what could have been

it was 9 months ago that i had my first ICSI/IVF. i would have given birth anytime now. it sounds so stupid to say “given birth”, as i have absolutely no idea what a positive pregnancy test looks like, a >5 beta result, morning sickness, scans, feeling a growing baby in you, let alone what the birthing process would even be. i think when i say these things out loud (or type it) i feel sorry for myself and it fuels my anger and self loathing and self pity. anyway. on the 20 October 2016 we had trasferred 1 perfect looking morula. my baby. my baby that didnt deem me fit enough to snuggle into me and grow. how time flies. how did i even exist thus far? how did i make it?

my temp is still 36.4 degrees. based on last month’s temping. it should haven beem 36.7 – 37 degrees. i did not release an egg. no hope. i was so desperate today, i phoned a gynae close by to see if he could give me a trigger shot, he said no, go to your clinic. i dont have that personal relationship with my clinic or doctor. they just want the IVF/ICSI all this BS femara inbetween is by the by. for them IVF/ICSI is my only hope. and for me, given the 2x transfer failures, im scared, im really really scared this time. and in all honesty, i want so desperately a miracle from god. to fall pregant naturally. is that toooooooo much to ask? **sigh** i need to realize and accept those words my husband said to me in the drive back from the clinic before our IVF discussion and agreement. “there is no miracle from god, we will never be able to have a baby like normal people, it wont be natural”. It is not the will of God for that over our lives, everything was and is a struggle. i hoped and prayed so much, but that verse (Psalm 127) is not something i can hold on to. i read it to believe, GOD will give us a baby, not IVF, but it was a mistake, a fluke, it was a random bible page turning and my sheer desperation attributed it to a sign from god. It was not a sign; it was nothing. i need to WAKE UP! i need to be REALISTIC. do you even know a part of me is hoping that God sees what I am typing and says, I’m going to prove this one wrong, im going to give her a baby this month! she will conceive naturally as my miracle to her! There, ah-ha! boy o boy would i love for god to do that. but i do that every month. every single month when i wish god proves my negativity wrong, or the prophectic words spoken over my life comes to pass. alas. my first year of TTC and trusting in god’s timing is my reality check! a whole wasted year. trusting. and then problems a plenty.

my friend told me she watched a movie and the jist of it was that god presented a man with both his kids and said chose 1 to go to heaven/be saved; and highlighted both their sins and the man could not chose. so god says how then do you expect me to chose? this was when we question why that person and not me? well, yes i understand, but still doesnt help me feel like a reject bleh. and god is god, he can do ANYTHING! he can give me a baby just like he can give a lady who has had abortions in her teens, or a woman who doesnt really want a baby, or a crack-whore or a non-believer or any-bloody-person for that matter, so why not me? why forsake me? those words i utter every time i break down crying. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me

Did i even mention that i have name all my kids? all strong biblical names with significane to us/me/our faith? is it all just fake then? am i just a fraud?

BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

Sucker

Yes that’s me. I’m a sucker for punishment. Well it’s not deliberate, life is just such. 

My day on Friday started shit and I should have known it would go downhill. Why was it shit? 

Well first I get a text from the lady at our home prayer group who’s husband is the leader saying, hi how are u doing. The notification popped up on my screen. I left it unread deliberately..I knew where the convo would go.. 

So 2 hours after my meeting, I respond saying I am well and hope u guys are too. She then proceeds cautiously texting, how’s work and home. Again, my response all good. She further presses on to say she felt I was heavy hearted. Well first prize to bright spark her! Why do I say this? Well last year May month to be exact her and her husband as leaders in the church and of our prayer group asked us what we were trusting god for, to which i replied that we were praying for a baby and that I had ops to correct my womb but still nothing. This was now our 2nd year of trying and praying and trusting god. So we were pretty low at this point but no one else knew this. And thereafter during the prayer meeting they proceeded to ask the entire prayer group to pray for us as we were trying for a baby (zero confidentiality or discretion on their part!) and claimed that by next year this time we would be holding our baby. The irony in her messaging me a year later baby less and not even pregnant. Instead of saying yes, I am miserable because of my bloody infertility and failed everything! I said nah all good. The little persistent woman then says she dreamt about me and that the Holy Spirit wants to get back to touch with me but cannot. NB, I have never encountered the Holy Spirit, through all my desperate cries not an incling of feeling anything except alone and unheard, so “get back?” Hmmm confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know my god, I’ve just never experienced “that feeling”. It’s like studying for an exam, you know the answers because you have studied, but you never took the test. It’s a shit comparison but hey it’s all I can think of now. So my reply was: I don’t feel this way, and we are all good. Note how I falsely reiterate “we are all good” hoping maybe if other people believe it, we too would. Anyway, I further say we have a lot of stress work wise, the business we part own and personal, but we manage it well and dealing with it fine. Then she says that she asked god why is she dreaming of me and that my message about the stress affirms it that in her dream I was in a body of water alone and it was interpreted that I need to seek god to manage what I am going through. Then I was irritated. We have been model christians, involved in every aspect of the church to a draining point, where the fellowships that we were in I even felt had lost the plot and it was no longer about the cause but a status of being the church people, so we took a break. Not because of infertility and unanswered prayers, but because taking a more active role in church highlighted that these “leaders” arent always the best people and that there were lots of double standards. I did not want to be that person. I wanted to go to church and enjoy god. Not for status, but coz I wanted to be a Christian and carry on with my kind hearted acts, not for praise by everyone but because I would know I helped someone. Anyways lost in a tangent there. But since last year May and them revealing to the entire prayer group how desperately we were trying to have a baby, we stopped going. So after her last text I replied. I don’t really know why u dreamt that, lots of people dream things and it does not mean much, I pray daily and try to be a good person who does good things. In our past experiences we have learnt that we have had many disappointments but we have had to deal with it and move on, yes we still pray but we also need to help ourselves. She replied that she will ask god for a clearer picture. I said take care. Kissy face emoticon, end of texts. Full stop.

Then I think back to the night before where I literally woke to a sweat with some figure standing at my bedside “watching” me. May be imagination, maybe something real. Who knows. But it’s scary shit I know. I was flipping scared. This happened once before about 6 months ago, it was an old white bearded male from a completely different era, like the 1900’s or something smoking a pipe, but it was not scary just standing over the bed. Hubby saw and heard nothing, I woke kicking back in the bed and called out the name of Jesus. This figure I saw now was scary but I couldn’t utter anything, it was just a tall black and red figure. And then I get the text saying something heavy is holding me back from reaching the Holy Spirit. Geeez really?! I texted hubby to tell him about the texts and dream. He called back with his famous stance, ignore it and her, don’t overthink. Great, he tells me this.

Then another text from the Christian friend who told me in march how her pregnancy is gods answered prayer (yes she tells me this and I think, why not me too) but she was nice about it in an irritating way. But I guess anyone would feel that way, why are u more deserving or your prayers answered and not mine? You are younger, trying for less of a time, your marriage hasn’t been butchered. But I’m so glad your prayers were answered. I’m still waiting, thanks. Clearly I’m in a shit bitter mood today. Sorry. Anyway she texts to find out how I am, and my usual response is that work is so busy. It was a quick convo, I didn’t ask about her pregnancy, nada. Smiley face emoticon. End of convo.

My headache starts. I can’t take any meds besides paracetamol because “what if I’m with child” or that anything else is not good when ttc. But I had not paracetamol tabs, so I suffered the whole day.

In the evening we dine with hubbys family. So this is my question. If people know that you have had a laparoscopy and hysterscopy a year ago, the ops are because you want to conceive correct? And if a year and plus months later still no baby, then what the f%#<! Clearly there’s something going on so don’t flipping ask me to look at how cute and small a strangers baby is while we’re having dinner, because I then want to burst into tears or punch u in the head, you stupid dumb woman! Aaarrgggghh!! FML!!! The double whiskey didn’t even help. Yes scared to take any other meds except paracetamol but I’m knocking down a double whiskey at the “look at the cute baby comment”! Then we get home and my considerate husband speaks baby talk for what seemed like forever to the family’s kid over the phone. My headache reached a point of no return. FML. I hate going anywhere or seeing anyone. 

And I’m just so bloody emotional. 

To add further insult to injury I took a clearblue digital Saturday morning at 13dpo. I downloaded this fertility friend app, it’s actually much better than the ovia app, so it gave some stats about how 76.9% of positive pregnancy tests are reported before 13dpo. I had no implantation bleeding just cramps, but still had hope, oh did I mention this month I dreamt that I had implantation bleeding. Yeah it was quite vivid. But then again I’m always dreaming up these crazy dreams about us frolicking around with our gorgeous babies. Back to reality, period due in 3 days, so I thought maybe there’s hope. It’s the second month of femara and inofolic and maca powder daily. Just maybe. It’s hubbys birthday month, I have had all those “prophetic” words about May being a significant month, and then again about being fruitful before my next birthday and I wanted to see the friend who’s baby shower it is coming up and not hide away like an infertile coward, plus I had gained so much weight and my tummy felt pregnant coz it was bigger lol with the fat tyre band 😂 but mostly because I remember hubbys birthday the last 2 year and how I desperately wanted to surprise him. The first year we went for a spa treatment and my period was a day late, and I didn’t have any champagne, we were so excited. Came home, fooled around and my period comes just after that. Last year, it period pitched 2 days before his birthday, so this year I thought maybe just bloody maybe..


And there it was. Your whole being destroyed with one word “Not”. And then commences a tearful week ahead, fighting with god, angry, bitter, tired, resentful, empty, feeling pathetic and like a failure, then another round of 5 day meds, praying, pleading with god for any sign or answer or to talk to me or take away my pain, googling femara 5mg success after “x” number of rounds begins and then the vicious cycle of hope and failure continues.. it’s the story of my life for countless cycles…..

its about me

I woke this morning wanting to abscond from work. Like when you were in school and didnt want to go and rather bunked class and sat at the park the whole day? well today was that kind of day feeling. i wanted to (by myself – why? becasue i am for the first time ever actually enjoying my own time and my own company) go for breakfast; watch a movie, then have brunch with a delicious glass of chardonnay and enjoy the just me time.

Since sunday, my husband and i have not spoken. I cried brutally on Sunday night. he slept in the guest bedroom. Monday i worked very late so i sent him a text saying i would be home late, he did not reply, and got himself some take out. i ate, showered, removed his pillow from his side of the bed for him to take with to the guest bedroom and i slept. no crying or tears! at around 11pm, he came back to our bedroom. I left for work, no kiss goodbye and that was it. Tuesday night i sent a message saying I would be working late as my presentation was the next day and our team was finalizing the packs. this time he responded with “ok”. i got home, ate, showered slept. I left for the office earlier the next day (yesterday). I got a message saying “saying good luck with your presentation & a kiss emoticon” i replied saying thank you. I left the office at a normal time yesterday, he said he would be late. i cooked, showered and slept. then this morning, i really felt like i needed to ‘fool around’, it had been a week and i think with my presentation going well and all the stress of the weekend, i needed an outlet and i had zero wine at home last night. so this morning we did. and i left still not talking and i dont even feel bad about myself.

I was chatting to a friend and work and i told her that for the first time i dont feel heavy. not speaking to my husband and having to constantly try to please him to make up for my failure to give him a child is exhausting! to constantly worry about him and watch what i say incase i trigger some irritation in him (becasue all too well i can acknowledge how unhappy he is), but to not have to please him is such a weight off me. i dont have to watch my every action or word. I feel great. and i realized that i am his emotional punching bag, becasue all his anger about everything i get. and i dont want it. for once i am able to be selfish. and it feels so good.

i for once can say i really feel great!

but its a bad thing right? because not having to burden myself with trying to make-up to my husband constantly becasue of my infertility and not speaking to him is making me feel great! eeeekkkkk!

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

Called to rest..

Someone from church has passed after a long battle with illness. He was diagnosed just about after we started trying for kids. So about 2 years now. He was a wonderful man, always positive and fun, same goes for his wonderful wife. He is now dead. How cruel. Why let his family go through those tortureous 2 years of hope and failure. It’s so horrible. You see he was getting better, but he had all those treatments to have to go through. And now it was pointless. Why didn’t god just take him sooner, why let him carry on and fight hopelessly, why let his family see that pain and suffering and go through it too. How unfair is that.

My hear is so troubled by life. Peace be to his dear wonderful wife and kids xxx

Nightclub era

When were were younger we frequented nightclubs. It was fun and great. We haven’t for the past 3 years because we passed that stage and were in the middle of trying to be responsible parents to be and it reminded me of an era long past that we should have graduated from but were stuck in limbo. I didn’t enjoy being around all these 20 somethings because I was now that old person that I thought what the heck are they doing here, yes I was that what the heck person. But last night we ventured out to one of the city hotspots. It was gastly. I hated it. Hubby was old and oblivious and tipsy. It reminded me of how we should be home coddling our baby or toddler instead of drinking shots and trying to forget the pain which made pain more obvious. It was just as terrible as I imagined it to be. I’m not even fun company for hubby and we have no friends to go out nightclubbing with in any case. They all have kids except us.

I guess I’m just more annoyed because my period which was meant to start 2 days ago has not, perhaps because of the hysterscope I had end Feb. but still that now further delays our natural trying and leaves us back in the unknown cycle day. And also the 2nd cycle after fresh IVF was delayed by 41 days 😩. In December god decided to play that cruel trick on us and led us to believe that he blessed us naturally after the failed ivf with our Christmas miracle 😂. It was such a cruel trick on us. Worst Christmas ever. I say that every Christmas 🙈. Oh and adding to a shitty yesterday I was told that someone married for a year was pregnant. Great! Another one down. 

Me bloody 12 years down and old and baby less and still having shots at the nightclub dancing on my own prentending everything is great.

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!

My day today.

To those with child: I’m sorry for hating you. I’m sorry that I’m so mean and I have ill thoughts. I’m sorry for the monster that I am. I can’t help myself. I can’t help the jealousy and envy, you will find it hard to understand if I ever do tell because u did nothing wrong, you were blessed not me, and it consumes me. There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after my storm of tears, there’s just a miserable aging sod who is struggling to bring life. With all my horridness do I even deserve a baby?

To my husband: why do you not share my anger? Why are you not resentful? Why do you expect me to behave like I am not stuck in the pit of hell and just smile and wave?

To my husband: I’m sorry you met me. I have ruined your life. I’m a broken failure dragging you into the quicksand. I wish more for you, I wish blessings in abundance and there you are stuck with me.

To god: why have you forsaken me?

To me: each time you think it can’t get any worse it does.

To my baby: I would never want you to ever experience this witch of a person that I am right now.

After the 100th fight today husband texted me that he applied for a loan for funds to proceed at soonest with ivf, he can’t go on like this with me. He can’t live with me the way I am, he can’t love me or support me while I am the way I am. He is tired of trying and failing with me. I’m angry. We are not poor, but we don’t have the money for ivf just right now. I’m feeling more sore from the op today, because I’m feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t eat anything because I’m depressed. 

The irony of the verse for today. Where is rejoicing possible amidst all this pain? How to be patient let alone pray…