every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

i give up

Yesterday we went to the RE who we had the failed IVF & FET. But we sent through the report from the other RE’s office which did the second (and first hysterscope/lap) hysterscope. We did not have a follow up appointment with the clinic that did the  hyst, as the RE was ready for IVF and because we have all funds depleted..we have to wait. So this RE doesn’t even look at the report – he was still saying lets forget the past and the hyst/lap that cut womb and septum and and and, the only thing we can do now when all else fails is look at immunology. What is it in the blood that is preventing implantation? we need to do blood tests and travel to a specialist in another state. And I was almost as blunt as a knife that has peeled way too many pumpkins, I stopped him and said we did another hyst. Apart from the tissue at cervix, the uterus was normal – Look. See the pics. I asked about the low numbers – only 6 folllies and 6 eggs, why not higher stims? he gave me the quality over quantity answer and that higher number does not always result in more eggs fertilized and normal, so basically the % answer, then i asked why not day 5, because of the 6 only 3 developed, so then WTF? if 6/7 follies is ideal – quality over quantity, and only 60-70% grow, then WTF contradicts the statement of higher numbers then grown to day 5. Why do these people just BS you when you are so desperate and give them all your money and emotions and hopes!

We ask, could the tissue affected natural conception and IUI? he says not IUI because the catheter is long enough to reach the top of the uterus. Hubby explains, nope – the catheter the old fart retired RE used was short. We know too coz hubby took a catheter from the office, it was short, way too short. So we say we cant afford IVF, we have no choice but try naturally. Everything about my husband sitting next to me just irritated the shit out of me. We have been having on and off irritations with each other. So he sits next to me and smiles, probably to break the ice, but these days his smile annoys me, because its not a sincere i care about you smile, its a WTF here we go again smile. And i hate these RE visits. Its BS. Anyway as I tell the doctor we have to try naturally because we have no money, he looks at me and i look back and its that annoying smile. I say what? you dont want to try naturally? in front of the doctor. The doctor is shocked. I then look at the doctor and say straight faced, well shame, hes so fed up with me now he does not want to try anything. Hubby says no no, thats not it.

The RE gives me some DHEA & Q10 supplement for Egg Quality and Letrozole 5mg and for hubby, sperm supplements to help with count and morphology. His morphology was not as great as the previous year, but the nurse said stress affects it alot and he was under alot of stress during our IVF in October last year. Anyway, i did not want to take a chance, so pro-active we were with our expensive meds. I already bought some over the counter folic acid powder that also assists with tendency for PCOS which i have. I also got an off the shelf sperm supplement which the RE says is not really proven, but take it anyway.

We leave and I dont want to speak, yet he talks about how these people tell you stuff and BS you and and and, AND i dont want to hear. I hate these no positive ending visits to fertility clinics. Why are you telling me the obvious and speaking. Shut the F up!!!! His family have a gathering coming up and the dreaded “me a failure unable to produce a baby because i waited to have a career innuendos” will arise. And i really dont want to see this baby, but he is very involved in this and excited. So commuting back to the office he says he cant deal with all this stress. Does he want to book me into a hotel nearby work and tell everyone I could not make it as I had to fly out for work as some of the family with baby are staying with us, and it is gutting me having to deal with that. I ignore him. I send him a message saying i am excited to see everyone, i just hate the pressure his family puts on me. He does not reply but we see each other after work and seem to be ok thereafter. As i am preping a big dinner (last night for tonight) for the family arriving and he perhaps is forced to be nice, because i am doing all this effort work.

I ask him about the 1 supplement. He says yes, i will take it, an hour later i ask, he says its fine i will take it, but WTF, this is important, take the f%$&ing thing! You concern yourself with everything else about everyone else, this being so important to me, you cant just humour – i dont give a F*&% that the RE says its not proven, take it!!!? I was so furious. I went to bed with these awful spasms that I have been having since 2 days ago, its stress. definitely stress. He does not even bother to message my neck, he f&#$ing “sleeps”. I warm one of those heated bags and it does not help. Like an idiot I have to beg him and say please can you message my neck and he futilely does. I just start crying, and he says do you need to go to the hospital or doctor?  i said its stress. He stops rubbing, lies back down. I wipe my eyes and get to bed. He is sleeping, i ask if he got the something that he was meant to (if not I would got it in the morning), he wakes up annoyed, gets the thing, goes to the TV room and watches TV at 1am. I left this morning irritated, I sent him a message about something, he didnt even reply.

Is this how a marriage ends? Thanks God! Much appreciated.

 

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!

when god speaks

im scared about tomorrow. its silly really, but i get scared each time. I was so troubled last night, unable to sleep, just worrying and with a terrible migraine. all the stress about my egg chromosomal issues.

And then today, my 2 great friends from my previous company who I have a whatsapp group with send me a message that we need to start a prayer group and to pray for me and the verse for today is 1 Samuel vs 1-28, which centers around Hannah’s struggle to conceive and she prays to god and he gives her a son, Samuel. How strange that i get this today, when i am so troubled, pending my op tomorrow, which they dont know about. Thats the Lord. If ever in doubt, thats him speaking, never to me, but through someone or something else to me. To say my cries are heard. Its profound. As i type this the negativity in me a.k.a. that pestering devil, says yeah you will read this back next year unpregnant, but screw you satan, i wont entertain that, i will be pregnant and have my children, that I declare in jesus name!

yesterday i was so angry with god, and today he tells me to have faith and believe. Last night, I could not remember the verse, I suck at remembering scriptures. but now i googled it as through my unsettling sleep, thats all i could thing of. Psalm 127.3  Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. I will wait and stand on his word and promise… Amen.

Wasted years

As hubby nostalgically played YouTube videos of songs from way back, when we were young and all “this” was not, he reminisced about what specifically the song reminded him of..commuting to see me somewhere and the song playing..whilst all it did for me listening to it now was depress me, reminding me how old I was, old and childless. Wasted years of nothing to show. 

It’s a month since the failed FET. Maybe that’s riling me all up. I cried. I’ve been good. But today I caved. My op is the day after and I was googling. And that depresses me even more. 

I’m unfixable. All my tests perfect. Except for that darn septum in my uterus which they removed and still no pregnancy. I should have at least been able to have some implantation? Other people with complete septums still have a pregnancy either to deliver a pre-term baby or miscarriage, but yet they are able to fall pregnant. I will never take away the magnitude of a miscarriage because by all means the day I were to find out I was pregnant would be the happiest of my life and if it were to prematurely be taken away from me, I don’t even know how I would deal. But now, today, this time in my life, 3 years of never knowing what being pregnant would be feels like the most worthless thing a woman could ever feel like. Not being able to even fall pregnant. I have never felt more useless and pathetic and incapable and worthless and and and… so what would the 2nd op do? If the first op they took out so much of the septum that my lining looked great, was there still much left and scar tissue that prevented implantation of fertilized embryos? With intralipids and g-csf and meds to increase blood supply to my uterus.. so much to make the uterus great, yet they didn’t stick. What if they find a clean lush uterus? Then it’s my eggs. Eggs with chromosomal issues. Will I then never have a baby??

I just want to die! I thought about it today. That on the operating table I will have faulty anesthesia and just die. I could not go on living like this. I can’t live childless just him and I…