Taking back my reins of faith.

I’m a whole 1 day late with my period. Well I am really not getting this leutal phase length thing. My period since the femara after the 2nd hysteroscopy went from March 28 days with ๐Ÿ˜Š opk on days 12&13; April 26 days with ๐Ÿ˜Šopk on 12; May well I’m on CD28 with ๐Ÿ˜Šopk on CD13. Anyway a day late is a lifetime! I bought a test on Thursday and how’s bloody this for willpower..my buddy at work has the test in her office. She is keeping it. She came with me for my betas in Dec for my cycle after the failed ivf when my period was 11 days late and in Feb after the failed FET. She said when she has to see me every month that I get my period or after a failed beta, she can’t bear to see the numbness and emptiness in me. I look as if death came, I would go open arms. She began crying as she described how she felt looking at me and how hollow I looked. She said she can’t begin to imagine how helpless my hubby feels because she finds it so hard to see me like this for all this time. Anyway it was kinda sad to see how I have embroiled her into my pit of sadness and failure. Shame and she really is amazing and faithful and so positive and I love it, and I can’t wait to tell her and celebrate and hug and cry and be so happy when I do eventually find out I’m pregnant.. so we resolved we were sure it would be positive but she also didn’t want me to have a sad weekend. You see we always so so positive and keep getting shot down so it’s so hard to be confident and have the bubble burst but anyway we decided if Monday period no show..great sign, if it comes, it comes. I’m now working on a hour by hour passing of seeing no dreaded AF! But the cramps and burning sensation in my uterus are just like the damn bloody period pains. But I am praying and shoo’ing them away! 

I carried a strangers baby today. I couldn’t help myself. It was so lovely and I just wanted to feel what it felt like and touch his fat cheeks and nose and he was staring at me so lovingly as if to say, you would make a really great momma someday, so innocent and lovely. His mom was really lucky. She smiled and proceeded to open her arms to carry him and he didn’t want to let go of me! He held on to me tighter. That definitely reassured me that I am a good person. It’s actually happened so many times, random babies and toddlers in the past 2 years hold out their hands for me to carry them, it’s so strange. I sometimes can’t believe how me the chick who really wasn’t a kid person, just embraces some babies and I love it! But then I felt the tears began to come. I quickly began to flutter my eyelids to suck back in the tears, handed the baby over to the momma and said he’s too gorgeous and the sadness came in, wishing I could have my own beautiful baby to hold. 

Then I came home alone. Hubby was out. I armed myself with my bible, my anointing oil, tissue (for tears), and YouTube Praise & Worship music. 

That’s it god. I want my miracle! I want to be that person that testifys and says, I am living proof of a miracle. The fulfillment of prophecies come to pass. I am her/it/this! Lord I have been patient and I want my soul to be at peace now and the desires of my heart met. I knelt down and started praying. Now I have prayed in tongues previously, I know I have said I have never been filled with the Holy Spirit before..but let me explain..so once during alter call during the evening fasting month service, hubby and I went to the front of the church for prayer to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and my body went all weird and started shaking and I was shivering and these weird words came out my mouth but like u know that moment when u confused and u don’t know if u just saying it or what the heck. Look at the time it felt like nothing I ever felt before, and I cried. Obviously I cried. I’m one of those ridiculous cryers in church when praying or worshipping or anything really, I just cry. It’s so embarrassing. Anyway after that when ever I prayed and tried to speak in tongues it didn’t feel natural, it felt like I was forcing it and then I thought that “first time” was a fluke. But when I spoke I felt the same goosebumps feeling. So now i prayed and spoke in tongues, while the worship songs were in the background and I prayed louder and louder and it felt a good and right and my body became all hot and I felt like I was directly talking to god. But with not my normal please I beg u desperation crying prayer, but rather a look here JC, it was a forceful god I love u I trust u I know u have ur own timing and plans but look how I am hurting, come on now, sort out this situation and heal and restore my soul and heart.

I don’t know what may happen. I may get my period and my heart will be gutted and I get the antidepressants and continue praying and maybe the prophecies were spoken not of god but to ease my pain that the person saw on my face and saying that made me believe and give me hope; and I would continue waiting on god’s timing whilst everyone else (who i concern myself too much with and compare to) go on to have their 2nd or 3rd baby, OR I will be that miracle and testimony. After all what more can I do besides still pray. I fight and shout and get so angry with god, yet time and time I go back to my knees and pray. Psalm 127. The scripture I go back to always. My first sign during the fresh ICSI.. 

But I know i had a one on one heart to heart with god. I needed to find my faith and take back my reigns. I needed to be confident in my presentation to god not a frightened little school girl reading her speech to the class filled with anxiety, but rather the now confident successful woman that I have become who demands the audience I address. So angels and god, you all were my audience. Thank you and good night.


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