The infamous call…

Each time my husband’s phone rings, I literally cringe. My tummy gets this hollow feeling, my throat swells up, my heart starts racing, and my chest starts throbbing. Maybe that’s what an anxiety attack is?? 🤔

The reason. It’s some friend calling to say they are pregnant. 

He took the call, I can hear laughter and hey bud *laughter* blah blah as he exits the house, closing the door behind him and then i hear him say hi to the wife. And he disappears further into the garden where I cannot hear the conversation. He comes back a few minutes later, saying nothing. I don’t know if they are or aren’t or what. We don’t speak about anything other than the basics. What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? Business related BS, are u working late? and that’s it.

We are… well we just are.

This is a meaningless post but I wanted to share. “The infamous call”. The fear thereof! What could possibly turn out to be another friend’s pregnancy announcement. Everyone but us.

sticking it to me

yes, thats how i feel the world is to me. sticking it to me. i actually wanted to write this 2 days ago, but then i thought i was really just being stupid and imagining things, but gosh i dont even know.

two days ago, i saw 2 pregnant woman waiting on the bus to go home. gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous..thats the only way to describe them and then i thought….uuurrrgh god, they look so amazing, but i really really dont want to see that 😦 then i recall a conversation my christian friend and i had via text where she says she remembers how low she felt when she heard of pregnant woman stories and baby stuff and now she just honestly doesnt want to remember coz it was so horrible..which is the pit i am still in bleh. then this morning on my commute to work and i saw a woman who honestly looks so so poor, like she cannot even afford to feed herself and i thought was what a coddled up baby in her arms and instantly said out loud..”seriously, you give her a baby??? geez thanks god” and i saw she had no baby tucked in so i apologized to god..ooops. but my bitterness takes over when i see such things. its not right man, really its not. these people just fall pregnant carelessly and with no means to give the child not only material things but emotional too becasue they work soo hard to afford the little they can and these kids end up on the street doing bad stuff coz the parents have 2 jobs and and and..but who am i to judge? who am i to question? look at us, educated, high-income earners and infertility ruined our marriage, we are unhappy, why on earth would a baby born to us have a happy existance? we have lost whatever love we had. now its just a mission to have a baby to be complete. honestly it is. because he continues to be miserable with babyless me. **sigh** And then to top it off, i spoke to a little administrator lady who was sitting in my office waiting for me to sign off stuff. shes a cute lovely, tiny blonde little thing who was married a year ago. on the 29th may, my friend and i went to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test, and little blondie was hovering around the fertility supplements isle. out the corner of my eye i saw her quickly take a box and rush to the counter. i was a few rows down at the folic acid and calcium supplements section, convinced i was pregnant. today she tells me she is 5 weeks pregnant. i want to literally cry as i type this. how easy for her. i think she is so lovely really, but why not me, why. and why stick these things in my face??? it wasnt her to stick it, but god coz she was obviously on the same cycle as me and stocking up on fertility supplements, and here she is pregnant! she obviously does not know my desperate and great lengths at that, that i have gone through. but still, such sadness for me 😦 and then yesteday i saw that my friend who had the IVF last year same time as me has named her baby (via my stalking social media) i smiled at the name. and it was a genuine smile. but then also sad for me.

my husband’s incentive at work just came through this month in his pay, he sent me his payslip, normally he sends it to me with a smiley face or something (i know coz i searched his past payslips that have the incentives on it), this time nothing. i was so happy that the money has come through for the IVF. and so sad that we have to use it for that. he was just blank about it. i know because he spent the night watching youtube videos and drinking brandy, came to bed at 2am, turned his back to me, and slept..like he does every night.

On a positive, I had some good news re: the business we have, a possible person to buy it over from us..we can get some of our money back! but im not sharing with anyone, just praying. please keep me in your prayers that this buyer comes through..xxx

today and now im very emotional. i feel very alone. and sad, with just everything around me and my home life.

 

what could have been

it was 9 months ago that i had my first ICSI/IVF. i would have given birth anytime now. it sounds so stupid to say “given birth”, as i have absolutely no idea what a positive pregnancy test looks like, a >5 beta result, morning sickness, scans, feeling a growing baby in you, let alone what the birthing process would even be. i think when i say these things out loud (or type it) i feel sorry for myself and it fuels my anger and self loathing and self pity. anyway. on the 20 October 2016 we had trasferred 1 perfect looking morula. my baby. my baby that didnt deem me fit enough to snuggle into me and grow. how time flies. how did i even exist thus far? how did i make it?

my temp is still 36.4 degrees. based on last month’s temping. it should haven beem 36.7 – 37 degrees. i did not release an egg. no hope. i was so desperate today, i phoned a gynae close by to see if he could give me a trigger shot, he said no, go to your clinic. i dont have that personal relationship with my clinic or doctor. they just want the IVF/ICSI all this BS femara inbetween is by the by. for them IVF/ICSI is my only hope. and for me, given the 2x transfer failures, im scared, im really really scared this time. and in all honesty, i want so desperately a miracle from god. to fall pregant naturally. is that toooooooo much to ask? **sigh** i need to realize and accept those words my husband said to me in the drive back from the clinic before our IVF discussion and agreement. “there is no miracle from god, we will never be able to have a baby like normal people, it wont be natural”. It is not the will of God for that over our lives, everything was and is a struggle. i hoped and prayed so much, but that verse (Psalm 127) is not something i can hold on to. i read it to believe, GOD will give us a baby, not IVF, but it was a mistake, a fluke, it was a random bible page turning and my sheer desperation attributed it to a sign from god. It was not a sign; it was nothing. i need to WAKE UP! i need to be REALISTIC. do you even know a part of me is hoping that God sees what I am typing and says, I’m going to prove this one wrong, im going to give her a baby this month! she will conceive naturally as my miracle to her! There, ah-ha! boy o boy would i love for god to do that. but i do that every month. every single month when i wish god proves my negativity wrong, or the prophectic words spoken over my life comes to pass. alas. my first year of TTC and trusting in god’s timing is my reality check! a whole wasted year. trusting. and then problems a plenty.

my friend told me she watched a movie and the jist of it was that god presented a man with both his kids and said chose 1 to go to heaven/be saved; and highlighted both their sins and the man could not chose. so god says how then do you expect me to chose? this was when we question why that person and not me? well, yes i understand, but still doesnt help me feel like a reject bleh. and god is god, he can do ANYTHING! he can give me a baby just like he can give a lady who has had abortions in her teens, or a woman who doesnt really want a baby, or a crack-whore or a non-believer or any-bloody-person for that matter, so why not me? why forsake me? those words i utter every time i break down crying. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me

Did i even mention that i have name all my kids? all strong biblical names with significane to us/me/our faith? is it all just fake then? am i just a fraud?

BBT – i hate this

So i started temping last month. it showed a temp spike after the positive OPK and then a temp dip at 9DPO – “implantation dip” which it was not obviously, and then temp rise until my period then drop. all normal. this month i had positive opks, but i used the cheap strips, which really are insanely hard to read. im sorry they are. the clearblue smiley face digital is much easier, but also much more expensive. and then obviously we had sex. from my previous post, we were fighting so much. and we havent made up, we are just having sex to not have a wasted month. he knows it. i know it. we just dont need to say it. he did breakdown and say he has to constantly deal with father related and baby related things in line with the business and its so hard but he protects me from that, i appreciate it. i did not wish him or anyone else a happy fathers day, i avoided the day. so back to this insane BBT bullshit. i know on femara i release the eggs on my own because i did during my cancelled IUI #3 – it was cancelled because the eggs released on its own, so i was never in doubt of that. and last month proved it with the temping. So below are my opks. We had sex (yes im going to be clinical like that and just call it what it is) on the morning of CD12, evening of CD13 (which i was convinced was a positive OPK), but then CD14 and it looked positive, thats why i say these strips are awful, and then at 2am on CD15. i was literally tired of having sex at this point, and it feels awful when u just forced to, you know?

Capture

Then my drama of this stupid BBT. flat temps, then temp spike on CD14, even though the strong positive OPK and then temp drop and still low temp today (CD16)

I dont even know if all this stress caused the egg not to release. Positive OPKs, no temp surge and no ovulation. i am googling the life out of this. And last month i was taking the cyclogest progesterone suppository every evening after a positive OPK, so again what if i have no progesterone, no egg release and not temp rise????aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

you know its just so hopeless. i sat this morning telling a colleague i want to resign, everything is just not working, im unhappy in every aspect. my work – which was my greatest achievement is now of zero fullfillment. i feel like a big nothing being childless. i cannot even believe i am able to make that statement! the 5 years ago me would say i was talking absolute rubbish! i was never that woman who always knew they wanted to be a mother, if anything i would say i never wanted kids, and 3 years ago like a switch it flipped! but i was not broody, i literally woke and felt incomplete, like a part of me is missing. i feel empty, and my husband cant make up for that, and i always wonder, is this from god? to deny me a child because i would love the child more than him..there i said it. yes i am an incomplete person with “just” god and my husband, i want a child to feel complete and maybe thats why he is not giving me one. i see all these faithful people that press on, yet i cant, i cant bear to go to church surrounded by “these people who i deem not as great people as they portray” with all their blessings in abundance, and here i am, here we are broken. i just cant let go of this embitterment. anyway back to wanting to resign, we cant, all our money is invested in the business, so we have nothing. hence broke to have done IVF sooner although we are quite successful and earn well, we are completely endebted with this business investment we have that secondary. it literally has sucked a chunk of the life and money out of us. and infertility sucked the rest.

i know this month wont work, yet i still have hope. i would want so desperately for god to bless us. save us all that money of IVF, throw us a bloody bone at least lol! i know it wont work, yet i will still temp and hope and cry and cry and cry when my period shows.

i have been dreaming of these frenemy’s baby quite alot, its been a creepy dream, like we were its make-shift parents, and its so beautiful and loving to me and i love it, but its not mine, im so envious that they have it and we dont. i dont know what to make of the creepy dream, i reckon its just life being cruel to me even in my subconcious. but they are such bad people and how are they so blessed?. i wont go into details of how bad people they are, but they are not good, she just sows money into this “new age accepting all whatever it may be” church and blessings come-a-pouring!

I wish i had a sign, to tell me something. And back to the BBT, does wine affect the temp? i had a full glass of wine last night?? i keep thinking what else did i do wrong, apart from so much! but even in the month i did everything right, it didnt work, what would make the difference now. Bring on google 4th month femara success…then the curveball no temp rise. guess will have to press on and keep temping. its devastating. it really really is. i hate this, i hate that fertile women don’t know what every day is like in the day of us. i read this one blog where this lady called herself infertile after 4 months of trying naturally to conceive and 2 failed IUI’s – but she was kitted out with various brands of OPKs, vitamins, preseed, soft cups, a diet plan, and and and…, gosh at only 4 months i was still dillusional and didnt even know about opk’s or half the abbreviations! she was a skinny PCOS, and she had a dream of 2 babies, her sign from god. she ended up with twins from the 3rd IUI that was cancelled as she stuffed up the husband’s semen cup so they did it naturally and it worked. so where’s my sign?? i think she started in aug and was pregnant by feb. but she was infertile. **eyes rolling** dont get me wrong, after 6 months of TTC i was already dying every month, but 3 years later and after my Ops, tests, IUIs, IVF, FET, i have the right to be formally diaognosed with this infertility disease, not this 6 months trying and success woman. sorry, im insensitive i know, but it urks me. when people who dont struggle like us, yet call their babies rainbow babies or miracle babies or quote 1 Samuel 1:27. seriously??? you prayed how many months?? uuuurrrrgggghhhh! and i hate hate hate hate when people try to comfort me saying “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” I AM NOT BLOODY STRONG, I AM DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! im sorry for being ugly. im just so tired. and angry that we have to do IVF, and if it didnt work before, whats the chance it may work now. i was convinced my uterus was shoddy, but the 2nd op showed it fixed, and then i was so so certain my eggs were good, but i am slowly accepting, i may never have a baby that has my fat cheeks and dimples and ginger hair…anyways. life is such.

xxx

Judgemental.

Way too much 💩 has gone down, and when I say way too much. I really mean way to much. Now that I’ve repeated myself, let me start somewhere. 

It’s starts here: confrontations. 

i dont know if i am a confrontational person or not. i dont think i am, but sometimes when u have had enough, u just have. but what if u know u are not wrong in ur assessment and therefore are valid in your arguement about what it is that it is, but somehow the person in the wrong just makes u out to seem like u are the crazy one for even making the assessment??? i know i know im talking in riddles here. but should u just keep quiet and let it fester? So my hubby thinks I should have not been confrontational, there was no need to voice my irritations. And my direct voicing of my irritations lead to an uncomfortable situation for him. So he refuses to speak to me. Yes, I know, what bloody weird a husband I have that almost never takes my part! This part burns the most. I said I can’t take his emotional abuse anymore, the slightest wrong thing I say or do (e.g. Playing a YouTube song he does not like but that I do and he had to repeat himself 2 times for me to change it and I didn’t so he decided to sulk and go to bed and get irritated with me) he screams at or ignores me. When I type it out, and think about it, this man is a terrible person to treat me so bad. And I’m quite the sucker upper as you would have read in previous fight posts, I always apologize and write notes etc. but what got to me was after I shouted and screamed and said how can u get so angry with me all the time at the smallest things and just completely ignore already insecure-hormones-pumped me for days on end, do u know how u are killing me every day??? I’m in a depressive state and we have no money for me to even see a professional! So he says he is also suffering from so much stress and depression. But yet other people: friends and family walk all over u and it’s fine. U accept and I bear the brunt of all your stresses. He says: “well you’re my wife, you can handle it, that’s what u are there for” what an epitome of just plain evil to say that to another human being! Ur own personal punching bag. His dad was abusive physically to his mom, and here’s me dealing with the emotional abuser. Yet still, I wrote a note, a pathetic one about please choose me blah blah blah. Love me. Hug me. Forget being so angry and let us comfort each other coz I am the only one that truly loves u and has ur back. I left for the office with the note in his drawer. Came home, he got his own take out and went to the guest bedroom. Great. Even more great, I will be ovulating in 2 days. We have had no sex. I’m on CD11 today, and this man is ignoring me. 😐. I cannot begin to explain the absolute desperation to want to make peace so that you can have sex so that its not a wasted month, and he knows this and has the trump card (irony word useage on trumps Birthday 😉) and is punishing me. It’s a desperate sad state of affairs to be so absolutely desperate. Desperate. I am typing this and I can’t believe what this has reduced me to. I am a successful educated woman and I am reduced to being so desperate to have sex with my husband so that what if round 4 femara may work. How desperate even typing it.. but it’s true. And how can he put me through this?

So what do u do? I went to church, I avoided church group mid week meetings as during one meeting in may last year the the leaders declared our struggle and desire to have a baby to the entire group. Not cool. Anyway I went today. I don’t know if I expected some miracle coming home, there was nothing of course, hence me sitting in my bed alone typing this crying..,bleh. But of note was a beautiful song that I love with all my heart which we sang. It was wonderful.

Then there were people, new people in the group. But they were old and I was new coz I haven’t been in a year. The last time I went the leaders prayed that I would be carrying my baby next year this time! That was last year May 😐 anyway these new people. So my title says judgemental. I cannot suffer fools. Very rarely do I find that someone is on the same intellectual and style level as me. I know I’m so vain and mean, that’s why I’m not blessed with a baby 😭 but I am who I am and this is anonymous and honest. But the reason I find these people ridiculous is because they try too hard, but it just come across as fake and trying to hard? You are either intelligent and naturally classy and stylish, money or not. Style and class can come from zero money! But yes, i boxified all the newbies. None of them would warrant conversations where I would any way find them worthy to engage. Too much make up and overdone outfits and stupid word usage. No. I left straight after the service. Got home to my empty bed.

And honestly I didn’t go to church for a miracle. My soul is just tired and I was hoping for some peace. I didn’t get it though, actually made me feel kinda more empty, but again I guess I just wanted something other than just praying for a thousand other ways to die without me doing it myself of course coz apart from being desperate, I am a whuss. I’m scared of hell first and foremost. And then I’m scared to OD or slit my wrists and it doesn’t work 😱 or it does and I’m the coward that killed herself when life is a gift from god and there’s so many people that have families and kids and die. I rather a natural car accident smashed by a trucker or a freak armed robbery at the store or I don’t know something that doesn’t involve drama! Bleh.

Story of my infertile life. Bleh.

Never, ever, EVER stop trying..


I read this and I loved it. Because she wasn’t lying. She was absolutely honest. There is never a moment, even in the “break cycles” that you don’t stop trying. You pretend for sanity or arrogance or defiance sake, but u never really do stop trying and hoping as futile and impossible as it may be to even assume the possibility of a “miracle maybe baby” circumstances established of course, u still TRY. I loved it so much I cried at the sheer truth it bore as I read it out loud over and over and over and over…

Her blog is juststoptryinganditwillhappen

She did have her baby and it was an interesting read, there’s no more blogs from her since April 2016, but it was a refreshing read. Below is an excerpt…


As for me. I am still screenshoting Pinterest pregnancy announcements and and and.. Futile now I know. But heck, ima sucker like that! This month is a free month, I’m taking the femara and the usual vitamins but I am looking forward to the IVF. How time flies! I was so so hopeful after my op in February and here we are, same ol’ same ol’! I have more confidence and hope in this clinic and us testing the embryos etc. I’m not holding out for anything to come of this 4th round femara cycle..ok ok I’m lying. yes, there’s always that glimmer of hope but I know the IVF will come and possibly transfer of 2 or 3 embryos, provided they are all perfectly normal (please god! In advance 🙏🏼) and I hope to get much more eggs than the first silly clinic. But it feels good to not be so cautious. Letting loose almost. I can have a guilt free glass of wine. I’m not a heavy drinker, I passed that party stage of life a heck of a long time ago and infertility brings with it zero fun and a dry personality bleh. But I did rather enjoy the odd glass of wine. 

So today I made my delicious lamb dish! It felt like the good ol’ days when we were young (breakout Adele singalong as I type 🎶). I would make my delicious meal, and my hubby is putty in my hands when it comes to food 😄, hubby and I would watch the rugga and have a few drinks, so chilled and free and young and naive and in love. No stress, no elephant in the room, no infertility woes, just us enjoying life. O how I wish we could have that back..but what I rather mean is: O how I wish we started fertility treatments back then 🙈. How this has consumed every single being and memory is just ridiculous. Instead of enjoyment of a past memory I think, if we only knew then what we knew now…hmmmm. We would have gone through the heartbreak and misery back then and we were younger opposed to now. 

Again I read another blog. I don’t even know what this lady was smoking! But bloody hell she was way too strong and I could not even remotely relate. She said to embrace head on pregnancy announcements, baby showers, parties etc. and be thankful for sleeping in and a great body and no scarring body from childbirth etc etc and thank god for the valley and lessons learnt while in it and growing stronger. I’m sorry, I can’t 😕, that’s not me and will never be me. I will never thank god for this awful place I am in because it cannot be god’s will for me to be so sad all the time, really really it CAN NOT! 

This month of June would have been the month of the birth of our baby had our first fresh ivf work… told my hubby that, his response was screw that shit. Yeah hey. Life is such..

xxx

Jealous.

I’m going to be plain down honest. I am absolutely extremely filled with absolute RAGING JEALOUSY each time I see a baby or a pregnant woman or a woman/man and baby. I have this weird twitch that is visible through my entire being and more especially my face. Its that hollow feeling in chest. Why u? Why the flip u!? It’s a million thoughts that roam through my mind..oh, you’re pregnant and so young? Wtf? You don’t look like you can afford to even give this baby growing inside u half of what I can! You look way too skinny, clearly u are more concerned with ur own appearance than nourishing the baby! All this as I am driving past by these ”mother beings”, or passing them by in the grocery isle or any-bloody-damn-where. And no. At no point did I even consider some fertility issue. Because in my old skinned wrinkled 35 y/o on the back end of infertility aging self, I could not possibly phathom that a younger person has this clock ticking issue and babyless. I am completely consumed by my own short comings that I can’t feel anything else except bitterness and resentment.

I literally hate anything that feature mother-baby, father-baby, pregnant. Great. Father’s Day is coming up. Another day to celebrate my useless non-functional womanhood-less uterus! 😡

I’ve been working til later at the office. I hate coming home. It’s empty and lonely and a reminder of no baby. At work at least my mind is occupied. At home not. It’s guilt. Failure. Regret. Resentment.

I told my husband the other day via text of course, in not so many words that I can’t stand how his family brings up a toddler in their family almost always in every conversation. Remember the holiday, he let me alone miserable listening in on while he coddled and played with that kid with the rest of his family..it still bloody makes my blood boil. Straight after all the shit I had been through, I had to endure that. I hate it and I hate them in turn for bringing that kid, or any kid up in conversation. Ok ok, I did not say I hate them in my text. But I basically said tell them to piss off, so when they bring up this toddler tell them u don’t care, they will get the hint and he will save me the pain. Because I cannot stand it. This toddler is actually not really a cute toddler. It’s really unfriendly and frigid, maybe it sensed I don’t like it, I suppose had it been more loving towards me I would have taken to it, but it didn’t and I don’t think it’s a pretty cute kid. Im being honest. In all fairness it’s parents fight all the time, they had the kid for the sake of it, but it’s their trophy as uncute and unfriendly as it is, but anyway, yeah so maybe that’s why the kid was so rigid. Anyway since telling him, we barely speak. I’m in my last and 4th prescription month of femara, and tomorrow on the 3rd day of meds, so I’m in my IDGAF state. Then tonight he puts on this kidnapped movie and how does the scene start?..with a crying baby. I mean wth really????? Must we realllllllly do that???!!! End my evening and straight to bed to vent, I mean blog.

On another note, I sneaked a peak at Facebook (fail. Epic fail.) and saw pics and videos of my 2 infertility survivors friends. Again hollow feeling in chest. How damn lucky. Yes I do want to say B*%#?£~! Because they were not perfect. Yes now they are good married wives and one a devout christian but they weren’t always. But now they are beautifully pregnant. I could not utter those words “beautifully pregnant” to their faces or even via text. And here lays resentful jealous mean bitter me.

There is not an ounce of goodness in me, I mean just read what my mind thinks?? no wonder I have no miracle.

**i chose to be honest and say how I feel at this point. I will feel guilty about my harsh words later, but for now this is real and me. I am who I am. I have become this hateful resentful jealous being. I accept it is what it is. I cannot apologize for what this disease has done to my mind, body and soul..

This really should be getting easier.

What is my problem. If, in all short of 3 years, I never was remotely tiny little bit pregnant, how can I still cry when I get my period. I’m the biggest wuss ever. I hate that I cry. Hate it hate it hate it. It’s like I need to flush it out my system and just cry and there, it’s done. But I really hate crying. So I got my period as you can read. Yeah I don’t know what to think really. I don’t know if I expected my Red Sea parting kinda miracle over yesterday and today, but alas it was not meant to be. It sux. I don’t know how christians cope. Like really I don’t. Coz we hold on to faith and god as our refuge and to fulfill his promise yet everything is just crashing down. It’s so much easier for people I think who don’t have that faith coz they can just boil it to down to oh shit bad luck, and not have to question their entire Christian human self and why god is not reaching out because they don’t believe in Christ. I don’t know, I just think it’s hard to know Jesus and trust in him and month on month face this sadness and disappointment. I just don’t know what I expected. I don’t want to do ivf again, I hated it, the whole clinical horrible experience, it was miserable. I really with all my being hoped in these months we would be pregnant. And what’s more pathetic is my damn googling for hope. Like I still have hope even though my temp dropped and I saw the wretched blood. Google should be banned for infertiles. It makes an educated realistic person become a stupid stupid hopeful. Sigh…I’m just so tired.

Taking back my reins of faith.

I’m a whole 1 day late with my period. Well I am really not getting this leutal phase length thing. My period since the femara after the 2nd hysteroscopy went from March 28 days with 😊 opk on days 12&13; April 26 days with 😊opk on 12; May well I’m on CD28 with 😊opk on CD13. Anyway a day late is a lifetime! I bought a test on Thursday and how’s bloody this for willpower..my buddy at work has the test in her office. She is keeping it. She came with me for my betas in Dec for my cycle after the failed ivf when my period was 11 days late and in Feb after the failed FET. She said when she has to see me every month that I get my period or after a failed beta, she can’t bear to see the numbness and emptiness in me. I look as if death came, I would go open arms. She began crying as she described how she felt looking at me and how hollow I looked. She said she can’t begin to imagine how helpless my hubby feels because she finds it so hard to see me like this for all this time. Anyway it was kinda sad to see how I have embroiled her into my pit of sadness and failure. Shame and she really is amazing and faithful and so positive and I love it, and I can’t wait to tell her and celebrate and hug and cry and be so happy when I do eventually find out I’m pregnant.. so we resolved we were sure it would be positive but she also didn’t want me to have a sad weekend. You see we always so so positive and keep getting shot down so it’s so hard to be confident and have the bubble burst but anyway we decided if Monday period no show..great sign, if it comes, it comes. I’m now working on a hour by hour passing of seeing no dreaded AF! But the cramps and burning sensation in my uterus are just like the damn bloody period pains. But I am praying and shoo’ing them away! 

I carried a strangers baby today. I couldn’t help myself. It was so lovely and I just wanted to feel what it felt like and touch his fat cheeks and nose and he was staring at me so lovingly as if to say, you would make a really great momma someday, so innocent and lovely. His mom was really lucky. She smiled and proceeded to open her arms to carry him and he didn’t want to let go of me! He held on to me tighter. That definitely reassured me that I am a good person. It’s actually happened so many times, random babies and toddlers in the past 2 years hold out their hands for me to carry them, it’s so strange. I sometimes can’t believe how me the chick who really wasn’t a kid person, just embraces some babies and I love it! But then I felt the tears began to come. I quickly began to flutter my eyelids to suck back in the tears, handed the baby over to the momma and said he’s too gorgeous and the sadness came in, wishing I could have my own beautiful baby to hold. 

Then I came home alone. Hubby was out. I armed myself with my bible, my anointing oil, tissue (for tears), and YouTube Praise & Worship music. 

That’s it god. I want my miracle! I want to be that person that testifys and says, I am living proof of a miracle. The fulfillment of prophecies come to pass. I am her/it/this! Lord I have been patient and I want my soul to be at peace now and the desires of my heart met. I knelt down and started praying. Now I have prayed in tongues previously, I know I have said I have never been filled with the Holy Spirit before..but let me explain..so once during alter call during the evening fasting month service, hubby and I went to the front of the church for prayer to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and my body went all weird and started shaking and I was shivering and these weird words came out my mouth but like u know that moment when u confused and u don’t know if u just saying it or what the heck. Look at the time it felt like nothing I ever felt before, and I cried. Obviously I cried. I’m one of those ridiculous cryers in church when praying or worshipping or anything really, I just cry. It’s so embarrassing. Anyway after that when ever I prayed and tried to speak in tongues it didn’t feel natural, it felt like I was forcing it and then I thought that “first time” was a fluke. But when I spoke I felt the same goosebumps feeling. So now i prayed and spoke in tongues, while the worship songs were in the background and I prayed louder and louder and it felt a good and right and my body became all hot and I felt like I was directly talking to god. But with not my normal please I beg u desperation crying prayer, but rather a look here JC, it was a forceful god I love u I trust u I know u have ur own timing and plans but look how I am hurting, come on now, sort out this situation and heal and restore my soul and heart.

I don’t know what may happen. I may get my period and my heart will be gutted and I get the antidepressants and continue praying and maybe the prophecies were spoken not of god but to ease my pain that the person saw on my face and saying that made me believe and give me hope; and I would continue waiting on god’s timing whilst everyone else (who i concern myself too much with and compare to) go on to have their 2nd or 3rd baby, OR I will be that miracle and testimony. After all what more can I do besides still pray. I fight and shout and get so angry with god, yet time and time I go back to my knees and pray. Psalm 127. The scripture I go back to always. My first sign during the fresh ICSI.. 

But I know i had a one on one heart to heart with god. I needed to find my faith and take back my reigns. I needed to be confident in my presentation to god not a frightened little school girl reading her speech to the class filled with anxiety, but rather the now confident successful woman that I have become who demands the audience I address. So angels and god, you all were my audience. Thank you and good night.

Just hang on.

My period is due in 2-4 days depending on whether I have a 26 or 28 day cycle. I have these intense stabbing pains on my lower left side. I feel my period coming but I am oh so hopeful. I had an temp drop at either 9 or 10 DPO depending on which app it is. And then it shot back up but then today the first read was a dip and then spike. I “chose” to take the 2nd reading as I had the thermometer exposed for a few secs before sticking it under my tongue. So I googled and lo and behold a temp dip is a thing. It’s called implantation dip. But this is my first month charting so what the heck do I know and the temp drop today screwed that theory even though I took the 2nd reading. Now I know why these forums say temping is stressful as shit! But yeah, that spurred on the hope and the whole creating the “pregnancy announcement scene”, the “scans scene”, the “baby shower scene” and so forth all in my head in the true fake production of “myhopeforababy”. It’s really the worst feeling ever to feel. Hope. I rummaged through my desk drawers today and found my prescription for antidepressants. It such a blur really as I can’t even remember even getting one. I got it 2 cycles ago, after my first round of femara. And I did not want to take them because I was hopeful. Round 2 and 3 again hopeful google showed round 2 and round 3 success. This would be my 4th round. My prescription for the femara was 4 months then it’s IVF time. We have 2 more months til we get the funds we need so it will be 2 dead months. I can’t believe the first half of the year has gone by. It was just the other day all my failures happened, so fresh and painful in my head and heart and yet the world and numb me in it has plodded along… I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now. Yes a miracle would happen in our lives. Yes I was hopeful because that’s what drives us to wake up and face the next day. So back to my prescription antidepressants…I really think I need to get them. I can feel myself losing it already. Sitting in front of the tele I held my head in my hands and the tears began to well up. The tears are coming back now again. I’m not making it anymore. I’m really struggling and I need help. This holding on to hope every month..one more month..one more try…and the repeat disappointment..is deteriorating me. I feel it in my soul. But hope is telling me wait. What if? And I will wait until the dreaded murder and then I will make a conscious decision to either try month 4 and then get the antidepressants or get it by Monday next week…

The hope of an infertile. It’s a shitty bloody production staring us, the least believable actors ever. Full stop.