Just hang on.

My period is due in 2-4 days depending on whether I have a 26 or 28 day cycle. I have these intense stabbing pains on my lower left side. I feel my period coming but I am oh so hopeful. I had an temp drop at either 9 or 10 DPO depending on which app it is. And then it shot back up but then today the first read was a dip and then spike. I “chose” to take the 2nd reading as I had the thermometer exposed for a few secs before sticking it under my tongue. So I googled and lo and behold a temp dip is a thing. It’s called implantation dip. But this is my first month charting so what the heck do I know and the temp drop today screwed that theory even though I took the 2nd reading. Now I know why these forums say temping is stressful as shit! But yeah, that spurred on the hope and the whole creating the “pregnancy announcement scene”, the “scans scene”, the “baby shower scene” and so forth all in my head in the true fake production of “myhopeforababy”. It’s really the worst feeling ever to feel. Hope. I rummaged through my desk drawers today and found my prescription for antidepressants. It such a blur really as I can’t even remember even getting one. I got it 2 cycles ago, after my first round of femara. And I did not want to take them because I was hopeful. Round 2 and 3 again hopeful google showed round 2 and round 3 success. This would be my 4th round. My prescription for the femara was 4 months then it’s IVF time. We have 2 more months til we get the funds we need so it will be 2 dead months. I can’t believe the first half of the year has gone by. It was just the other day all my failures happened, so fresh and painful in my head and heart and yet the world and numb me in it has plodded along… I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Yes a miracle would happen in our lives. Yes I was hopeful because that’s what drives us to wake up and face the next day. So back to my prescription antidepressants…I really think I need to get them. I can feel myself losing it already. Sitting in front of the tele I held my head in my hands and the tears began to well up. The tears are coming back now again. I’m not making it anymore. I’m really struggling and I need help. This holding on to hope every month..one more month..one more try…and the repeat disappointment..is deteriorating me. I feel it in my soul. But hope is telling me wait. What if? And I will wait until the dreaded murder and then I will make a conscious decision to either try month 4 and then get the antidepressants or get it by Monday next week…

The hope of an infertile. It’s a shitty bloody production staring us, the least believable actors ever. Full stop.

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