Judgemental.

Way too much 💩 has gone down, and when I say way too much. I really mean way to much. Now that I’ve repeated myself, let me start somewhere. 

It’s starts here: confrontations. 

i dont know if i am a confrontational person or not. i dont think i am, but sometimes when u have had enough, u just have. but what if u know u are not wrong in ur assessment and therefore are valid in your arguement about what it is that it is, but somehow the person in the wrong just makes u out to seem like u are the crazy one for even making the assessment??? i know i know im talking in riddles here. but should u just keep quiet and let it fester? So my hubby thinks I should have not been confrontational, there was no need to voice my irritations. And my direct voicing of my irritations lead to an uncomfortable situation for him. So he refuses to speak to me. Yes, I know, what bloody weird a husband I have that almost never takes my part! This part burns the most. I said I can’t take his emotional abuse anymore, the slightest wrong thing I say or do (e.g. Playing a YouTube song he does not like but that I do and he had to repeat himself 2 times for me to change it and I didn’t so he decided to sulk and go to bed and get irritated with me) he screams at or ignores me. When I type it out, and think about it, this man is a terrible person to treat me so bad. And I’m quite the sucker upper as you would have read in previous fight posts, I always apologize and write notes etc. but what got to me was after I shouted and screamed and said how can u get so angry with me all the time at the smallest things and just completely ignore already insecure-hormones-pumped me for days on end, do u know how u are killing me every day??? I’m in a depressive state and we have no money for me to even see a professional! So he says he is also suffering from so much stress and depression. But yet other people: friends and family walk all over u and it’s fine. U accept and I bear the brunt of all your stresses. He says: “well you’re my wife, you can handle it, that’s what u are there for” what an epitome of just plain evil to say that to another human being! Ur own personal punching bag. His dad was abusive physically to his mom, and here’s me dealing with the emotional abuser. Yet still, I wrote a note, a pathetic one about please choose me blah blah blah. Love me. Hug me. Forget being so angry and let us comfort each other coz I am the only one that truly loves u and has ur back. I left for the office with the note in his drawer. Came home, he got his own take out and went to the guest bedroom. Great. Even more great, I will be ovulating in 2 days. We have had no sex. I’m on CD11 today, and this man is ignoring me. 😐. I cannot begin to explain the absolute desperation to want to make peace so that you can have sex so that its not a wasted month, and he knows this and has the trump card (irony word useage on trumps Birthday 😉) and is punishing me. It’s a desperate sad state of affairs to be so absolutely desperate. Desperate. I am typing this and I can’t believe what this has reduced me to. I am a successful educated woman and I am reduced to being so desperate to have sex with my husband so that what if round 4 femara may work. How desperate even typing it.. but it’s true. And how can he put me through this?

So what do u do? I went to church, I avoided church group mid week meetings as during one meeting in may last year the the leaders declared our struggle and desire to have a baby to the entire group. Not cool. Anyway I went today. I don’t know if I expected some miracle coming home, there was nothing of course, hence me sitting in my bed alone typing this crying..,bleh. But of note was a beautiful song that I love with all my heart which we sang. It was wonderful.

Then there were people, new people in the group. But they were old and I was new coz I haven’t been in a year. The last time I went the leaders prayed that I would be carrying my baby next year this time! That was last year May 😐 anyway these new people. So my title says judgemental. I cannot suffer fools. Very rarely do I find that someone is on the same intellectual and style level as me. I know I’m so vain and mean, that’s why I’m not blessed with a baby 😭 but I am who I am and this is anonymous and honest. But the reason I find these people ridiculous is because they try too hard, but it just come across as fake and trying to hard? You are either intelligent and naturally classy and stylish, money or not. Style and class can come from zero money! But yes, i boxified all the newbies. None of them would warrant conversations where I would any way find them worthy to engage. Too much make up and overdone outfits and stupid word usage. No. I left straight after the service. Got home to my empty bed.

And honestly I didn’t go to church for a miracle. My soul is just tired and I was hoping for some peace. I didn’t get it though, actually made me feel kinda more empty, but again I guess I just wanted something other than just praying for a thousand other ways to die without me doing it myself of course coz apart from being desperate, I am a whuss. I’m scared of hell first and foremost. And then I’m scared to OD or slit my wrists and it doesn’t work 😱 or it does and I’m the coward that killed herself when life is a gift from god and there’s so many people that have families and kids and die. I rather a natural car accident smashed by a trucker or a freak armed robbery at the store or I don’t know something that doesn’t involve drama! Bleh.

Story of my infertile life. Bleh.

Called to rest..

Someone from church has passed after a long battle with illness. He was diagnosed just about after we started trying for kids. So about 2 years now. He was a wonderful man, always positive and fun, same goes for his wonderful wife. He is now dead. How cruel. Why let his family go through those tortureous 2 years of hope and failure. It’s so horrible. You see he was getting better, but he had all those treatments to have to go through. And now it was pointless. Why didn’t god just take him sooner, why let him carry on and fight hopelessly, why let his family see that pain and suffering and go through it too. How unfair is that.

My hear is so troubled by life. Peace be to his dear wonderful wife and kids xxx