This really should be getting easier.

What is my problem. If, in all short of 3 years, I never was remotely tiny little bit pregnant, how can I still cry when I get my period. I’m the biggest wuss ever. I hate that I cry. Hate it hate it hate it. It’s like I need to flush it out my system and just cry and there, it’s done. But I really hate crying. So I got my period as you can read. Yeah I don’t know what to think really. I don’t know if I expected my Red Sea parting kinda miracle over yesterday and today, but alas it was not meant to be. It sux. I don’t know how christians cope. Like really I don’t. Coz we hold on to faith and god as our refuge and to fulfill his promise yet everything is just crashing down. It’s so much easier for people I think who don’t have that faith coz they can just boil it to down to oh shit bad luck, and not have to question their entire Christian human self and why god is not reaching out because they don’t believe in Christ. I don’t know, I just think it’s hard to know Jesus and trust in him and month on month face this sadness and disappointment. I just don’t know what I expected. I don’t want to do ivf again, I hated it, the whole clinical horrible experience, it was miserable. I really with all my being hoped in these months we would be pregnant. And what’s more pathetic is my damn googling for hope. Like I still have hope even though my temp dropped and I saw the wretched blood. Google should be banned for infertiles. It makes an educated realistic person become a stupid stupid hopeful. Sigh…I’m just so tired.

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