Since the exchange of texts and my non replied to email, we have not spoken. I slept in the guest bedroom because I couldn’t bear to see him. It wasn’t anger, it was my own shame. I don’t feel that I was wrong but each time I explode I think could I have just shut up and avoided it all?, but u see I’m not all right in my head. I admit, I’m not. I blame my emotional state caused by my infertility disease. It results in me blurting out whatever I feel. I told him when I end my life it will be his doing. Let me explain. This disease is hard. Harder when you feel alone. And I feel so extremely alone. And i honest to god wish daily I would die. But god is really allowing this cruel game with my life. And I feel loneliest when my husband doesn’t get that telling me about someone’s pregnancy or birth announcement or child’s birthday or baby shower is a nail in my uterus. I don’t want to know about it. If he were to just sensitize and not speak about it. Like how he omits to speak of something embarrassing or awful in his immediate family that took place. Same concept. Instead, when he tells me and I get upset he lashes out at me. How is that fair? Or do it differently, fine tell me if you must and then say screw that, we will have our own baby soon, we don’t need to go for any baby related event. No he says the opposite. We can’t hide ourselves, what will everyone think. So let’s care more about what others think right, not that I have have procedures and ops and failures and am sensitive. In one of his texts he said just because he doesn’t show emotion I take it for granted. Well wrong, he does. I get the brunt of his anger.
Maybe I just compare him to other friends husbands who are suffering/suffered with infertility. They are nothing like him. They shut out the world and focus only on their wives. No not my husband, he dives straight in. Oohing and aaahing at friends and families babies. Wanting to attend events where these “people with babies/pregnant” will be present. Screw it that it’s a nail to my uterus. He has always been “baby/kid” friendly. Not me, I have been more reserved. I would not just carry or go gaga over any kid, because it’s just not me. I knew that only my kid would change me. So now his family and even my own and the rest of the world pity him that he doesn’t have a child yet because of me. And the truth is, when we were 27 I told him let’s make a baby and he said no, not just yet, there’s stuff to sort out. I’m f%#*ing 35 and still don’t have a child. I should have gone off brith control then and ignored him and maybe started this fertility process sooner. I wish I could tell the world to stop blaming me and stop laughing at me. I can hear everyone saying poor him, she wanted to wait. No I didn’t. Fine yes at 32 when I got my new job, I wanted to wait for at least 3 months but that’s all! I would have wanted a baby at 27, he said no.
Soon we visit his family. I hate visiting them. Because the topic of babies always comes up. Case in point.
My husband’s father is one of those snide old men. Last year when we visited he makes a comment about his granddaughter’s children, and deliberately says “hey (me), don’t you think when “so and so” has a baby. I ignore him, he deliberately says it again for me to acknowledge. I smile and say yes. What was the point of that statement snide old man? It was out of conversation context and unnecessary yet he made it to see a reaction. Every conversation with him revolves around a grandchild before he dies. For F#%* sake we are trying! Yet he makes that dig at me. My husbands niece is 9 years younger than me. Really? I love her, she is sweet and oblivious. But the dig that even she will have a baby before me.
Then there his mother who said, don’t wait until you’re too old to have babies otherwise you will struggle. She didn’t mean it in malice, but she confessed it over my life. As much as she prayed for us, those words still hurt like a B%^#*.
And the cherry on top is my own bloody mother. Who actively on Facebook comments on every freaking baby being a blessing and so gorgeous and “our precious this that and the other..” to all families’ babies. Yet she would not even call to check how I am doing. Well no one calls me really. But then I have ostracized myself from the world so I dont blame them. But hoping for some sensitivity is something I would never get from family.
In fact my ivf journey is only known to my boss, husband’s boss and a good woman of god at work. The iui’s no one knows of.
It’s a lonely journey and more lonely when you feel like all you have is your blog, not even your husband gets is.