36 cycles

its been 36 cycles of failure and dissapointment. i started tracking my cycles 38 cycles ago, naively thinking 2 months max, after all, the women in my family are so fertile!, and actively TTC and failed..not even the faintest positive 36 periods now. the bloody murder of a dream! pun intended! 🙁

Towards April, i downloaded the Fertility Friend app. I must say its better than Ovia & Glow and mymonthly cycles which i used for forever. And with this, i started charting BBT. Yes, im trying everything! I mean how much worse can it get, i have failed everything at this point, i have done it all and failed, well i still need to do PGD with my next IVF, but still, i have done IVF and it failed. for me that was the last end of the line that one can try. IVF and our overachieving embryos didnt implant, but they will i know it. I dont know when but by golly they will!

I get the smiley face exactly the same time for the last 3 months, although after my first lap/hyst I never really had a problem getting smiley face opks even without femara. So this month CD 12 morning was no smiley face on the clearblue digital, CD 13 i had the smiley face and CD 14 no smiley face, but I had only 3 tests so i did not waste it on the eve of CD 12. Normally mid-day CD 12 and morning CD 13 i get the smiley faces. My BBT was 97.34 F / 36.30 D, from CD 11 – CD 14. I am meant to ovulate CD14 and see a temp rise. but no, nada, none. Here enters panick googler mode. After ovulation temp rises. 24-36hrs after positive OPK you ovulate. ie. follice ruptures, egg is released. Fine. where the frog is my temp spike?? I could not sleep i was sooooo stressed. CD 15 at 5.30am i take my temp while still in bed, (my thermometer is under my pillow and i take it the same time around 5.25-5.35am daily), thank you jesus!!! Temp spike. 98.24 F / 36.80 D. The egg released. CD16 & CD 17 still high temp. glad. happy. excited. feeling positive.

How do some women just fall pregnant without meaning to? i mean really, how does that happen? after 36 cycles most of which perfectly timed, etc, still no miracle. because my god, it is just that, its a miracle. really it is. getting the sex timed right, and the sperm meeting egg and then the embryo developing perfectly and fighting against all odds to love you enough to snuggle and attach into you. imagine! its a bloody miracle, thats what it is. theres nothing like infertility that makes u feel even more unloved. unloved by god, unloved by your embie babies. and yes, i may not have had 3 miscarriages or a single positive pregnancy but i remember the day the nurse phoned me from the clinic to tell me our embryos were developing, and looking strong. i cried in my office, tears of elation..”thank you jesus!” i remember saying, because yes, god gave us that hope for our 2 (hubby & i) to become one; and then the day i went in for transfer the young embryologist showed me pics of our 3 babies, and he said they are beautiful! I know I know I know, it’s not really babies until they attach or so you read but for me thats the closest I have ever had to creating a form of life. 3 perfect developing embryos, 1 little overacheiver that was already a morula..busy compacting away. i cried tears of joy. I was a proud momma. my husband at that stage never felt that, he was all clinical, he never got it. We never planned on doing iui’s or ivfs and he told me after the failed ivf that we are just going down the line and ticking the next box. He was certain the iui would work and after it didn’t he closed himself off to hope and accepted that everything we tried just failed. And his misery and my unhappiness and depression compounded the already strained us.

so i started writing this yesterday and picked up today. I definitely released an egg, my temp rise shows it. now its miracle time. i hope and pray my hubby’s troops reached the eggs, im on femara, there should be minimum two. and then i hope and pray they grow grow grow and attach. why am i more confident? it could very well be a false sense of confidence. but this month is my 3rd month of 3/4 teaspoon maca root powder in milk every evening, Dhea, Q10, inofolic, femara and 1st month of folic acid and meticorten. I had these leftover from the FET, so the nurse said to take them as they help with stabalizing immunological issues or anything in my blood that counters implatation. and i have the remainder cyclogest, which i amd not inserting 3 times daily but rather only at night as they leak the heck out and my progesterone levels were good before the FET before PIO shots and my uterine lining always above 10mm, so once presserie before bed is fine. and i dont have soooo many left, just the box will last til the 31st.

i am trying. i am trying. we have not fought, we actually have a really good relationship. we are trying. my husband is so supportive, hes like a whole new man. its strange, but good strange.

if i fall pregant this month May. it will be the realization of the prophetic word of May being a significant month, and i will have given birth before my next birthday which was another prophetic word recevied. holding on to faith and promises is all we have. as people we are either so desperate or just hopeful. I keep wanting to have that miracle. imagine! I cannot even begin to imagine how absoloutely wonderful seeing a positive pregancy test must be. to those that struggled and have this, you are so so bless and have the best miracle ever!

xxx

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One thought on “36 cycles

  1. Dubliner in Deutschland May 24, 2017 / 3:09 pm

    I know what you mean, I also wonder how on earth people manage to have kids as it just seems like so many things need to work perfectly in order for it to happen! Hoping you will get some happy news soon x

    Liked by 1 person

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