when will the hiding end

when can i be a normal human being and not a hermit? when will i stop hiding? i decline birthday partys, weddings, baby showers, baby partys, basically i any event. i had to go to the shops alone. and i was scared, what if i see a pregnant person i know or a church member i know who knows i am trying and still not pregnant (we have backslidden from church)? what if they bring up the topic? we should just starve..nevermind the shops and food. And it then it dawned on me. In the next few months, theres more church people from the leadership i was in, thats going to have baby showers. one of which is my close friend? surely i cannot plan that? or assist with the planning? omg. what the heck. how do i escape that? forget the planning, i mean actual attendance. breath…. breath…

I hate this situation that we are in. constantly hiding, making excuses, avoiding, pretending. i cant. im so fed up!

every one has their own crap to deal with.

sometimes i speak and i dont know how significant what i am saying really is, and i think wow, thats deep. i make so much sense. yes, then there are times when i talk absolute rubbish too.

today was spent chatting to a friend of mine, a really good friend from work who has been there for me through my breakdowns every month at the start of my period, after a failed iui or IVF or FET or op or just a bad day. she was there, when i had no-one.

how the conversation happened was that she is going through so much and finally caved and told me. i will explain why i say she caved. remember i am straight forward and see black and white no grey. she did not want to tell me because I would be angry with her. she said she cant understand why what is happening in her life is actually happening.

she is a divorcee with older kids, she is older than me. her ex and her were high school sweethearts, they married young and had kids. he never gave her any attention, he did not care – no emotion what so ever, then he starting openly cheating on her. he was an alcoholic and she a leader in church. she left him and met mr A (A is for a-hole). mr A is younger than her and gives her so much attention and makes her feel so special but to a point of obsession. the opposite of her ex. mr A is also an alcoholic but subsequent “church going christian”, he does not have a stable full time job, he lives off family money. he looks like a shady character who thinks too much of himself hes an unattractive buttface in my opinion, my friend is the most lady-like classy woman around, really she is. they dont live in the same area so when she sees him, she becomes someone else, a “worldy” person, and by her own admittance, distant to god, because the relationship with this man is lustful; they party and she lets loose with the man whos is a smoker and a drinker etc. i know its sounds odd because i say she is godly, but all is lost when mr A is around. I have not met mr A, because i spoke to him over the phone once and he was borderline inapproriate forcefully wanting to know my name, when i answered the ringer in my friends office as she did not want to speak to him, i mean i said i was one of the juniors in her office answering the ringer, why ask my name? anyway, she tells me how possessive he is, she is only allowed to dress a certain way, he keeps her mobile and filters who and what convos she has and with whom. which upset me as i texted her when i was having my infertility low with the start of my period as i did not know he was with her during that time and apparently he read it, but anyway.

i could see she was so troubled and today she opened up. a few weeks ago i told her this relationship is not healthy. i get that she felt rejected in her marriage and this attention and his jealousy makes her feel loved..but its borderline obession and i am so afraid that if he can swear at her and make her so scared while he doesnt even live close by, imagine if he were to move closer?? what then, he would be abusive because he has such a terrible temper. and today she said that she cant keep it in anymore. he hit her. she cried and told me, she showed me the purple blue marks on her white skin, i was horrified! and in true sociopath fashion, he denied touching her, she stayed with him and he saw the marks but he denied it. i calmly told her this is not normal. i saw the fear combined with “love” and forgiveness and justification that he was just so possessive over her seep through her words and face.

i told her that the only thing she can do is pray and be strong enough to let go. he is a drug and threatens her if she ever leaves him but she needs to pray. everyday. i prayed for her, for peace and clarity and cancelled every work of the enemy and spirits of possession over her life and annointed her with oil that i keep in my bag. i was shocked at the power of my prayer and my emotion as i prayed. i am not a confident praying person, i get too emotional and i cry. this time i did not mind crying.where was this prayer and words of seeking god coming from? i mean look at my own life, how dare i speak hope and faith to someone else when i am battling my own demons and then i explained.

i explained how during the IVF, my husband and i were so broken and i felt so alone and so uninlove. if we were blessed with a baby then i would still carry the anger and bitterness towards him for choosing everyone else’s feelings over mine and being so alone.  and even in my head i planned on that if i fell pregnant naturally i would keep it from him as punishment and i would tell my child all the pain i suffered alone. i was a bitter resentful woman. and through that time, she was the one who hugged me, comforted me, prayed over me and was there for me. she did not know how bad things were on the home front, she just saw my pain everyday and held me when i needed some reassurance. she was my pillar of strength, but she never knew that until today. and i told her that only now, only of just recent has my marriage been bliss. I am in love. and i explained that as much as i hate what we went through, we went through it for my husband to know me, the real me and all my hurts and insecurities which he never did because i was always so strong and nothing could deter me, and then this. it broke me and us, and we made it, i look at him with love, such absolute love, not because i feel lucky that he is still with me through all my issues, but that he saw the real me, the ugly me, the insecure me, the stronger fighter me and i survived, we survived. i dont know when we will have a baby, how many more procedures and ops and and and.. but we will have a baby in the midst of us loving each other. i could not even believe the absolute sureity and faith i had in those words as i spoke them because i believed what i said wholeheartedly. yes, next weak in a low point i may be angry and feel hopeless, but now today here at that moment, i believed and was and am resolute.

then i explained how i see her situation. god gave her a husband who didnt care at all. she wanted to feel protective and jealous over and loved and she got mr A who was extreme. so when god sends her the right man, he will be a cup full of perfect. exactly proportioned. that is why we go through shit. so we know. we overcome. we deal and we learn and we enjoy the fruits of our perseverance and labouring on.

why does she need a man. its complicated. she has had a hard life. financially and so forth. and i guess every woman wants to be loved…

36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

conversations..

So you know the christian friend of mine who is pregnant, well, she has been on my mind for a while. I kept wanting to reach out, i missed her, i missed talking about “our” infertility struggle, i missed her encouraging me and her honesty about how shitty going through this can be and still trying to stay faithful and strong and wrapping your head around god’s plan for us going through it.

And yet i didnt reach out, because she was in a happy phase now, they had come out of their valley. They continued and pressed on in their ministries at church. We didnt, we stopped. For many reasons. And yes, i will be first to admit that it is far too hard to be involved in church ministries when you heart is aching so badly and you get no comfort or joy, not a single sign from god, nothing, nada. I know you are supposed to press on and pray and and and…but imagine seeing all these people, now good, but previously were’nt the ideal christians even whilst in church circles (heck, neither were us, but we tried, and we never got actively involved as leaders until we eased up on partying etc.), but who are now involved in ministries and happily preganant. There are too many pregnant people in the ministries we were involved in, so I just could not, I’m sorry, i could not, especially that these leaders were not the nicest people. I am straight forward, but im not mean. anyway, lost in a tangent. Yes, so they pressed on and were prophecized over and it came to pass, they are pregnant. So I dont even know if im jealous, I dont think i am, but I am asking the question why not me, like with the friend that IVF’d 2 days after me, i was happy for her, but again, why not me.

Anyway, i called my friend, because i wanted to say that i was sorry, sorry that i couldnt bring myself to wish her a happy mothers day, sorry that i wasnt checking if she was ok and how she was feeling, if she wanted to eat something special or how her belly looked and if she gained weight and what sex was the baby and how did it feel seeing the baby’s heartbeat and scans…god how i wish i could have those feelings, and that in itself prevented me from asking her. i was such a bad friend, because i can only imagine how excited i would be if i were her and want to share every little feeling with my friends and i just felt like such an ugly human being, what an awful person to not be there for my friend, and so selfish that i only concerned myself with my pain that i could not ask her basic questions for fear of hurting my own shitty feelings. man o man. I expected her to answer the phone in a cold manner because i wasnt around, but it was the warmest voice, instantly i wanted to cry, my heart was so softened by this sincere voice. she was not angry that i was distant, she was too good a person for that, so she deserved to be pregnant. We chatted, i told her i missed her, and I wish we could exchange baby talk, but i cant relate and that I am not jealous, i just dont know how to react or behave anymore coz im still in my rut of infertility and the unknown. I felt good speaking to her, i still question why not me, but im glad she got her rainbow…

on another note, has anyone heard of cassava for fertility? or twins? yeah i know, im struggling to get pregnant with one, im querying 2 hahhahahha! im a mental case, but heck, i would try anything. Anyways, i got the vegetable, boiled it and ate it.


my husband is now a year older and not a dad. He told me its so weird when your friends call you to wish you and their kids wish u too. But it was sad as he said it.

another lady at work is TTC her second kid. She is soooo frustrated that its been 7 months and no baby, but she looks pregnant to me, she says she will test, she knows ive been trying so she says she cannot begin to fathom my frustration at 3 years and theres her 7 months. but life is such.

And then otherwise, I don’t think I’m that stressed. In feb in desperately wanted to be pregnant after my op and before we had the family vacay so we could announce our news. Fail. March came, hubby and I were miserable and fighting. Fail. April we still just fought early on as a follow through from the previous month and I desperately wanted to be pregnant as per my “prophecies” about May month, I wanted to go to the baby shower pregnant at least even if only by 4 weeks, and birthday prezzie surprise for hubby (yes I even planned on ordering a “dad’s little kid” or something to that effect romper, coz I was so sure, second month femara and and. And. Fail. This month, well it’s still May! Whooo hooo, still prophecy month, but other than that nada to pressurize the need to be pregnant except for my own desire. I already know hope would be futile. So I’m plodding along and expecting another failed month…

 

Happy not-a-mother’s day

We decided to go for breakfast today. The restaurant manager proceeds to hand me a Mother’s Day gift. I promptly replied “No no, I’m not a mother”. He proceeded to tell me, it was a gift, give it to your mom or friend or anybody or just keep it for you being you. He left the table and my husband says..but babe you are a mom… I held my face in my hand and teared. It was a soft teary cry and I quickly got my tissues out my bag and wiped my face but it was that uncontrollable sad tears that slipped through. My husband held my hand and said he loves me and who knows next year this time things may be different, we will be running around changing diapers and and and…, I said we say thy every year. Anyway he says I am a mother because of our little fur baby, but since trying to have a human baby. I felt quite pathetic every time I called myself a mom. I’m in no way taking away anything from fur baby mommas, because I am one, but it doesn’t feel the same when you desperately want a little 1/2 you 1/2 hubby.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are mothers. You are so blessed!!! 

To those who are not, my heart, my prayers and my hugs go out to you on this day xxx

Yesterday 

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if they’re here to stay..

Yesterday I “came out” to my family. My mother and sister. I cried. It was a helpless sad cry. I find myself wanting to just cry as I type this. I explained the prodding and poking and ops and drips and procedures and how invasive and some painful and it made me cry for my own self for what I had gone through. But it was out there, my infertility struggle and pain. My little nephew was around, and he’s old enough to sort of know and understand, and I felt weak because to everyone I am this strong one and yet this has broken me into a million insecure little pieces of nothingness,  and to my nephew I was his aunt who knew everything and could make everything right and I was always the ok one, and there I was crying like a helpless little girl who couldn’t get the one thing she wanted so desperately. 

My husband always defends his insensitive family by saying they don’t know the extent of how much we are trying. I woke at 5am to the murmurings of a baby. It was my husband and our dog..snoring 😄. I don’t really speak much of my dog, but he IS my baby boy, my love my everything. For anonymity I won’t disclose much of him, as all would know, but he is my one and only little angel pie. I ❤️ him with so much absolute love beyond any measure. Maybe I will post a blog about him, but for now he is my private of private little loves who I don’t want to share of. So anyway, while awake, I began to pray. Pray hard to soften my heart to the insensitivity of my husband’s family. I realized that i will always be spoken to as an outsider and with disregard, it’s just how it is. It’s in the tone of ones voice, instantly easy to pick up! It’s cold and distant when they speak to me versus anyone else. So I prayed for that. When I awoke I told my husband that I was awake and I was praying and that if he wanted to tell them he should, but that they already know and they are passing these comments either to actually get a reaction or me come out and I have resolved it. It upset him because he said well if I have already resolved that they know and are just insensitive then what’s the point. But I have left the ball in his court. He must do as he pleases.

Oh and my husband asked me about when my period is due as ovulation was 2 weeks ago, I of course did not tell him I tested alone and it was a negative, instead I stated I know my period is on it’s way and low and behold after much googling for hope of any means, I have the start of my day 1 light period today! 

Another month bites the dust…

Sucker

Yes that’s me. I’m a sucker for punishment. Well it’s not deliberate, life is just such. 

My day on Friday started shit and I should have known it would go downhill. Why was it shit? 

Well first I get a text from the lady at our home prayer group who’s husband is the leader saying, hi how are u doing. The notification popped up on my screen. I left it unread deliberately..I knew where the convo would go.. 

So 2 hours after my meeting, I respond saying I am well and hope u guys are too. She then proceeds cautiously texting, how’s work and home. Again, my response all good. She further presses on to say she felt I was heavy hearted. Well first prize to bright spark her! Why do I say this? Well last year May month to be exact her and her husband as leaders in the church and of our prayer group asked us what we were trusting god for, to which i replied that we were praying for a baby and that I had ops to correct my womb but still nothing. This was now our 2nd year of trying and praying and trusting god. So we were pretty low at this point but no one else knew this. And thereafter during the prayer meeting they proceeded to ask the entire prayer group to pray for us as we were trying for a baby (zero confidentiality or discretion on their part!) and claimed that by next year this time we would be holding our baby. The irony in her messaging me a year later baby less and not even pregnant. Instead of saying yes, I am miserable because of my bloody infertility and failed everything! I said nah all good. The little persistent woman then says she dreamt about me and that the Holy Spirit wants to get back to touch with me but cannot. NB, I have never encountered the Holy Spirit, through all my desperate cries not an incling of feeling anything except alone and unheard, so “get back?” Hmmm confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know my god, I’ve just never experienced “that feeling”. It’s like studying for an exam, you know the answers because you have studied, but you never took the test. It’s a shit comparison but hey it’s all I can think of now. So my reply was: I don’t feel this way, and we are all good. Note how I falsely reiterate “we are all good” hoping maybe if other people believe it, we too would. Anyway, I further say we have a lot of stress work wise, the business we part own and personal, but we manage it well and dealing with it fine. Then she says that she asked god why is she dreaming of me and that my message about the stress affirms it that in her dream I was in a body of water alone and it was interpreted that I need to seek god to manage what I am going through. Then I was irritated. We have been model christians, involved in every aspect of the church to a draining point, where the fellowships that we were in I even felt had lost the plot and it was no longer about the cause but a status of being the church people, so we took a break. Not because of infertility and unanswered prayers, but because taking a more active role in church highlighted that these “leaders” arent always the best people and that there were lots of double standards. I did not want to be that person. I wanted to go to church and enjoy god. Not for status, but coz I wanted to be a Christian and carry on with my kind hearted acts, not for praise by everyone but because I would know I helped someone. Anyways lost in a tangent there. But since last year May and them revealing to the entire prayer group how desperately we were trying to have a baby, we stopped going. So after her last text I replied. I don’t really know why u dreamt that, lots of people dream things and it does not mean much, I pray daily and try to be a good person who does good things. In our past experiences we have learnt that we have had many disappointments but we have had to deal with it and move on, yes we still pray but we also need to help ourselves. She replied that she will ask god for a clearer picture. I said take care. Kissy face emoticon, end of texts. Full stop.

Then I think back to the night before where I literally woke to a sweat with some figure standing at my bedside “watching” me. May be imagination, maybe something real. Who knows. But it’s scary shit I know. I was flipping scared. This happened once before about 6 months ago, it was an old white bearded male from a completely different era, like the 1900’s or something smoking a pipe, but it was not scary just standing over the bed. Hubby saw and heard nothing, I woke kicking back in the bed and called out the name of Jesus. This figure I saw now was scary but I couldn’t utter anything, it was just a tall black and red figure. And then I get the text saying something heavy is holding me back from reaching the Holy Spirit. Geeez really?! I texted hubby to tell him about the texts and dream. He called back with his famous stance, ignore it and her, don’t overthink. Great, he tells me this.

Then another text from the Christian friend who told me in march how her pregnancy is gods answered prayer (yes she tells me this and I think, why not me too) but she was nice about it in an irritating way. But I guess anyone would feel that way, why are u more deserving or your prayers answered and not mine? You are younger, trying for less of a time, your marriage hasn’t been butchered. But I’m so glad your prayers were answered. I’m still waiting, thanks. Clearly I’m in a shit bitter mood today. Sorry. Anyway she texts to find out how I am, and my usual response is that work is so busy. It was a quick convo, I didn’t ask about her pregnancy, nada. Smiley face emoticon. End of convo.

My headache starts. I can’t take any meds besides paracetamol because “what if I’m with child” or that anything else is not good when ttc. But I had not paracetamol tabs, so I suffered the whole day.

In the evening we dine with hubbys family. So this is my question. If people know that you have had a laparoscopy and hysterscopy a year ago, the ops are because you want to conceive correct? And if a year and plus months later still no baby, then what the f%#<! Clearly there’s something going on so don’t flipping ask me to look at how cute and small a strangers baby is while we’re having dinner, because I then want to burst into tears or punch u in the head, you stupid dumb woman! Aaarrgggghh!! FML!!! The double whiskey didn’t even help. Yes scared to take any other meds except paracetamol but I’m knocking down a double whiskey at the “look at the cute baby comment”! Then we get home and my considerate husband speaks baby talk for what seemed like forever to the family’s kid over the phone. My headache reached a point of no return. FML. I hate going anywhere or seeing anyone. 

And I’m just so bloody emotional. 

To add further insult to injury I took a clearblue digital Saturday morning at 13dpo. I downloaded this fertility friend app, it’s actually much better than the ovia app, so it gave some stats about how 76.9% of positive pregnancy tests are reported before 13dpo. I had no implantation bleeding just cramps, but still had hope, oh did I mention this month I dreamt that I had implantation bleeding. Yeah it was quite vivid. But then again I’m always dreaming up these crazy dreams about us frolicking around with our gorgeous babies. Back to reality, period due in 3 days, so I thought maybe there’s hope. It’s the second month of femara and inofolic and maca powder daily. Just maybe. It’s hubbys birthday month, I have had all those “prophetic” words about May being a significant month, and then again about being fruitful before my next birthday and I wanted to see the friend who’s baby shower it is coming up and not hide away like an infertile coward, plus I had gained so much weight and my tummy felt pregnant coz it was bigger lol with the fat tyre band 😂 but mostly because I remember hubbys birthday the last 2 year and how I desperately wanted to surprise him. The first year we went for a spa treatment and my period was a day late, and I didn’t have any champagne, we were so excited. Came home, fooled around and my period comes just after that. Last year, it period pitched 2 days before his birthday, so this year I thought maybe just bloody maybe..


And there it was. Your whole being destroyed with one word “Not”. And then commences a tearful week ahead, fighting with god, angry, bitter, tired, resentful, empty, feeling pathetic and like a failure, then another round of 5 day meds, praying, pleading with god for any sign or answer or to talk to me or take away my pain, googling femara 5mg success after “x” number of rounds begins and then the vicious cycle of hope and failure continues.. it’s the story of my life for countless cycles…..

Hollow feeling in chest

Today I decided to either torture myself or give myself hope by watching YouTube videos femara related and live pregnancy announcements. In the one video the lady takes a cheapie and for the life of me I can’t see the line and then she takes a clearblue digital and it thinks forever and she talks and talks and talks…all rubbish talk though, then it pops up 1-2 weeks pregnant, and instantly I get that hollow feeling in my chest, that same feeling each time I take a pregnancy test and its negative. It’s an inexplicable feeling u get when u pray so hard and hope so much and it all comes crashing down with a stark 1 line or after much flashing thinking thingy on the digital a big “not pregnant” and u wish the “not” was not there. Positive pregnancy tests must be so surreal. I’m going to take one all the time when I do fall pregnant just to feel that glee!! Heeeheee, it’s so silly I know, but hey why not indulge right😊 oh god I wish that day would come!

On another note. My previous skinny body is gone! My pants don’t fit, my tummy’s got these rolls of fat tyre bands around them and I have just let myself go. Even through the ivf and FET I didn’t even get as fat as I am now. I’m 56kgs – that was 2 weeks ago, now I’m probably 58kgs, and I’m short. Look I don’t look like a blob, but I don’t exactly feel confident anymore, I can see the fat and cellulite and I don’t like it. Before ttc I was just barely 51kgs. Then month after month I postpone my high protein zero carb zero dairy zero sugar coffee diet because I keep saying what if this is the month that I get pregnant and dieting is not the best idea and to my detriment my hips ain’t lying, they just keep expanding. So I really don’t want to lose confidence in my appearance (at least I have some shred left in that department) and I need to bloody get fit. Next month. Time to shape up my fat ass 🤣

its been a long time

i didnt know what to title this, except, its been a long time. since i wrote anything, or did much really.

i have been consumed with work and the tail ends of the project, putting the reporting together etc.

after the last big fight with hubby, he said, go out, visit your family, dont sit in bed and be miserable. so i did just that. i visited my family and it was good. i wanted to tell them whats really going on with me, but i couldnt. i didnt want to break down like that, it showed weakness and i just couldnt, so the elephant in the room ie. my misery at not yet being a mother was there, just not engaged at. see they know, they just dont ask.

in the last fight with hubby i said some pretty hurtful things, but he needed to know how hurt i was and how i have been wronged and he just kept quiet. maybe he knew i was right. since then we exist. we will never be the same, but its better than were we are. we are stuck. with each other being so unhappy becasue of infertility and with our situation.

in my spare time i google everything. i google for hope. i cannot find a single person with the same diagnostic situation as me. its so frustrating. and i read about people that have the most complicated uteruss’, abnormal tests all round, male issues and the list goes on. heres me, subsequently fixed. a perfectly normal looking uterus (according to my last op), open tubes, no thyroid, AMH, FSH or insulin issues, great CM that doesnt kill sperm, great uterine lining; yes, before the septum uterus, i had PCOS tendacy, but the femara was fixing that, and hubby has great sperm. so what now? immunological issues. i keep asking why why why? what next, what more?

i was invited for a baby shower. for the friend that did the IVF 2 days apart from mine. and hers worked. a whatsapp group was created. i told my husband, and for the first time ever he actually was sensitive to it, and said, say we’re away that day. i thought that was considerate…considering how unsupportive he was in the past concerning, baby related events and our attendance. i replied i would let the organizer know and exited.

shit. life is shitty. i hate that i cant face the world it freakin’ sucks.

oh and i went to church. the day after i got asmiley face opk. maybe it was a desperate attempt to apease god so that i would get my positive pregnancy!!! hahahha really who knows, but it was nice going to church. I met so many people i hadnt seen for so long, and they were so happy to see me, i felt so loved. as they hugged me, i felt loved. it wasnt pity hugs, it was “i missed you my friend” kinda hugs. i felt loved. oh and just great, they had to have baby dedications on that day. hahhahahha just our luck! it wasnt all bad. i didnt want to go to church, because a few people knew i was desperately trying and not coping and i felt embarrased for sharing after the fact, so i didnt want to see these people at church, but life happens, i have made too many mistakes.

ooh and then i contacted a fertility astrologer. yes. i did. a blog i followed emailed me saying google her, so i did. I typed a whole long email, with my actual name etc. so no anonimity and told her all the details and said i dont know where this fits in with christianity. her response was perfect. and i was resolved. all along i thought IVF was unchristian, yet so many people do it. pastors, evangelists, you name it. and its their miracle. the 3 wise men were astrologers. after googling much, theres different takes on everything, so much so as one agrees to say yay or nay based on their own situation. honestly thats what it is. a girl with christian parents who takes their daughter for an abortion and still goes to church and speaks in tongues…what then. I am not comparing astrology to abortion by any means, but you know that girl? that had the abortion? well i know her. and she has beautiful kids now, and is a powerful woman of god. people do shit. if i in any way thought that i was going against god, i would not have contacted the atrologer. anyway the outcome of that was that i need to wait to save money and get my hubby into the right frame to agree with a consult.

i am desperately waiting for the implantation bleeding, so that i can meet friends again who are pregnant and go to the bloody baby shower and overall be happy lol.

but hey, life is such and you just dont know.

 

Passing time

I read an article the other day about the ideal age to have a baby. 34-35 it seems is the ideal age. It made me feel great. For that moment. I shouldn’t feel that bad. I’m at the ideal age. Another cousin turned 30 the other day. She was always seemingly much younger than us. And she’s not married no kids no boyfriend even. Hubby and I both said the same thing, she’s only 5 years younger than us? No boyfriend even yet? We don’t look that bad then. Strange that we always look for affirmation by comparison for our current situation. It’s human nature. Then 2 days ago I saw (after about a month) a lady who used to work in our department but moved to another one. She had lost so much weight. I said wow u really did lose a lot of weight. She said not by choice. She’s sick. I knew it was cancer. I hate cancer. I have not witnessed cancer on such a personal level but I know of people sort of close that did not make it. And I saw how it gaunted their bodies. And she looked like this. I hugged her and teared as I said you’re going to be ok. I’m going to pray for u. She was not the nicest of people. She spoke down to people. She was arrogant. But she did not deserve to be sick. I don’t know her yet I say she did not deserve it, and I see other really bad people and think why do they just have it all. Maybe she is bad that’s why she’s sick. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learnt. Maybe like how I have this infertility, maybe I deserve it or maybe there’s a lesson to be learnt. Too many maybes. Then her story interested me and I asked around the office of my close friends who knew her longer than me and they said she was engaged to be married and he cheated on her. She left him. Struggled to get the house they bought together on her name, had to take on 2 extra jobs to pay for the debt. She was 35, living with roommates, no boyfriend or husband or kids. How sad. Then I felt convicted that evening. How lucky I was. It could be worse. 

On these parenting forums I read of 2 latest pregnancies. The one had a failed ivf with me, then her failed FET was in feb, mine was January. And she fell pregnant naturally in march! I was happy for her. Sad my story never ended like that but happy. It was a miracle. Yes I don’t believe in miracles for me, but for others most certainly. I never commented and I stopped notifications for that thread but I was happy, there was hope for me.

I dare not type this but I’m going to. Last year around February a prayer group at work prayed for me and saw the month of May being a month of something significant happening. I had my op in jan, I figured it would be my pregnancy in may. May 2016 came and went and was miserable and nothing happened. The note with the month and my name is still inside the prayer jar. Just my note I think as everyone else had their blessings occur. New job, increased salary etc. and every time I walk into my friends office I stare at the jar with the folded pink note with my name and month on it. My friend told me about her prayer and seeing the baby boy and that the month of may was significant after one of my breakdowns to her and she said she did not want to tell me for fear of her being wrong but she heard the promise for me so clearly from god. After no positive pregnancy test in may I cried to her and said I don’t know anymore, then she said she can’t say what may will bring, maybe my baby will be born in may, so then I held onto that, that’s may2017 my baby would be born. Aug and September last year passed and nothing. So now we’re a month away from may. What if! Last month a man of god asked me when my birthday was and the date, and said I will be a very fruitful woman, he said as a pastor he was speaking this not as a regular man. Before bursting into tears I smiled, and he said before your next birthday ok. Wow. I was literally sobbing after hearing that. So many promises. Maybe it’s time to just believe. I always wanted to surprise my husband for his birthday with a positive pregnancy test. I hope next month I can. I mean gods promise is there. I have had so many people tell me this. Surely I just need to believe xxx