Judgemental.

Way too much 💩 has gone down, and when I say way too much. I really mean way to much. Now that I’ve repeated myself, let me start somewhere. 

It’s starts here: confrontations. 

i dont know if i am a confrontational person or not. i dont think i am, but sometimes when u have had enough, u just have. but what if u know u are not wrong in ur assessment and therefore are valid in your arguement about what it is that it is, but somehow the person in the wrong just makes u out to seem like u are the crazy one for even making the assessment??? i know i know im talking in riddles here. but should u just keep quiet and let it fester? So my hubby thinks I should have not been confrontational, there was no need to voice my irritations. And my direct voicing of my irritations lead to an uncomfortable situation for him. So he refuses to speak to me. Yes, I know, what bloody weird a husband I have that almost never takes my part! This part burns the most. I said I can’t take his emotional abuse anymore, the slightest wrong thing I say or do (e.g. Playing a YouTube song he does not like but that I do and he had to repeat himself 2 times for me to change it and I didn’t so he decided to sulk and go to bed and get irritated with me) he screams at or ignores me. When I type it out, and think about it, this man is a terrible person to treat me so bad. And I’m quite the sucker upper as you would have read in previous fight posts, I always apologize and write notes etc. but what got to me was after I shouted and screamed and said how can u get so angry with me all the time at the smallest things and just completely ignore already insecure-hormones-pumped me for days on end, do u know how u are killing me every day??? I’m in a depressive state and we have no money for me to even see a professional! So he says he is also suffering from so much stress and depression. But yet other people: friends and family walk all over u and it’s fine. U accept and I bear the brunt of all your stresses. He says: “well you’re my wife, you can handle it, that’s what u are there for” what an epitome of just plain evil to say that to another human being! Ur own personal punching bag. His dad was abusive physically to his mom, and here’s me dealing with the emotional abuser. Yet still, I wrote a note, a pathetic one about please choose me blah blah blah. Love me. Hug me. Forget being so angry and let us comfort each other coz I am the only one that truly loves u and has ur back. I left for the office with the note in his drawer. Came home, he got his own take out and went to the guest bedroom. Great. Even more great, I will be ovulating in 2 days. We have had no sex. I’m on CD11 today, and this man is ignoring me. 😐. I cannot begin to explain the absolute desperation to want to make peace so that you can have sex so that its not a wasted month, and he knows this and has the trump card (irony word useage on trumps Birthday 😉) and is punishing me. It’s a desperate sad state of affairs to be so absolutely desperate. Desperate. I am typing this and I can’t believe what this has reduced me to. I am a successful educated woman and I am reduced to being so desperate to have sex with my husband so that what if round 4 femara may work. How desperate even typing it.. but it’s true. And how can he put me through this?

So what do u do? I went to church, I avoided church group mid week meetings as during one meeting in may last year the the leaders declared our struggle and desire to have a baby to the entire group. Not cool. Anyway I went today. I don’t know if I expected some miracle coming home, there was nothing of course, hence me sitting in my bed alone typing this crying..,bleh. But of note was a beautiful song that I love with all my heart which we sang. It was wonderful.

Then there were people, new people in the group. But they were old and I was new coz I haven’t been in a year. The last time I went the leaders prayed that I would be carrying my baby next year this time! That was last year May 😐 anyway these new people. So my title says judgemental. I cannot suffer fools. Very rarely do I find that someone is on the same intellectual and style level as me. I know I’m so vain and mean, that’s why I’m not blessed with a baby 😭 but I am who I am and this is anonymous and honest. But the reason I find these people ridiculous is because they try too hard, but it just come across as fake and trying to hard? You are either intelligent and naturally classy and stylish, money or not. Style and class can come from zero money! But yes, i boxified all the newbies. None of them would warrant conversations where I would any way find them worthy to engage. Too much make up and overdone outfits and stupid word usage. No. I left straight after the service. Got home to my empty bed.

And honestly I didn’t go to church for a miracle. My soul is just tired and I was hoping for some peace. I didn’t get it though, actually made me feel kinda more empty, but again I guess I just wanted something other than just praying for a thousand other ways to die without me doing it myself of course coz apart from being desperate, I am a whuss. I’m scared of hell first and foremost. And then I’m scared to OD or slit my wrists and it doesn’t work 😱 or it does and I’m the coward that killed herself when life is a gift from god and there’s so many people that have families and kids and die. I rather a natural car accident smashed by a trucker or a freak armed robbery at the store or I don’t know something that doesn’t involve drama! Bleh.

Story of my infertile life. Bleh.

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7 thoughts on “Judgemental.

  1. delayedbutnotdeniedblog June 15, 2017 / 1:26 am

    I’m sorry about your marital troubles. I totally know the feeling of being upset with hubby but have to have sex so it’s not a wasted month. I’m glad you turned to The Lord in your time of need. Psalm 2, last verse: “blessed are all who take refuge in Him.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. delayedbutnotdeniedblog June 15, 2017 / 1:31 am

    Agnus Dei is one of my favorite gospel songs. There are so many covers of the song by various gospel artists. Michael W. Smith – I’m glad he’s still around. I remember his song “My Place in this World” was on heavy rotation growing up in the 1990s.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kohleyed7 June 16, 2017 / 7:29 am

    I can so very well connect to the emotional abuse and oh the thoughts of dying a natural death (are ever increasing than living a life child-free)!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dubliner in Deutschland June 20, 2017 / 9:41 am

    I am really sorry to read about the emotional abuse and lack of support from hubby. And about how much you are struggling right now. I am sure that better days will come. Please hang in there and don’t do anything drastic.

    I also had months where I was having an argument with hubby and he was annoying me but I still had to have sex because of ovulation so the whole month wouldn’t be wasted so I totally get that frustration!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. myhopeforababy June 20, 2017 / 10:28 am

    thank you ladies for your kind and non-judgemental words. its a vicious cycle. i really feel like a complete lunatic. i have no control of my emotions and i go from being hopeful to just vicious and angry and i know my husband does not love me like he used to, its the truth, it killed us. i can see it when he looks at me. its that empty look. and apart of me resents him so much for that. but that is what this has done. some couples rally together, and we just did not, it split us. he is not the type of man that would comfort or care and its because he grew up in that environment, his mother was physically abused, he saw it and was helpless, and she in turn never made a who-ha about it, she kept on and stayed quiet. then theres erratic me, who screams and shouts and voices myself and he just avoids. it angers me so much. i have too many regrets, but someday, i hope that his eyes are opened to how he has left me alone in this. and that above all is what pains me the most 😦 even when this is all done and finished, this has ripped us and we will never be the same. every future happy moment will forever be scarred. thats the reality.

    Like

  6. GiveTheIncrease June 20, 2017 / 5:18 pm

    I understand completely about the timed intercourse and the anger and fighting. I’m sorry that is happening to you. It’s not too late for infertility to be the thing that strengthens your marriage more than anything in the world could. My husband and I found some great Christian counseling that helped us so much. And the best part was that if we couldn’t have afforded it, she would have done it for free. It 1000% changed our lives and our marriage. Here is a link to their webpage–there’s a map that shows which counselors are close to you. https://biblicalcounseling.com/counselors/

    I guess I didn’t realize how men grieve differently than women. I’m sure he’s grieving, too…and neither of you is strong enough to help the other right now. I really thinking counseling could help you so much.

    Also, there’s an online Christian infertility support group through Sarah’s Laughter that was really useful to me as well. Just let me know if you would like an invite to that–the next meeting is tonight at 8pm EST.

    Like

    • myhopeforababy June 21, 2017 / 2:16 pm

      i missed this message, but i did google sarah’s laughter and it was part of my bible reading plans. i deleted the app after 5 days when i was in my “bi-polar god hates me and is punishing me stretch”. I will download again. Thank you xxx

      Like

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