when will the hiding end

when can i be a normal human being and not a hermit? when will i stop hiding? i decline birthday partys, weddings, baby showers, baby partys, basically i any event. i had to go to the shops alone. and i was scared, what if i see a pregnant person i know or a church member i know who knows i am trying and still not pregnant (we have backslidden from church)? what if they bring up the topic? we should just starve..nevermind the shops and food. And it then it dawned on me. In the next few months, theres more church people from the leadership i was in, thats going to have baby showers. one of which is my close friend? surely i cannot plan that? or assist with the planning? omg. what the heck. how do i escape that? forget the planning, i mean actual attendance. breath…. breath…

I hate this situation that we are in. constantly hiding, making excuses, avoiding, pretending. i cant. im so fed up!

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