Yes that’s me. I’m a sucker for punishment. Well it’s not deliberate, life is just such.
My day on Friday started shit and I should have known it would go downhill. Why was it shit?
Well first I get a text from the lady at our home prayer group who’s husband is the leader saying, hi how are u doing. The notification popped up on my screen. I left it unread deliberately..I knew where the convo would go..
So 2 hours after my meeting, I respond saying I am well and hope u guys are too. She then proceeds cautiously texting, how’s work and home. Again, my response all good. She further presses on to say she felt I was heavy hearted. Well first prize to bright spark her! Why do I say this? Well last year May month to be exact her and her husband as leaders in the church and of our prayer group asked us what we were trusting god for, to which i replied that we were praying for a baby and that I had ops to correct my womb but still nothing. This was now our 2nd year of trying and praying and trusting god. So we were pretty low at this point but no one else knew this. And thereafter during the prayer meeting they proceeded to ask the entire prayer group to pray for us as we were trying for a baby (zero confidentiality or discretion on their part!) and claimed that by next year this time we would be holding our baby. The irony in her messaging me a year later baby less and not even pregnant. Instead of saying yes, I am miserable because of my bloody infertility and failed everything! I said nah all good. The little persistent woman then says she dreamt about me and that the Holy Spirit wants to get back to touch with me but cannot. NB, I have never encountered the Holy Spirit, through all my desperate cries not an incling of feeling anything except alone and unheard, so “get back?” Hmmm confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know my god, I’ve just never experienced “that feeling”. It’s like studying for an exam, you know the answers because you have studied, but you never took the test. It’s a shit comparison but hey it’s all I can think of now. So my reply was: I don’t feel this way, and we are all good. Note how I falsely reiterate “we are all good” hoping maybe if other people believe it, we too would. Anyway, I further say we have a lot of stress work wise, the business we part own and personal, but we manage it well and dealing with it fine. Then she says that she asked god why is she dreaming of me and that my message about the stress affirms it that in her dream I was in a body of water alone and it was interpreted that I need to seek god to manage what I am going through. Then I was irritated. We have been model christians, involved in every aspect of the church to a draining point, where the fellowships that we were in I even felt had lost the plot and it was no longer about the cause but a status of being the church people, so we took a break. Not because of infertility and unanswered prayers, but because taking a more active role in church highlighted that these “leaders” arent always the best people and that there were lots of double standards. I did not want to be that person. I wanted to go to church and enjoy god. Not for status, but coz I wanted to be a Christian and carry on with my kind hearted acts, not for praise by everyone but because I would know I helped someone. Anyways lost in a tangent there. But since last year May and them revealing to the entire prayer group how desperately we were trying to have a baby, we stopped going. So after her last text I replied. I don’t really know why u dreamt that, lots of people dream things and it does not mean much, I pray daily and try to be a good person who does good things. In our past experiences we have learnt that we have had many disappointments but we have had to deal with it and move on, yes we still pray but we also need to help ourselves. She replied that she will ask god for a clearer picture. I said take care. Kissy face emoticon, end of texts. Full stop.
Then I think back to the night before where I literally woke to a sweat with some figure standing at my bedside “watching” me. May be imagination, maybe something real. Who knows. But it’s scary shit I know. I was flipping scared. This happened once before about 6 months ago, it was an old white bearded male from a completely different era, like the 1900’s or something smoking a pipe, but it was not scary just standing over the bed. Hubby saw and heard nothing, I woke kicking back in the bed and called out the name of Jesus. This figure I saw now was scary but I couldn’t utter anything, it was just a tall black and red figure. And then I get the text saying something heavy is holding me back from reaching the Holy Spirit. Geeez really?! I texted hubby to tell him about the texts and dream. He called back with his famous stance, ignore it and her, don’t overthink. Great, he tells me this.
Then another text from the Christian friend who told me in march how her pregnancy is gods answered prayer (yes she tells me this and I think, why not me too) but she was nice about it in an irritating way. But I guess anyone would feel that way, why are u more deserving or your prayers answered and not mine? You are younger, trying for less of a time, your marriage hasn’t been butchered. But I’m so glad your prayers were answered. I’m still waiting, thanks. Clearly I’m in a shit bitter mood today. Sorry. Anyway she texts to find out how I am, and my usual response is that work is so busy. It was a quick convo, I didn’t ask about her pregnancy, nada. Smiley face emoticon. End of convo.
My headache starts. I can’t take any meds besides paracetamol because “what if I’m with child” or that anything else is not good when ttc. But I had not paracetamol tabs, so I suffered the whole day.
In the evening we dine with hubbys family. So this is my question. If people know that you have had a laparoscopy and hysterscopy a year ago, the ops are because you want to conceive correct? And if a year and plus months later still no baby, then what the f%#<! Clearly there’s something going on so don’t flipping ask me to look at how cute and small a strangers baby is while we’re having dinner, because I then want to burst into tears or punch u in the head, you stupid dumb woman! Aaarrgggghh!! FML!!! The double whiskey didn’t even help. Yes scared to take any other meds except paracetamol but I’m knocking down a double whiskey at the “look at the cute baby comment”! Then we get home and my considerate husband speaks baby talk for what seemed like forever to the family’s kid over the phone. My headache reached a point of no return. FML. I hate going anywhere or seeing anyone.
And I’m just so bloody emotional.
To add further insult to injury I took a clearblue digital Saturday morning at 13dpo. I downloaded this fertility friend app, it’s actually much better than the ovia app, so it gave some stats about how 76.9% of positive pregnancy tests are reported before 13dpo. I had no implantation bleeding just cramps, but still had hope, oh did I mention this month I dreamt that I had implantation bleeding. Yeah it was quite vivid. But then again I’m always dreaming up these crazy dreams about us frolicking around with our gorgeous babies. Back to reality, period due in 3 days, so I thought maybe there’s hope. It’s the second month of femara and inofolic and maca powder daily. Just maybe. It’s hubbys birthday month, I have had all those “prophetic” words about May being a significant month, and then again about being fruitful before my next birthday and I wanted to see the friend who’s baby shower it is coming up and not hide away like an infertile coward, plus I had gained so much weight and my tummy felt pregnant coz it was bigger lol with the fat tyre band 😂 but mostly because I remember hubbys birthday the last 2 year and how I desperately wanted to surprise him. The first year we went for a spa treatment and my period was a day late, and I didn’t have any champagne, we were so excited. Came home, fooled around and my period comes just after that. Last year, it period pitched 2 days before his birthday, so this year I thought maybe just bloody maybe..
And there it was. Your whole being destroyed with one word “Not”. And then commences a tearful week ahead, fighting with god, angry, bitter, tired, resentful, empty, feeling pathetic and like a failure, then another round of 5 day meds, praying, pleading with god for any sign or answer or to talk to me or take away my pain, googling femara 5mg success after “x” number of rounds begins and then the vicious cycle of hope and failure continues.. it’s the story of my life for countless cycles…..