yes, thats how i feel the world is to me. sticking it to me. i actually wanted to write this 2 days ago, but then i thought i was really just being stupid and imagining things, but gosh i dont even know.
two days ago, i saw 2 pregnant woman waiting on the bus to go home. gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous..thats the only way to describe them and then i thought….uuurrrgh god, they look so amazing, but i really really dont want to see that 😦 then i recall a conversation my christian friend and i had via text where she says she remembers how low she felt when she heard of pregnant woman stories and baby stuff and now she just honestly doesnt want to remember coz it was so horrible..which is the pit i am still in bleh. then this morning on my commute to work and i saw a woman who honestly looks so so poor, like she cannot even afford to feed herself and i thought was what a coddled up baby in her arms and instantly said out loud..”seriously, you give her a baby??? geez thanks god” and i saw she had no baby tucked in so i apologized to god..ooops. but my bitterness takes over when i see such things. its not right man, really its not. these people just fall pregnant carelessly and with no means to give the child not only material things but emotional too becasue they work soo hard to afford the little they can and these kids end up on the street doing bad stuff coz the parents have 2 jobs and and and..but who am i to judge? who am i to question? look at us, educated, high-income earners and infertility ruined our marriage, we are unhappy, why on earth would a baby born to us have a happy existance? we have lost whatever love we had. now its just a mission to have a baby to be complete. honestly it is. because he continues to be miserable with babyless me. **sigh** And then to top it off, i spoke to a little administrator lady who was sitting in my office waiting for me to sign off stuff. shes a cute lovely, tiny blonde little thing who was married a year ago. on the 29th may, my friend and i went to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test, and little blondie was hovering around the fertility supplements isle. out the corner of my eye i saw her quickly take a box and rush to the counter. i was a few rows down at the folic acid and calcium supplements section, convinced i was pregnant. today she tells me she is 5 weeks pregnant. i want to literally cry as i type this. how easy for her. i think she is so lovely really, but why not me, why. and why stick these things in my face??? it wasnt her to stick it, but god coz she was obviously on the same cycle as me and stocking up on fertility supplements, and here she is pregnant! she obviously does not know my desperate and great lengths at that, that i have gone through. but still, such sadness for me 😦 and then yesteday i saw that my friend who had the IVF last year same time as me has named her baby (via my stalking social media) i smiled at the name. and it was a genuine smile. but then also sad for me.
my husband’s incentive at work just came through this month in his pay, he sent me his payslip, normally he sends it to me with a smiley face or something (i know coz i searched his past payslips that have the incentives on it), this time nothing. i was so happy that the money has come through for the IVF. and so sad that we have to use it for that. he was just blank about it. i know because he spent the night watching youtube videos and drinking brandy, came to bed at 2am, turned his back to me, and slept..like he does every night.
On a positive, I had some good news re: the business we have, a possible person to buy it over from us..we can get some of our money back! but im not sharing with anyone, just praying. please keep me in your prayers that this buyer comes through..xxx
today and now im very emotional. i feel very alone. and sad, with just everything around me and my home life.