I’m going to be plain down honest. I am absolutely extremely filled with absolute RAGING JEALOUSY each time I see a baby or a pregnant woman or a woman/man and baby. I have this weird twitch that is visible through my entire being and more especially my face. Its that hollow feeling in chest. Why u? Why the flip u!? It’s a million thoughts that roam through my mind..oh, you’re pregnant and so young? Wtf? You don’t look like you can afford to even give this baby growing inside u half of what I can! You look way too skinny, clearly u are more concerned with ur own appearance than nourishing the baby! All this as I am driving past by these ”mother beings”, or passing them by in the grocery isle or any-bloody-damn-where. And no. At no point did I even consider some fertility issue. Because in my old skinned wrinkled 35 y/o on the back end of infertility aging self, I could not possibly phathom that a younger person has this clock ticking issue and babyless. I am completely consumed by my own short comings that I can’t feel anything else except bitterness and resentment.
I literally hate anything that feature mother-baby, father-baby, pregnant. Great. Father’s Day is coming up. Another day to celebrate my useless non-functional womanhood-less uterus! 😡
I’ve been working til later at the office. I hate coming home. It’s empty and lonely and a reminder of no baby. At work at least my mind is occupied. At home not. It’s guilt. Failure. Regret. Resentment.
I told my husband the other day via text of course, in not so many words that I can’t stand how his family brings up a toddler in their family almost always in every conversation. Remember the holiday, he let me alone miserable listening in on while he coddled and played with that kid with the rest of his family..it still bloody makes my blood boil. Straight after all the shit I had been through, I had to endure that. I hate it and I hate them in turn for bringing that kid, or any kid up in conversation. Ok ok, I did not say I hate them in my text. But I basically said tell them to piss off, so when they bring up this toddler tell them u don’t care, they will get the hint and he will save me the pain. Because I cannot stand it. This toddler is actually not really a cute toddler. It’s really unfriendly and frigid, maybe it sensed I don’t like it, I suppose had it been more loving towards me I would have taken to it, but it didn’t and I don’t think it’s a pretty cute kid. Im being honest. In all fairness it’s parents fight all the time, they had the kid for the sake of it, but it’s their trophy as uncute and unfriendly as it is, but anyway, yeah so maybe that’s why the kid was so rigid. Anyway since telling him, we barely speak. I’m in my last and 4th prescription month of femara, and tomorrow on the 3rd day of meds, so I’m in my IDGAF state. Then tonight he puts on this kidnapped movie and how does the scene start?..with a crying baby. I mean wth really????? Must we realllllllly do that???!!! End my evening and straight to bed to vent, I mean blog.
On another note, I sneaked a peak at Facebook (fail. Epic fail.) and saw pics and videos of my 2 infertility survivors friends. Again hollow feeling in chest. How damn lucky. Yes I do want to say B*%#?£~! Because they were not perfect. Yes now they are good married wives and one a devout christian but they weren’t always. But now they are beautifully pregnant. I could not utter those words “beautifully pregnant” to their faces or even via text. And here lays resentful jealous mean bitter me.
There is not an ounce of goodness in me, I mean just read what my mind thinks?? no wonder I have no miracle.
**i chose to be honest and say how I feel at this point. I will feel guilty about my harsh words later, but for now this is real and me. I am who I am. I have become this hateful resentful jealous being. I accept it is what it is. I cannot apologize for what this disease has done to my mind, body and soul..