BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Just hang on.

My period is due in 2-4 days depending on whether I have a 26 or 28 day cycle. I have these intense stabbing pains on my lower left side. I feel my period coming but I am oh so hopeful. I had an temp drop at either 9 or 10 DPO depending on which app it is. And then it shot back up but then today the first read was a dip and then spike. I “chose” to take the 2nd reading as I had the thermometer exposed for a few secs before sticking it under my tongue. So I googled and lo and behold a temp dip is a thing. It’s called implantation dip. But this is my first month charting so what the heck do I know and the temp drop today screwed that theory even though I took the 2nd reading. Now I know why these forums say temping is stressful as shit! But yeah, that spurred on the hope and the whole creating the “pregnancy announcement scene”, the “scans scene”, the “baby shower scene” and so forth all in my head in the true fake production of “myhopeforababy”. It’s really the worst feeling ever to feel. Hope. I rummaged through my desk drawers today and found my prescription for antidepressants. It such a blur really as I can’t even remember even getting one. I got it 2 cycles ago, after my first round of femara. And I did not want to take them because I was hopeful. Round 2 and 3 again hopeful google showed round 2 and round 3 success. This would be my 4th round. My prescription for the femara was 4 months then it’s IVF time. We have 2 more months til we get the funds we need so it will be 2 dead months. I can’t believe the first half of the year has gone by. It was just the other day all my failures happened, so fresh and painful in my head and heart and yet the world and numb me in it has plodded along… I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Yes a miracle would happen in our lives. Yes I was hopeful because that’s what drives us to wake up and face the next day. So back to my prescription antidepressants…I really think I need to get them. I can feel myself losing it already. Sitting in front of the tele I held my head in my hands and the tears began to well up. The tears are coming back now again. I’m not making it anymore. I’m really struggling and I need help. This holding on to hope every month..one more month..one more try…and the repeat disappointment..is deteriorating me. I feel it in my soul. But hope is telling me wait. What if? And I will wait until the dreaded murder and then I will make a conscious decision to either try month 4 and then get the antidepressants or get it by Monday next week…

The hope of an infertile. It’s a shitty bloody production staring us, the least believable actors ever. Full stop.

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

conversations..

So you know the christian friend of mine who is pregnant, well, she has been on my mind for a while. I kept wanting to reach out, i missed her, i missed talking about “our” infertility struggle, i missed her encouraging me and her honesty about how shitty going through this can be and still trying to stay faithful and strong and wrapping your head around god’s plan for us going through it.

And yet i didnt reach out, because she was in a happy phase now, they had come out of their valley. They continued and pressed on in their ministries at church. We didnt, we stopped. For many reasons. And yes, i will be first to admit that it is far too hard to be involved in church ministries when you heart is aching so badly and you get no comfort or joy, not a single sign from god, nothing, nada. I know you are supposed to press on and pray and and and…but imagine seeing all these people, now good, but previously were’nt the ideal christians even whilst in church circles (heck, neither were us, but we tried, and we never got actively involved as leaders until we eased up on partying etc.), but who are now involved in ministries and happily preganant. There are too many pregnant people in the ministries we were involved in, so I just could not, I’m sorry, i could not, especially that these leaders were not the nicest people. I am straight forward, but im not mean. anyway, lost in a tangent. Yes, so they pressed on and were prophecized over and it came to pass, they are pregnant. So I dont even know if im jealous, I dont think i am, but I am asking the question why not me, like with the friend that IVF’d 2 days after me, i was happy for her, but again, why not me.

Anyway, i called my friend, because i wanted to say that i was sorry, sorry that i couldnt bring myself to wish her a happy mothers day, sorry that i wasnt checking if she was ok and how she was feeling, if she wanted to eat something special or how her belly looked and if she gained weight and what sex was the baby and how did it feel seeing the baby’s heartbeat and scans…god how i wish i could have those feelings, and that in itself prevented me from asking her. i was such a bad friend, because i can only imagine how excited i would be if i were her and want to share every little feeling with my friends and i just felt like such an ugly human being, what an awful person to not be there for my friend, and so selfish that i only concerned myself with my pain that i could not ask her basic questions for fear of hurting my own shitty feelings. man o man. I expected her to answer the phone in a cold manner because i wasnt around, but it was the warmest voice, instantly i wanted to cry, my heart was so softened by this sincere voice. she was not angry that i was distant, she was too good a person for that, so she deserved to be pregnant. We chatted, i told her i missed her, and I wish we could exchange baby talk, but i cant relate and that I am not jealous, i just dont know how to react or behave anymore coz im still in my rut of infertility and the unknown. I felt good speaking to her, i still question why not me, but im glad she got her rainbow…

on another note, has anyone heard of cassava for fertility? or twins? yeah i know, im struggling to get pregnant with one, im querying 2 hahhahahha! im a mental case, but heck, i would try anything. Anyways, i got the vegetable, boiled it and ate it.


my husband is now a year older and not a dad. He told me its so weird when your friends call you to wish you and their kids wish u too. But it was sad as he said it.

another lady at work is TTC her second kid. She is soooo frustrated that its been 7 months and no baby, but she looks pregnant to me, she says she will test, she knows ive been trying so she says she cannot begin to fathom my frustration at 3 years and theres her 7 months. but life is such.

And then otherwise, I don’t think I’m that stressed. In feb in desperately wanted to be pregnant after my op and before we had the family vacay so we could announce our news. Fail. March came, hubby and I were miserable and fighting. Fail. April we still just fought early on as a follow through from the previous month and I desperately wanted to be pregnant as per my “prophecies” about May month, I wanted to go to the baby shower pregnant at least even if only by 4 weeks, and birthday prezzie surprise for hubby (yes I even planned on ordering a “dad’s little kid” or something to that effect romper, coz I was so sure, second month femara and and. And. Fail. This month, well it’s still May! Whooo hooo, still prophecy month, but other than that nada to pressurize the need to be pregnant except for my own desire. I already know hope would be futile. So I’m plodding along and expecting another failed month…

 

Yesterday 

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if they’re here to stay..

Yesterday I “came out” to my family. My mother and sister. I cried. It was a helpless sad cry. I find myself wanting to just cry as I type this. I explained the prodding and poking and ops and drips and procedures and how invasive and some painful and it made me cry for my own self for what I had gone through. But it was out there, my infertility struggle and pain. My little nephew was around, and he’s old enough to sort of know and understand, and I felt weak because to everyone I am this strong one and yet this has broken me into a million insecure little pieces of nothingness,  and to my nephew I was his aunt who knew everything and could make everything right and I was always the ok one, and there I was crying like a helpless little girl who couldn’t get the one thing she wanted so desperately. 

My husband always defends his insensitive family by saying they don’t know the extent of how much we are trying. I woke at 5am to the murmurings of a baby. It was my husband and our dog..snoring 😄. I don’t really speak much of my dog, but he IS my baby boy, my love my everything. For anonymity I won’t disclose much of him, as all would know, but he is my one and only little angel pie. I ❤️ him with so much absolute love beyond any measure. Maybe I will post a blog about him, but for now he is my private of private little loves who I don’t want to share of. So anyway, while awake, I began to pray. Pray hard to soften my heart to the insensitivity of my husband’s family. I realized that i will always be spoken to as an outsider and with disregard, it’s just how it is. It’s in the tone of ones voice, instantly easy to pick up! It’s cold and distant when they speak to me versus anyone else. So I prayed for that. When I awoke I told my husband that I was awake and I was praying and that if he wanted to tell them he should, but that they already know and they are passing these comments either to actually get a reaction or me come out and I have resolved it. It upset him because he said well if I have already resolved that they know and are just insensitive then what’s the point. But I have left the ball in his court. He must do as he pleases.

Oh and my husband asked me about when my period is due as ovulation was 2 weeks ago, I of course did not tell him I tested alone and it was a negative, instead I stated I know my period is on it’s way and low and behold after much googling for hope of any means, I have the start of my day 1 light period today! 

Another month bites the dust…

Sucker

Yes that’s me. I’m a sucker for punishment. Well it’s not deliberate, life is just such. 

My day on Friday started shit and I should have known it would go downhill. Why was it shit? 

Well first I get a text from the lady at our home prayer group who’s husband is the leader saying, hi how are u doing. The notification popped up on my screen. I left it unread deliberately..I knew where the convo would go.. 

So 2 hours after my meeting, I respond saying I am well and hope u guys are too. She then proceeds cautiously texting, how’s work and home. Again, my response all good. She further presses on to say she felt I was heavy hearted. Well first prize to bright spark her! Why do I say this? Well last year May month to be exact her and her husband as leaders in the church and of our prayer group asked us what we were trusting god for, to which i replied that we were praying for a baby and that I had ops to correct my womb but still nothing. This was now our 2nd year of trying and praying and trusting god. So we were pretty low at this point but no one else knew this. And thereafter during the prayer meeting they proceeded to ask the entire prayer group to pray for us as we were trying for a baby (zero confidentiality or discretion on their part!) and claimed that by next year this time we would be holding our baby. The irony in her messaging me a year later baby less and not even pregnant. Instead of saying yes, I am miserable because of my bloody infertility and failed everything! I said nah all good. The little persistent woman then says she dreamt about me and that the Holy Spirit wants to get back to touch with me but cannot. NB, I have never encountered the Holy Spirit, through all my desperate cries not an incling of feeling anything except alone and unheard, so “get back?” Hmmm confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know my god, I’ve just never experienced “that feeling”. It’s like studying for an exam, you know the answers because you have studied, but you never took the test. It’s a shit comparison but hey it’s all I can think of now. So my reply was: I don’t feel this way, and we are all good. Note how I falsely reiterate “we are all good” hoping maybe if other people believe it, we too would. Anyway, I further say we have a lot of stress work wise, the business we part own and personal, but we manage it well and dealing with it fine. Then she says that she asked god why is she dreaming of me and that my message about the stress affirms it that in her dream I was in a body of water alone and it was interpreted that I need to seek god to manage what I am going through. Then I was irritated. We have been model christians, involved in every aspect of the church to a draining point, where the fellowships that we were in I even felt had lost the plot and it was no longer about the cause but a status of being the church people, so we took a break. Not because of infertility and unanswered prayers, but because taking a more active role in church highlighted that these “leaders” arent always the best people and that there were lots of double standards. I did not want to be that person. I wanted to go to church and enjoy god. Not for status, but coz I wanted to be a Christian and carry on with my kind hearted acts, not for praise by everyone but because I would know I helped someone. Anyways lost in a tangent there. But since last year May and them revealing to the entire prayer group how desperately we were trying to have a baby, we stopped going. So after her last text I replied. I don’t really know why u dreamt that, lots of people dream things and it does not mean much, I pray daily and try to be a good person who does good things. In our past experiences we have learnt that we have had many disappointments but we have had to deal with it and move on, yes we still pray but we also need to help ourselves. She replied that she will ask god for a clearer picture. I said take care. Kissy face emoticon, end of texts. Full stop.

Then I think back to the night before where I literally woke to a sweat with some figure standing at my bedside “watching” me. May be imagination, maybe something real. Who knows. But it’s scary shit I know. I was flipping scared. This happened once before about 6 months ago, it was an old white bearded male from a completely different era, like the 1900’s or something smoking a pipe, but it was not scary just standing over the bed. Hubby saw and heard nothing, I woke kicking back in the bed and called out the name of Jesus. This figure I saw now was scary but I couldn’t utter anything, it was just a tall black and red figure. And then I get the text saying something heavy is holding me back from reaching the Holy Spirit. Geeez really?! I texted hubby to tell him about the texts and dream. He called back with his famous stance, ignore it and her, don’t overthink. Great, he tells me this.

Then another text from the Christian friend who told me in march how her pregnancy is gods answered prayer (yes she tells me this and I think, why not me too) but she was nice about it in an irritating way. But I guess anyone would feel that way, why are u more deserving or your prayers answered and not mine? You are younger, trying for less of a time, your marriage hasn’t been butchered. But I’m so glad your prayers were answered. I’m still waiting, thanks. Clearly I’m in a shit bitter mood today. Sorry. Anyway she texts to find out how I am, and my usual response is that work is so busy. It was a quick convo, I didn’t ask about her pregnancy, nada. Smiley face emoticon. End of convo.

My headache starts. I can’t take any meds besides paracetamol because “what if I’m with child” or that anything else is not good when ttc. But I had not paracetamol tabs, so I suffered the whole day.

In the evening we dine with hubbys family. So this is my question. If people know that you have had a laparoscopy and hysterscopy a year ago, the ops are because you want to conceive correct? And if a year and plus months later still no baby, then what the f%#<! Clearly there’s something going on so don’t flipping ask me to look at how cute and small a strangers baby is while we’re having dinner, because I then want to burst into tears or punch u in the head, you stupid dumb woman! Aaarrgggghh!! FML!!! The double whiskey didn’t even help. Yes scared to take any other meds except paracetamol but I’m knocking down a double whiskey at the “look at the cute baby comment”! Then we get home and my considerate husband speaks baby talk for what seemed like forever to the family’s kid over the phone. My headache reached a point of no return. FML. I hate going anywhere or seeing anyone. 

And I’m just so bloody emotional. 

To add further insult to injury I took a clearblue digital Saturday morning at 13dpo. I downloaded this fertility friend app, it’s actually much better than the ovia app, so it gave some stats about how 76.9% of positive pregnancy tests are reported before 13dpo. I had no implantation bleeding just cramps, but still had hope, oh did I mention this month I dreamt that I had implantation bleeding. Yeah it was quite vivid. But then again I’m always dreaming up these crazy dreams about us frolicking around with our gorgeous babies. Back to reality, period due in 3 days, so I thought maybe there’s hope. It’s the second month of femara and inofolic and maca powder daily. Just maybe. It’s hubbys birthday month, I have had all those “prophetic” words about May being a significant month, and then again about being fruitful before my next birthday and I wanted to see the friend who’s baby shower it is coming up and not hide away like an infertile coward, plus I had gained so much weight and my tummy felt pregnant coz it was bigger lol with the fat tyre band 😂 but mostly because I remember hubbys birthday the last 2 year and how I desperately wanted to surprise him. The first year we went for a spa treatment and my period was a day late, and I didn’t have any champagne, we were so excited. Came home, fooled around and my period comes just after that. Last year, it period pitched 2 days before his birthday, so this year I thought maybe just bloody maybe..


And there it was. Your whole being destroyed with one word “Not”. And then commences a tearful week ahead, fighting with god, angry, bitter, tired, resentful, empty, feeling pathetic and like a failure, then another round of 5 day meds, praying, pleading with god for any sign or answer or to talk to me or take away my pain, googling femara 5mg success after “x” number of rounds begins and then the vicious cycle of hope and failure continues.. it’s the story of my life for countless cycles…..