Called to rest..

Someone from church has passed after a long battle with illness. He was diagnosed just about after we started trying for kids. So about 2 years now. He was a wonderful man, always positive and fun, same goes for his wonderful wife. He is now dead. How cruel. Why let his family go through those tortureous 2 years of hope and failure. It’s so horrible. You see he was getting better, but he had all those treatments to have to go through. And now it was pointless. Why didn’t god just take him sooner, why let him carry on and fight hopelessly, why let his family see that pain and suffering and go through it too. How unfair is that.

My hear is so troubled by life. Peace be to his dear wonderful wife and kids xxx

Nightclub era

When were were younger we frequented nightclubs. It was fun and great. We haven’t for the past 3 years because we passed that stage and were in the middle of trying to be responsible parents to be and it reminded me of an era long past that we should have graduated from but were stuck in limbo. I didn’t enjoy being around all these 20 somethings because I was now that old person that I thought what the heck are they doing here, yes I was that what the heck person. But last night we ventured out to one of the city hotspots. It was gastly. I hated it. Hubby was old and oblivious and tipsy. It reminded me of how we should be home coddling our baby or toddler instead of drinking shots and trying to forget the pain which made pain more obvious. It was just as terrible as I imagined it to be. I’m not even fun company for hubby and we have no friends to go out nightclubbing with in any case. They all have kids except us.

I guess I’m just more annoyed because my period which was meant to start 2 days ago has not, perhaps because of the hysterscope I had end Feb. but still that now further delays our natural trying and leaves us back in the unknown cycle day. And also the 2nd cycle after fresh IVF was delayed by 41 days 😩. In December god decided to play that cruel trick on us and led us to believe that he blessed us naturally after the failed ivf with our Christmas miracle πŸ˜‚. It was such a cruel trick on us. Worst Christmas ever. I say that every Christmas πŸ™ˆ. Oh and adding to a shitty yesterday I was told that someone married for a year was pregnant. Great! Another one down. 

Me bloody 12 years down and old and baby less and still having shots at the nightclub dancing on my own prentending everything is great.

why not me?

It’s awful being the last one. The last to get picked for teams, or last to get an award or last for just everything. It’s the same with infertility. You know of your friends that were struggling like you. One by one they become pregnant. They call you and sensitively tell you and are so cautious when they say, “I am pregnant, but it’s early days..”. And they say things like it is a miracle. Yes, i know because the fact that your IVF worked first time is a miracle. Mine didn’t. You don’t know I also went through IVF and our transfers were 2 days apart, because we both never shared we were doing it for fear of failure. Yours worked and you told, mine didn’t and I never came out that I did IVF. And the other says its only God’s doing. Yes it is, because you were giving that blessing without operations or procedures, you tried for close to 2 years and it happened, just like that. But it didn’t for me. I cant be optimistic, thinking why not me and yet you? Why must I suffer longer.

I am so happy for my friends, but why not me, how hard is it to be happy for someone else and not sad for myself? and feel like god has just forsaken me.

That’s the thing about being picked last. The worst players get picked last. In reference to when people die younger and not later on in life, you hear things like God picks the most beautiful flowers from the flower garden first. So thats how blessings work I guess. But then i think am I really that bad, must bloody be!

Apologize

YESTERDAY: My best friend who lives in another state can be brutally honest and yet still comfort me even though I may be wrong. I woke crying. Still in the guest bedroom. My bestie who has 2 toddlers and always looked so flustered it’s funny! Watching and listening to her make me feel that I should enjoy this time baby free. Picture the movies where the mom is everywhere and nowhere and grabbing one kid from doing something mischievous whilst trying to feed the other crying one who’s on her hip; that’s my bestie. She agrees hubby was too casual and I should have not gone to the swaray. But then the worst which made me feel so bad was seeing the pics on social media. I felt bad that we blatantly did not attend, but I would not have coped. I barely manage adult parties that discuss kids, how would I have handled this? Then why feel bad? Why? I was so irritated with myself for feeling bad. I planned the week ahead of ignoring hubby and standing firm on my ground. My best friend (voice of reason) said no. Say you’re sorry. Hmmm. Not so easy. I got out of my tracks washed my hair, went to the store and grabbed a card and some little “trinkets”. I proceed to write, to my husband, my partner who stands by me etc etc. I explained I’m somewhat mental. And explained the gifts. A little bonsai plant for us to nurture and grow like our relationship becasue we need to start afresh, too much bad is going on, a baby rattle toy as our home will be rattled with joy when our baby does come, various chocolate eggs and a biscuit type thingy with little eggs in it, I swear it looked like an ovaryπŸ˜‚ which was symbolic of my ovaries filled with great egg containing follicles which would bring life to our babies. It was sort of creative for a creative wood like myself. I left the card with the little bits on the dining table for him to open and hopefully he won’t hate me as much as he did before he left for today…

So he read the card, ate the treats..came to our bedroom, kissed me on my forehead and asked “are u ok now?, coz sometimes I think u need your time to vent and I need to leave u be”
xxx

We haven’t spoken

Since the exchange of texts and my non replied to email, we have not spoken. I slept in the guest bedroom because I couldn’t bear to see him. It wasn’t anger, it was my own shame. I don’t feel that I was wrong but each time I explode I think could I have just shut up and avoided it all?, but u see I’m not all right in my head. I admit, I’m not. I blame my emotional state caused by my infertility disease. It results in me blurting out whatever I feel. I told him when I end my life it will be his doing. Let me explain. This disease is hard. Harder when you feel alone. And I feel so extremely alone. And i honest to god wish daily I would die. But god is really allowing this cruel game with my life. And I feel loneliest when my husband doesn’t get that telling me about someone’s pregnancy or birth announcement or child’s birthday or baby shower is a nail in my uterus. I don’t want to know about it. If he were to just sensitize and not speak about it. Like how he omits to speak of something embarrassing or awful in his immediate family that took place. Same concept. Instead, when he tells me and I get upset he lashes out at me. How is that fair? Or do it differently, fine tell me if you must and then say screw that, we will have our own baby soon, we don’t need to go for any baby related event. No he says the opposite. We can’t hide ourselves, what will everyone think. So let’s care more about what others think right, not that I have have procedures and ops and failures and am sensitive. In one of his texts he said just because he doesn’t show emotion I take it for granted. Well wrong, he does. I get the brunt of his anger. 

Maybe I just compare him to other friends husbands who are suffering/suffered with infertility. They are nothing like him. They shut out the world and focus only on their wives. No not my husband, he dives straight in. Oohing and aaahing at friends and families babies. Wanting to attend events where these “people with babies/pregnant” will be present. Screw it that it’s a nail to my uterus. He has always been “baby/kid” friendly. Not me, I have been more reserved. I would not just carry or go gaga over any kid, because it’s just not me. I knew that only my kid would change me. So now his family and even my own and the rest of the world pity him that he doesn’t have a child yet because of me. And the truth is, when we were 27 I told him let’s make a baby and he said no, not just yet, there’s stuff to sort out. I’m f%#*ing 35 and still don’t have a child. I should have gone off brith control then and ignored him and maybe started this fertility process sooner. I wish I could tell the world to stop blaming me and stop laughing at me. I can hear everyone saying poor him, she wanted to wait. No I didn’t. Fine yes at 32 when I got my new job, I wanted to wait for at least 3 months but that’s all! I would have wanted a baby at 27, he said no. 

Soon we visit his family. I hate visiting them. Because the topic of babies always comes up. Case in point.

My husband’s father is one of those snide old men. Last year when we visited he makes a comment about his granddaughter’s children, and deliberately says “hey (me), don’t you think when “so and so” has a baby. I ignore him, he deliberately says it again for me to acknowledge. I smile and say yes. What was the point of that statement snide old man? It was out of conversation context and unnecessary yet he made it to see a reaction. Every conversation with him revolves around a grandchild before he dies. For F#%* sake we are trying! Yet he makes that dig at me. My husbands niece is 9 years younger than me. Really? I love her, she is sweet and oblivious. But the dig that even she will have a baby before me.

Then there his mother who said, don’t wait until you’re too old to have babies otherwise you will struggle. She didn’t mean it in malice, but she confessed it over my life. As much as she prayed for us, those words still hurt like a B%^#*. 

And the cherry on top is my own bloody mother. Who actively on Facebook comments on every freaking baby being a blessing and so gorgeous and “our precious this that and the other..” to all families’ babies. Yet she would not even call to check how I am doing. Well no one calls me really.  But then I have ostracized myself from the world so I dont blame them. But hoping for some sensitivity is something I would never get from family.

In fact my ivf journey is only known to my boss, husband’s boss and a good woman of god at work. The iui’s no one knows of. 

It’s a lonely journey and more lonely when you feel like all you have is your blog, not even your husband gets is.

My day today.

To those with child: I’m sorry for hating you. I’m sorry that I’m so mean and I have ill thoughts. I’m sorry for the monster that I am. I can’t help myself. I can’t help the jealousy and envy, you will find it hard to understand if I ever do tell because u did nothing wrong, you were blessed not me, and it consumes me. There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after my storm of tears, there’s just a miserable aging sod who is struggling to bring life. With all my horridness do I even deserve a baby?

To my husband: why do you not share my anger? Why are you not resentful? Why do you expect me to behave like I am not stuck in the pit of hell and just smile and wave?

To my husband: I’m sorry you met me. I have ruined your life. I’m a broken failure dragging you into the quicksand. I wish more for you, I wish blessings in abundance and there you are stuck with me.

To god: why have you forsaken me?

To me: each time you think it can’t get any worse it does.

To my baby: I would never want you to ever experience this witch of a person that I am right now.

After the 100th fight today husband texted me that he applied for a loan for funds to proceed at soonest with ivf, he can’t go on like this with me. He can’t live with me the way I am, he can’t love me or support me while I am the way I am. He is tired of trying and failing with me. I’m angry. We are not poor, but we don’t have the money for ivf just right now. I’m feeling more sore from the op today, because I’m feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t eat anything because I’m depressed. 

The irony of the verse for today. Where is rejoicing possible amidst all this pain? How to be patient let alone pray…

Everything baby and kids

Failed iui, failed ivf, failed FET, 2nd op done. I’m a failure. This past Feb was the worst because it was my dreaded babyless past fertile age birthday, my failed FET which was more intense then the ivf ito meds and injections etc. and then my op to end Feb on the high that it was. That said. Would I dare want to attend any form of Baby related event that was clearly not my own? No, F#%* No.

The fact that my husband could bring this up now about our attendence to one of these swarays makes me hate him. He does not get my pain, clearly he doesn’t. It was my body that couldn’t hold onto the embryos, my flipping reject body not his!!! WE would not be attending, but he asks if I want to go to. I hate that he could even dare ask. And more that he would go alone. I’m so damn tired of this state of mine. I literally hate my life. I have such an unsupportive husband who cannot begin to even think how I would feel. Yes he is great at pretending but I’m not. Imagine my heart?? Something I want so desperately and it being so unachiveable, how will my heart cope? Can he not see that and feel for me?

Day 1 post op

The doctor came into the ward after the op happy that the op was great, he found a perfect looking uterus. Some tissue around cervix but apart from that a great looking uterus ito size, shape, cavity. Hubby and I looked disappointed. And he looked confused at our disappointment. Why were we disappointed? Because we were sure the old fart stuffed up the last time and didn’t get all the septum, hence the failed natural, then iui, then ivf. So what gives?? My embryos were growing so they can’t be bad eggs? Flip this is annoying. And what about the second option RE that said my shape or uterus was too small plus I had anenomyosis?? What then? Are these people just screwing with us? Are we just the people u see in movies who’s life is just shit of of luck??!!!

We can’t afford another ivf now. So we wait and hope a miracle is bestowed upon us from now til mid-year. And then we can actually use the saved money to feed and clothe the baby! For now it’s wait and see. Maybe the tissue at the top of the cervix/bottom of the uterus prevented sperm from traveling all the way up. So now that’s that gone maybe we can fall pregnant naturally? I hope so..

I spoke to a friend from church today and told her of my op, they have also been trying for a while, but she was pregnant and miscarried early on, so she can fall pregnant, but I feel so guilty speaking to her because she has so much faith and there’s bitter old me, always seeing the bad and how my life is shit and she is all about waiting on gods promise, yet I am so angry and bitter. But then it’s a good thing because miserary loves company and the fact that she can say be positive and wait on your promise, helps me to know that I can, I did for so long, what’s a little more longer…

Op day

So the friendly nurse says why are you having another one? Well 1 year post op, 2 IUI’s, 1 failed IVF, 1 failed FET and still not pregnant. There’s the answer. 

She says let’s hope they find nothing there and it all looks good. Hubby and I are sitting here thinking I hope they find the cause to all the failures for all the things we have done. He and I are both so sure the other old fart doc didn’t do a good job with the first op. So we are hopeful he left something behind which answers why we haven’t fallen pregnant. 

It’s such a catch 22. You want there to be nothing wrong, but then u want answers to why the other stuff didn’t work. I don’t want to be in that unexplained infertility group because that is just cruel. It’s a cruel cruel cruel state. At least people like us can find answers because of issues like pcos or endo or uterine abnormalities or thyroid or something that you can operate on or take meds or something. 

Jesus please let me not be in the unexplained infertility group. Lord I beg of you!! And please let there be perfect chromosomal eggs when we do have he money to do ivf again lord. So what am I asking lord? For this op to fix me once and for all and my uterus be lush enough and attractive enough for my babies to stick ❀

Back to waiting, my op is still just under an hour and a half later. They seem to be running delayed. 

Fasted since forever, both hubby and I are starving πŸ˜”

when god speaks

im scared about tomorrow. its silly really, but i get scared each time. I was so troubled last night, unable to sleep, just worrying and with a terrible migraine. all the stress about my egg chromosomal issues.

And then today, my 2 great friends from my previous company who I have a whatsapp group with send me a message that we need to start a prayer group and to pray for me and the verse for today is 1 Samuel vs 1-28, which centers around Hannah’s struggle to conceive and she prays to god and he gives her a son, Samuel. How strange that i get this today, when i am so troubled, pending my op tomorrow, which they dont know about. Thats the Lord. If ever in doubt, thats him speaking, never to me, but through someone or something else to me. To say my cries are heard. Its profound. As i type this the negativity in me a.k.a. that pestering devil, says yeah you will read this back next year unpregnant, but screw you satan, i wont entertain that, i will be pregnant and have my children, that I declare in jesus name!

yesterday i was so angry with god, and today he tells me to have faith and believe. Last night, I could not remember the verse, I suck at remembering scriptures. but now i googled it as through my unsettling sleep, thats all i could thing of. Psalm 127.3Β  Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. I will wait and stand on his word and promise… Amen.