was a helpless sad cry. I find myself wanting to just cry as I type this. I explained the prodding and poking and ops and drips and procedures and how invasive and some painful and it made me cry for my own self for what I had gone through. But it was out there, my infertility struggle and pain. My little nephew was around, and he’s old enough to sort of know and understand, and I felt weak because to everyone I am this strong one and yet this has broken me into a million insecure little pieces of nothingness,  and to my nephew I was his aunt who knew everything and could make everything right and I was always the ok one, and there I was crying like a helpless little girl who couldn’t get the one thing she wanted so desperately. 

My husband always defends his insensitive family by saying they don’t know the extent of how much we are trying. I woke at 5am to the murmurings of a baby. It was my husband and our dog..snoring 😄. I don’t really speak much of my dog, but he IS my baby boy, my love my everything. For anonymity I won’t disclose much of him, as all would know, but he is my one and only little angel pie. I ❤️ him with so much absolute love beyond any measure. Maybe I will post a blog about him, but for now he is my private of private little loves who I don’t want to share of. So anyway, while awake, I began to pray. Pray hard to soften my heart to the insensitivity of my husband’s family. I realized that i will always be spoken to as an outsider and with disregard, it’s just how it is. It’s in the tone of ones voice, instantly easy to pick up! It’s cold and distant when they speak to me versus anyone else. So I prayed for that. When I awoke I told my husband that I was awake and I was praying and that if he wanted to tell them he should, but that they already know and they are passing these comments either to actually get a reaction or me come out and I have resolved it. It upset him because he said well if I have already resolved that they know and are just insensitive then what’s the point. But I have left the ball in his court. He must do as he pleases.

Oh and my husband asked me about when my period is due as ovulation was 2 weeks ago, I of course did not tell him I tested alone and it was a negative, instead I stated I know my period is on it’s way and low and behold after much googling for hope of any means, I have the start of my day 1 light period today! 

Another month bites the dust…