BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Just hang on.

My period is due in 2-4 days depending on whether I have a 26 or 28 day cycle. I have these intense stabbing pains on my lower left side. I feel my period coming but I am oh so hopeful. I had an temp drop at either 9 or 10 DPO depending on which app it is. And then it shot back up but then today the first read was a dip and then spike. I “chose” to take the 2nd reading as I had the thermometer exposed for a few secs before sticking it under my tongue. So I googled and lo and behold a temp dip is a thing. It’s called implantation dip. But this is my first month charting so what the heck do I know and the temp drop today screwed that theory even though I took the 2nd reading. Now I know why these forums say temping is stressful as shit! But yeah, that spurred on the hope and the whole creating the “pregnancy announcement scene”, the “scans scene”, the “baby shower scene” and so forth all in my head in the true fake production of “myhopeforababy”. It’s really the worst feeling ever to feel. Hope. I rummaged through my desk drawers today and found my prescription for antidepressants. It such a blur really as I can’t even remember even getting one. I got it 2 cycles ago, after my first round of femara. And I did not want to take them because I was hopeful. Round 2 and 3 again hopeful google showed round 2 and round 3 success. This would be my 4th round. My prescription for the femara was 4 months then it’s IVF time. We have 2 more months til we get the funds we need so it will be 2 dead months. I can’t believe the first half of the year has gone by. It was just the other day all my failures happened, so fresh and painful in my head and heart and yet the world and numb me in it has plodded along… I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Yes a miracle would happen in our lives. Yes I was hopeful because that’s what drives us to wake up and face the next day. So back to my prescription antidepressants…I really think I need to get them. I can feel myself losing it already. Sitting in front of the tele I held my head in my hands and the tears began to well up. The tears are coming back now again. I’m not making it anymore. I’m really struggling and I need help. This holding on to hope every month..one more month..one more try…and the repeat disappointment..is deteriorating me. I feel it in my soul. But hope is telling me wait. What if? And I will wait until the dreaded murder and then I will make a conscious decision to either try month 4 and then get the antidepressants or get it by Monday next week…

The hope of an infertile. It’s a shitty bloody production staring us, the least believable actors ever. Full stop.

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! πŸ™

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

Sucker

Yes that’s me. I’m a sucker for punishment. Well it’s not deliberate, life is just such. 

My day on Friday started shit and I should have known it would go downhill. Why was it shit? 

Well first I get a text from the lady at our home prayer group who’s husband is the leader saying, hi how are u doing. The notification popped up on my screen. I left it unread deliberately..I knew where the convo would go.. 

So 2 hours after my meeting, I respond saying I am well and hope u guys are too. She then proceeds cautiously texting, how’s work and home. Again, my response all good. She further presses on to say she felt I was heavy hearted. Well first prize to bright spark her! Why do I say this? Well last year May month to be exact her and her husband as leaders in the church and of our prayer group asked us what we were trusting god for, to which i replied that we were praying for a baby and that I had ops to correct my womb but still nothing. This was now our 2nd year of trying and praying and trusting god. So we were pretty low at this point but no one else knew this. And thereafter during the prayer meeting they proceeded to ask the entire prayer group to pray for us as we were trying for a baby (zero confidentiality or discretion on their part!) and claimed that by next year this time we would be holding our baby. The irony in her messaging me a year later baby less and not even pregnant. Instead of saying yes, I am miserable because of my bloody infertility and failed everything! I said nah all good. The little persistent woman then says she dreamt about me and that the Holy Spirit wants to get back to touch with me but cannot. NB, I have never encountered the Holy Spirit, through all my desperate cries not an incling of feeling anything except alone and unheard, so “get back?” Hmmm confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know my god, I’ve just never experienced “that feeling”. It’s like studying for an exam, you know the answers because you have studied, but you never took the test. It’s a shit comparison but hey it’s all I can think of now. So my reply was: I don’t feel this way, and we are all good. Note how I falsely reiterate “we are all good” hoping maybe if other people believe it, we too would. Anyway, I further say we have a lot of stress work wise, the business we part own and personal, but we manage it well and dealing with it fine. Then she says that she asked god why is she dreaming of me and that my message about the stress affirms it that in her dream I was in a body of water alone and it was interpreted that I need to seek god to manage what I am going through. Then I was irritated. We have been model christians, involved in every aspect of the church to a draining point, where the fellowships that we were in I even felt had lost the plot and it was no longer about the cause but a status of being the church people, so we took a break. Not because of infertility and unanswered prayers, but because taking a more active role in church highlighted that these “leaders” arent always the best people and that there were lots of double standards. I did not want to be that person. I wanted to go to church and enjoy god. Not for status, but coz I wanted to be a Christian and carry on with my kind hearted acts, not for praise by everyone but because I would know I helped someone. Anyways lost in a tangent there. But since last year May and them revealing to the entire prayer group how desperately we were trying to have a baby, we stopped going. So after her last text I replied. I don’t really know why u dreamt that, lots of people dream things and it does not mean much, I pray daily and try to be a good person who does good things. In our past experiences we have learnt that we have had many disappointments but we have had to deal with it and move on, yes we still pray but we also need to help ourselves. She replied that she will ask god for a clearer picture. I said take care. Kissy face emoticon, end of texts. Full stop.

Then I think back to the night before where I literally woke to a sweat with some figure standing at my bedside “watching” me. May be imagination, maybe something real. Who knows. But it’s scary shit I know. I was flipping scared. This happened once before about 6 months ago, it was an old white bearded male from a completely different era, like the 1900’s or something smoking a pipe, but it was not scary just standing over the bed. Hubby saw and heard nothing, I woke kicking back in the bed and called out the name of Jesus. This figure I saw now was scary but I couldn’t utter anything, it was just a tall black and red figure. And then I get the text saying something heavy is holding me back from reaching the Holy Spirit. Geeez really?! I texted hubby to tell him about the texts and dream. He called back with his famous stance, ignore it and her, don’t overthink. Great, he tells me this.

Then another text from the Christian friend who told me in march how her pregnancy is gods answered prayer (yes she tells me this and I think, why not me too) but she was nice about it in an irritating way. But I guess anyone would feel that way, why are u more deserving or your prayers answered and not mine? You are younger, trying for less of a time, your marriage hasn’t been butchered. But I’m so glad your prayers were answered. I’m still waiting, thanks. Clearly I’m in a shit bitter mood today. Sorry. Anyway she texts to find out how I am, and my usual response is that work is so busy. It was a quick convo, I didn’t ask about her pregnancy, nada. Smiley face emoticon. End of convo.

My headache starts. I can’t take any meds besides paracetamol because “what if I’m with child” or that anything else is not good when ttc. But I had not paracetamol tabs, so I suffered the whole day.

In the evening we dine with hubbys family. So this is my question. If people know that you have had a laparoscopy and hysterscopy a year ago, the ops are because you want to conceive correct? And if a year and plus months later still no baby, then what the f%#<! Clearly there’s something going on so don’t flipping ask me to look at how cute and small a strangers baby is while we’re having dinner, because I then want to burst into tears or punch u in the head, you stupid dumb woman! Aaarrgggghh!! FML!!! The double whiskey didn’t even help. Yes scared to take any other meds except paracetamol but I’m knocking down a double whiskey at the “look at the cute baby comment”! Then we get home and my considerate husband speaks baby talk for what seemed like forever to the family’s kid over the phone. My headache reached a point of no return. FML. I hate going anywhere or seeing anyone. 

And I’m just so bloody emotional. 

To add further insult to injury I took a clearblue digital Saturday morning at 13dpo. I downloaded this fertility friend app, it’s actually much better than the ovia app, so it gave some stats about how 76.9% of positive pregnancy tests are reported before 13dpo. I had no implantation bleeding just cramps, but still had hope, oh did I mention this month I dreamt that I had implantation bleeding. Yeah it was quite vivid. But then again I’m always dreaming up these crazy dreams about us frolicking around with our gorgeous babies. Back to reality, period due in 3 days, so I thought maybe there’s hope. It’s the second month of femara and inofolic and maca powder daily. Just maybe. It’s hubbys birthday month, I have had all those “prophetic” words about May being a significant month, and then again about being fruitful before my next birthday and I wanted to see the friend who’s baby shower it is coming up and not hide away like an infertile coward, plus I had gained so much weight and my tummy felt pregnant coz it was bigger lol with the fat tyre band πŸ˜‚ but mostly because I remember hubbys birthday the last 2 year and how I desperately wanted to surprise him. The first year we went for a spa treatment and my period was a day late, and I didn’t have any champagne, we were so excited. Came home, fooled around and my period comes just after that. Last year, it period pitched 2 days before his birthday, so this year I thought maybe just bloody maybe..


And there it was. Your whole being destroyed with one word “Not”. And then commences a tearful week ahead, fighting with god, angry, bitter, tired, resentful, empty, feeling pathetic and like a failure, then another round of 5 day meds, praying, pleading with god for any sign or answer or to talk to me or take away my pain, googling femara 5mg success after “x” number of rounds begins and then the vicious cycle of hope and failure continues.. it’s the story of my life for countless cycles…..

Hollow feeling in chest

Today I decided to either torture myself or give myself hope by watching YouTube videos femara related and live pregnancy announcements. In the one video the lady takes a cheapie and for the life of me I can’t see the line and then she takes a clearblue digital and it thinks forever and she talks and talks and talks…all rubbish talk though, then it pops up 1-2 weeks pregnant, and instantly I get that hollow feeling in my chest, that same feeling each time I take a pregnancy test and its negative. It’s an inexplicable feeling u get when u pray so hard and hope so much and it all comes crashing down with a stark 1 line or after much flashing thinking thingy on the digital a big “not pregnant” and u wish the “not” was not there. Positive pregnancy tests must be so surreal. I’m going to take one all the time when I do fall pregnant just to feel that glee!! Heeeheee, it’s so silly I know, but hey why not indulge right😊 oh god I wish that day would come!

On another note. My previous skinny body is gone! My pants don’t fit, my tummy’s got these rolls of fat tyre bands around them and I have just let myself go. Even through the ivf and FET I didn’t even get as fat as I am now. I’m 56kgs – that was 2 weeks ago, now I’m probably 58kgs, and I’m short. Look I don’t look like a blob, but I don’t exactly feel confident anymore, I can see the fat and cellulite and I don’t like it. Before ttc I was just barely 51kgs. Then month after month I postpone my high protein zero carb zero dairy zero sugar coffee diet because I keep saying what if this is the month that I get pregnant and dieting is not the best idea and to my detriment my hips ain’t lying, they just keep expanding. So I really don’t want to lose confidence in my appearance (at least I have some shred left in that department) and I need to bloody get fit. Next month. Time to shape up my fat ass 🀣

Passing time

I read an article the other day about the ideal age to have a baby. 34-35 it seems is the ideal age. It made me feel great. For that moment. I shouldn’t feel that bad. I’m at the ideal age. Another cousin turned 30 the other day. She was always seemingly much younger than us. And she’s not married no kids no boyfriend even. Hubby and I both said the same thing, she’s only 5 years younger than us? No boyfriend even yet? We don’t look that bad then. Strange that we always look for affirmation by comparison for our current situation. It’s human nature. Then 2 days ago I saw (after about a month) a lady who used to work in our department but moved to another one. She had lost so much weight. I said wow u really did lose a lot of weight. She said not by choice. She’s sick. I knew it was cancer. I hate cancer. I have not witnessed cancer on such a personal level but I know of people sort of close that did not make it. And I saw how it gaunted their bodies. And she looked like this. I hugged her and teared as I said you’re going to be ok. I’m going to pray for u. She was not the nicest of people. She spoke down to people. She was arrogant. But she did not deserve to be sick. I don’t know her yet I say she did not deserve it, and I see other really bad people and think why do they just have it all. Maybe she is bad that’s why she’s sick. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learnt. Maybe like how I have this infertility, maybe I deserve it or maybe there’s a lesson to be learnt. Too many maybes. Then her story interested me and I asked around the office of my close friends who knew her longer than me and they said she was engaged to be married and he cheated on her. She left him. Struggled to get the house they bought together on her name, had to take on 2 extra jobs to pay for the debt. She was 35, living with roommates, no boyfriend or husband or kids. How sad. Then I felt convicted that evening. How lucky I was. It could be worse. 

On these parenting forums I read of 2 latest pregnancies. The one had a failed ivf with me, then her failed FET was in feb, mine was January. And she fell pregnant naturally in march! I was happy for her. Sad my story never ended like that but happy. It was a miracle. Yes I don’t believe in miracles for me, but for others most certainly. I never commented and I stopped notifications for that thread but I was happy, there was hope for me.

I dare not type this but I’m going to. Last year around February a prayer group at work prayed for me and saw the month of May being a month of something significant happening. I had my op in jan, I figured it would be my pregnancy in may. May 2016 came and went and was miserable and nothing happened. The note with the month and my name is still inside the prayer jar. Just my note I think as everyone else had their blessings occur. New job, increased salary etc. and every time I walk into my friends office I stare at the jar with the folded pink note with my name and month on it. My friend told me about her prayer and seeing the baby boy and that the month of may was significant after one of my breakdowns to her and she said she did not want to tell me for fear of her being wrong but she heard the promise for me so clearly from god. After no positive pregnancy test in may I cried to her and said I don’t know anymore, then she said she can’t say what may will bring, maybe my baby will be born in may, so then I held onto that, that’s may2017 my baby would be born. Aug and September last year passed and nothing. So now we’re a month away from may. What if! Last month a man of god asked me when my birthday was and the date, and said I will be a very fruitful woman, he said as a pastor he was speaking this not as a regular man. Before bursting into tears I smiled, and he said before your next birthday ok. Wow. I was literally sobbing after hearing that. So many promises. Maybe it’s time to just believe. I always wanted to surprise my husband for his birthday with a positive pregnancy test. I hope next month I can. I mean gods promise is there. I have had so many people tell me this. Surely I just need to believe xxx

Dillusional

I’ve read a million (ok maybe closer to like 50+) stories on various ttc forums where women who have had hysteroscopy/laparoscopic surgeries fall pregnant the very next cycle. In January last year after my surgery I was confident that would be me. Before my 34th birthday I would be pregnant. After all my uterus would be fixed, what ever mild endo would be cleared and voila! No. Then February this year after my 35th birthday I had my surgery the hysteroscopy and they cleared some tissue at the cervix, and I was ready to go. I attributed the failed ivf and FET to stress and me being my body reacting badly both times during and before transfer. This month i took the letrozole 5mg and I got the positive clearblue smiley face opk and we timed it right (although we fought like hell, I still boiled it down to we timed it correctly).

I felt pregnant through all our fighting and dealing with seeing the toddler and it’s annoying parents visiting. I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the toddler’s company which was sad (mind you I hated that my husband connected so much which this child that was not ours, it was too painful to hear and watch. honestly it was) because I was so embittered at my situation, I couldn’t connect and the toddler could see, it didn’t really like me and truth be told most babies do like me, but this was probably sensed my embittered non-mom self and didn’t want me to carry it. It was jealousy really, that’s the plain down truth. I know my baby will behave less naughty and thinking back this kid said cute things but I just could not see this, past my own pain for wanting my own cute baby. Anyway back to my one month post op cycle.

So hubby and I are “speaking” and saying “I love u” when we end our calls to each other and kissing goodbye, it’s not the same. We are not the same. This evil disease killed us. But that is our lot in life. So this morning he texts “when is period due” I reply: “Wednesday. And it will arrive, I don’t doubt that. My stress levels were quite high this past month. So if there was a natural possibility it would not have worked I think. From my opinion.” He replied “ok”. Last week through our non-speaking and me feeling great at being selfish and not devouting my every action/word to make up for not giving him a baby, I did feel pregnant. I really don’t know what feeling pregnant feels like, but in my head the twinges were implantation and bouts of nausea and my pants getting tighter were all signs. But the sign that never came which I looked for every cycle for the last 3 years was implantation bleeding. Not a damn spot of it! And no big sore boobs. I had swollen boobs during the ivf and FET when on progesterone but this time nothing. I’m on CD28 and like clockwork my period arrived this evening. It’s not implantation bleeding although I’m still stupidly hopeful. 

But the dillusionment comes in that I somehow thought maybe… it just might work, through the fighting etc. what if? And the pessimist in me is saying but u knew it wouldn’t so what the heck. 

On an even more pathetic note. I still annoint my belly with oil.. my period will still come full on tomorrow. But I utter these words as I mark the cross 3 times with the oil over my womb: “in the name of the father, son and Holy Spirit, bless my womb lord and my babies”

In a previous blog I typed Jesus of u even exist. Yes I do this annoint my womb and say these words, yet I question god? What is the flip wrong with me. Hopeful, patheticfull (yes that should be a real word), dillusional lost woman that is me. Unable to do the thing every woman was created to do.

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

Nightclub era

When were were younger we frequented nightclubs. It was fun and great. We haven’t for the past 3 years because we passed that stage and were in the middle of trying to be responsible parents to be and it reminded me of an era long past that we should have graduated from but were stuck in limbo. I didn’t enjoy being around all these 20 somethings because I was now that old person that I thought what the heck are they doing here, yes I was that what the heck person. But last night we ventured out to one of the city hotspots. It was gastly. I hated it. Hubby was old and oblivious and tipsy. It reminded me of how we should be home coddling our baby or toddler instead of drinking shots and trying to forget the pain which made pain more obvious. It was just as terrible as I imagined it to be. I’m not even fun company for hubby and we have no friends to go out nightclubbing with in any case. They all have kids except us.

I guess I’m just more annoyed because my period which was meant to start 2 days ago has not, perhaps because of the hysterscope I had end Feb. but still that now further delays our natural trying and leaves us back in the unknown cycle day. And also the 2nd cycle after fresh IVF was delayed by 41 days 😩. In December god decided to play that cruel trick on us and led us to believe that he blessed us naturally after the failed ivf with our Christmas miracle πŸ˜‚. It was such a cruel trick on us. Worst Christmas ever. I say that every Christmas πŸ™ˆ. Oh and adding to a shitty yesterday I was told that someone married for a year was pregnant. Great! Another one down. 

Me bloody 12 years down and old and baby less and still having shots at the nightclub dancing on my own prentending everything is great.

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!